Fog of Life

Remakes, reboots... how about something original?

2011-02-01T17:27:00.003-05:00

So Sony put out a preview image for the new Spiderman picture. Sam Raimi dropped out of Spider-man 4, probably because they made him shoehorn Venom into the last one, so they're doing a "reboot" of the franchise. It sort of makes sense in that if you have to make a new Spiderman pic, casting issues be damned, you might as well start from scratch. But do you have to?

If you like comic book movies, the oughts was a great decade. Marvel fans got great films like X2, Spider-man 1 and 2, and Iron Man 1 and 2. Even Spider-man 3 and X3 were enjoyable, despite some glaring flaws. DC fans saw Batman return to stronger than ever and the OK-but-kind-of-boring Superman Returns (more on that later). It was a lot of fun.

But rebooting Spider-man less than five years after the third movie is a cheap attempt at a cash-in. Warner Bros. waited 8 years after the horrid Batman & Robin before bringing the Caped Crusader back. They could've just staged a public flogging of Joel Schumacher and moved ahead, but hindsight is 20/20. The new film focuses on "Peter Parker developing his abilities in high school", which means homework, talking to girls, Uncle Ben dying, great power, great responsibility, blah blah blah. It's a retread of all the themes we dealt with before.

Similarly the Superman series is getting the reboot treatment. Superman Returns wasn't all that great, at times it was kind of boring (not to mention using X-ray vision to spy on Lois was a little creepy). But X-Men wasn't that good either and director Bryan Singer went on to make the fantastic X2. All I'm saying is that the studio acted hastily in letting Singer go. So now the story of Clark Kent essentially starts over, which means high school, girls, learning about who you are from dead relatives, discovering powers, etc.* Sound familiar? And I'm not even talking about Smallville when I say that.

All I'm saying is enough already. It's bad enough that Michael Bay is trampling all over my childhood, now they're redoing the origins of comic's ~~most bankable~~ biggest heroes over and over again. Why not go for something fresh and original? Hancock managed to be a huge hit without relying on a known superhero. Kick-Ass turned a profit with a mostly unknown cast and characters. Not every film will turn out like the underpromoted box office flop Scott Pilgrim, take a risk.

*I realize I'm assuming a lot about the plot of the new film.

How to ruin a fairly decent character

2010-09-22T22:30:00.004-04:00

I've ~~bitched~~ complained numerous times about Japanese game developers' habit of injecting melodrama into the narrative of their video games to the point of absurdity. So really, I should've known better than to approach Metroid: Other M with anything other than the lowest expectations. And I did. However, Other M warrants special attention because 1) the series isn't terribly popular in Japan, meaning US players are the driving force behind its success and 2) it completely decimated everything fans love about the series' heroine, Samus Aran.

Lara Croft? Psh. She ain't shit. Unlike Tomb Raider, the Metroid series has a consistent record of high-quality adventures and its star is known for her tenacity instead of her bust line. When it comes to leading ladies, Samus Aran is the gold standard. Previous entries only gave hints into her persona, but over time gamers constructed a rough idea of the person beneath the suit. Fearless, agile, disciplined, passionate. Some might even consider her a feminist icon, although you'd have to ignore Nintendo's tendency to throw her into revealing outfits as a "bonus" in the endings.

So it's pretty disappointing to learn that Samus' early days revolve around a bunch of lame daddy issues with her commanding officer and hear her thoughts told through teenage level monologues. Where's the intelligent, independent woman we all imagined? The most maddening issue is Samus, normally given to doing things her own way, disables all of her abilities until the commanding officer on the mission, who she is not obligated to obey, authorizes them. Why does she so readily resume the role of subordinate? In actuality it's a hackneyed way of recreating the "discovery" of new powers in previous Metroid games, but as a consequence we see Samus submitting to the irrational demands of a man. Some have called this sexist, which I'm hesitant to agree with, but I can't imagine Master Chief, Sam Fisher, or Link being placed in similar circumstances.

Combine the disappointing character development with abysmal writing and the story elements are a complete wash. I mean, I'm not asking for Oscar-winning dialogue here, just stuff on the level of a SyFy made-for-TV movie. How is it that the 15-year-old Super Metroid has more emotional impact in five minutes than Other M has in the entire game?

Do conservatives understand the First Amendment?

2010-08-21T11:31:00.004-04:00

I'm only half-joking when I ask this. It seems like every time some right-wing douchebag has a case of verbal diarrhea he or she screeches about their first amendment rights when the inevitable blowback comes. The latest instance came from Dr. Laura Schlessinger's radio program. I'm not going to bring you up to speed, the full audio of the call can be found here.

And in the afterm-- well hold on a second, I gotta say WTF at that call. Even if she had never said "nigger" there were too many racist assumptions and flat-out stupid arguments coming from her mouth to ignore. Mentioning the percentage of black people that voted for Obama (when blacks vote 90% democratic anyway), the "don't NAACP me" line, "black-think" (as though we all have some sort of hive mind).

When it comes to the so-called "n-word", many (possibly most) black people don't use it. I certainly don't and neither do most of the people in my family. And if some of them heard you say it in their presence (regardless of your skin color), you'd face a hailstorm of other ugly words flying your way. In any case, the blanket statement simply doesn't hold, like just about any blanket statement about black people.

Her claims of "hypersensitivity" are ludicrous as well. How often has the "doctor" been asked to speak for all white Jewish people? And how would she feel if she were asked to do that? And if someone's going to come into your home or invite you into theirs the LEAST they could do is use language that shows respect for you. I don't curse or tell dirty jokes in front of my grandmother. That's not being "sensitive", it's being polite. But I digress.
In announcing her exit, Dr. Laura mentioned she'd like to get her "first amendment rights back". Which is fine, except they were never taken away. The first amendment only guarantees that the government won't bother you for expressing yourself. That didn't stop former government employee Sarah Palin from joining in on the stupidity though. If you say some whacked-out shit and the radio station fires you because corporate sponsors are pulling out because they don't want to be viewed as being supportive of your bigoted ass, that's just business.

This same faux-martyrdom was espoused by Carrie Prejean when her views on gay marriage came under fire. She insisted that this "should NOT happen in America" as it undermines our "constitutional rights". But people have a right to criticize your opinion just as much as you have a right to express it.

I don't see this out of prominent moderate/liberal people. When Harry Reid faced criticism for praising Obama's lack of "Negro dialect", he never cried "We have freedom of speech in this country!" To be fair, many, many conservatives don't behave like this, but a lot of them do and the sentiment seems to carry weight with their base.

Really, I think the issue is that these people are used to having their views either endorsed or tolerated by society. But now that they can't say whatever they want about non-white, non-Christian, non-straight people without consequences they're crying "we're being oppressed!" because apparently the idea someone might strongly disagree simply doesn't compute.

Thirtysomething

2010-08-12T09:54:00.002-04:00

So I turn 30 today. As far as age milestones go, 30 loomed pretty large for a long time. It was considered "old". Over the hill. I distinctly remember being at a college party at 20, meeting a guy who was 27 and thinking "You're kind of creepy".

Now that my 30s have arrived, it's not so bad. Pretty great actually. I have money for trips, eating out, and tickets to shows. Hell, I even pay for music now! While the carefree days of college arouses some nostalgia, I'm quite content to leave behind the exams and perpetual brokenness (particularly those two weeks of nothing but Ramen).

Given that it's one-third of my life, it's virtually impossible to sum up the last decade, but there are certainly moments and events that stick out. Earning my bachelor's and master's degrees, closing on my home, telling family and friends I was (and am) gay, the passing of my uncle, the 2008 election (the whole thing, primaries and all), and trips to large cities like San Diego, Portland, and DC.

The next decade holds promise, and I face it more financially stable, more politically aware, more comfortable with who I am, with less hair, and grateful for every day.

Keep 'em short and sweet

2010-06-08T20:22:00.004-04:00

I finished God of War 3 awhile back. The game can be best summed up as “God of War 2 in HD”, which is fine with me. To my knowledge, God of War is the only series where you can kill a minotaur by stabbing it in the eye with its own horn, an experience more than worth of the admission.

The only problem with the game is the ending. It’s not that I was expecting Shakespeare, quite the opposite actually. It became clear a few hours in that the developers were writing themselves into a corner that wouldn’t leave them with much to work with once the adventure was over. But this didn’t stop the developers from attempting to shoehorn in some substance and weight during the final moments when (1)it wasn’t really necessary and (2) it didn’t make sense. As a result the ending was overly long and drawn-out.

It used to be different. Back in the 8-bit and 16-bit era, endings were mostly afterthoughts. Thrown-together and wholly unsatisfying. Sometimes you got a few lines of text and that’s it. Other times you might see one new sprite or if you were really lucky, some sprite art.

Many complained, but unlike movies and books, you frequently played the ending to video games. After the robot/evil wizard/veggie-hating frog went down, there wasn’t much left to see. Complex interpersonal relationships and political implications were (and are) practically nonexistent.

Game developers recognize this, and just as stories and characters have become more complex, so have the endings. Now the final battle is part of the ending. Now the villain must have dark revelations and surprising plot twists to unfurl before announcing that he’s had “enough talk” and a fight ensues. Then, having discovered the hero is more than a match for him, the villain taunts our determined savior before remarking that he’s grown tired/weary of this petty squabble/quarrel/game (never mind that he’s been aware of the hero’s doings from the beginning when he could’ve squashed him like a bug). Now the fight is REALLY on, as the villain has revealed a spell/attack/mech suit that shows his true strength.

Once it’s all over, the villain gives one final unrepentant/conciliatory speech before breathing his last breath and the hero dusts himself off while consulting/celebrating/reflecting with the sidekick/partner/cheap floosie who was on his side throughout the adventure. Sometimes during the ending there’s an interactive portion that’s supposed to make the player relate to hero’s plight. This is where God of War 3 (remember that?) goes way off track. The player is forced navigate Kratos’ most painful memories in an effort to understand his heart. But it’s a futile exercise. For a “hero”, Kratos is, to put it bluntly, an asshole. He just spent the last ten hours or so beating in the faces and snapping the necks of Olympian gods because he’s still pissed that he accidentally killed his wife and kid while he was in midst of slaughtering thousands of wives and kids. After witnessing (and relishing) the carnage he inflicted, trying to feel an ounce of pity for Kratos is pointless.

Not every game has to become all introspective and deep with its ending. Certainly not one whose appeal revolves around gratuitous violence and nudity. It's better to just get the damn thing over with.

Rambling Commentary on Final Fantasy XIII

2010-04-18T17:42:00.004-04:00

Final Fantasy XIII might be the most disappointing, frustrating edition of the series since IX. The game starts off well enough. The governing body is exiling people to a far away, dangerous land, the people are rebelling, a resistance organization of sorts has sprung up, etc. An exciting, well-executed action sequence starring the game's heroine, Lightning takes place. Then the focus shifts to Snow, Vanille, and Hope and things take a sharp nosedive.

Look, I love a good underdog story, particularly one where the odds of winning (or surviving) are so low that you can't imagine a way out. So show me ordinary folks rising to fight for their lives. Show mothers clutching their children. Show young teenagers fighting despite their lack of options. Play the violin for their lost innocence. Because I will eat that shit up. But the following things will kill the whole scene:

1. The leader of a resistance group rallying his troops like they're about to play a football game.
2. A mother picking up a gun and selling her fighting ability with "Moms are tough".
3. Another woman picking up a gun and playfully saying "bang".

Yet such is the way we are introduced to Vanille, Hope (the mother's son), and Snow, the three most insufferable RPG characters I can remember. Hope harbors resentment over his mother's early (but not nearly early enough) death in the game for ridiculous reasons. The fist-pumping, overly zealous Snow fights save his lost love. Their romance is every bit as cliched as you'd expect. And words can not expect my distaste for that impossibly perky, horribly-sounding bimbo Vanille. For whatever reason Japanese RPGs have this archetype consisting of cheery, extremely effeminate girl who acts like she's ready for cheerleading practice while fighting in post-apocalyptic war zones. It's infuriating.

The cast's one saving grace is Sazh. Yes, despite the ridiculous afro, Sazh mostly avoids becoming a stereotyped caricature and instead comes out as the most likable, relatable character. He never wades into trying-to-be-deep-but-failing-miserably philosophizing of other characters and his motivations are rather simple: he's trying to save his son.

But overall FF XIII's narrative is just whack. The motivations behind characters' actions frequently don't makes sense. Several critical plot details are fleshed out via the Datalog (or what we'd call a journal) that's found in the game's menu, instead of the lengthy cinema scene I just sat through. The villain is only seen three times before the end of the game and my reaction to each appearance was "Oh, it's you." It's a real shame, too, as there are some interesting themes beneath the surface of the story (free will, being manipulated by a higher power, etc.). Unfortunately the writing and storytelling only allows for a shallow exploration of those topics and makes the little bit of substance there is difficult to digest.

The sole saving grace of the game's sometimes-painful cinema scenes are the stunning visuals to distract you from the B-movie drama. I frequently couldn't tell if a scene was rendered in real-time or CGI. And the audio meet the series' high standards as well.

This could all be forgiven if the battle system was good. And it was. Great, in fact. The only problem is the full breadth of its brilliance isn't accessible until about 25 hours into the game. Up until that point the battle system is effectively neutered with little room for strategy or variation.

It's strange how the game's plot mirrors the player's experience when it reaches this point. The party steps onto a wide open field, teeming with life and adventure. Similarly, the player, freed from the shackles of the incredibly linear path up to that point, also experiences a feeling of liberation. And when things get better, they get a lot better. The fast-paced battles keep you on your toes. Despite the fact I only control one character, I still had to do quite a bit of micro-management and strategizing, particularly for tougher fights.

I managed to wriggle 40 more hours of fun once the game hit its stride, and enjoyed almost every minute of it. Was it worth the lengthy, boring first half? I'm not sure. The ending didn't make a whole lot of sense, and without spoiling much, it's filled with a few Japanese anime/RPG cliches I'd like to see go away.

On Growing Old Alone

2010-03-18T23:30:00.004-04:00

The so-called "black marriage crisis" is the story that won't die in the media. A high percentage of black men and women have never been married, up to twice the percentage of the number among whites. To hear some people talk, you'd think whole world is collapsing in on itself.

Frankly, I'm far more disturbed by the rates of STDs and unexpected pregnancies out there. The CDC just released a study that found 48% of black women have herpes. 72% of black children are born to an unwed mother. A few years ago a survey of three cities found that 46% of gay black men have HIV and 2/3 of those that tested positive didn't know they had it. The religious leaders preach endlessly about abstinence but anyone who's paying attention can clearly see that's not working. The tide can only be turned by teaching comprehensive sex education and building up black youth's self esteem.

But I digress. Fact of the matter is that whether you're black or white, you're less likely to get married than your parents were or are. Times have changed. Being unmarried at 30 or 40 isn't as stigmatized as much as it used to be. People wait longer to marry and discover it's difficult to transition into cohabitation. Still others just plan to never marry even though they may have a significant other. Some people (read: men) want to boff everything out there as long as they can find someone new willing to boff them.

The frank reality is that a large percentage of people will end up alone. But is that really so bad? On an individual level it certainly isn't. Being single gives you the flexibility to do whatever you want. Feel like moving across the country? No problem. Want to take a spontaneous road trip? Go for it. Don't clean your bathroom for six months? Gross, but it's your life. You can spend you time doing other activities like charity work, sports leagues, and reading books.

And let's not pretend marriage and relationships are a sea of roses and unicorns. Even the very best marriage takes a lot of work with both people making sacrifices to keep each other happy. And marriages frequently end in divorce, a traumatic, life-altering experience for both spouses, let alone any children. The notion that previous generations were somehow less selfish and more giving, leading to their low divorce rates, is erroneous. Before the 1950s and 60s marriage was the primary way for women to make it in the world. Wives relied on husbands to provide food and shelter while they raised the children. If he was a cheating bastard or abusive, the wife usually stuck it out rather than endure the poverty and alienation that comes with divorce.

So really, people, relax. Learn to love yourself and show the same love and respect to others. Cliche, but true. Being single isn't some sort indication of failure on your part.

Tiger Woods cheated, can we get back to real news now?

2010-02-21T15:52:00.002-05:00

Don't get me wrong, cheating on your spouse is inexcusable no matter who you are, which is why Tiger apologized to his wife and family, the ONLY people owed an apology. But I'm sick of the media and the public buying into the idea that this is in any way shocking. Look at it this way: surveys have determined that a large percentage of men cheat at one point or another, why do we expect athletes and politicians to be any different? Tiger flies all around the globe, makes tons of money, and has one of the most recognizable faces in the world. The odds of him giving into temptation are through the roof.

"But he's a role model!" He shouldn't be. The ridiculous athlete/celebrity worship in this country flies in the face of logic and common sense. When you get right down to it, celebrities and athletes are everyday people, albeit extraordinarily talented and/or good-looking ones (except for Adam Sandler, for whom there is no reasonable explanation). Sycophants and vultures of every stripe are drawn to them and they're under heavy pressure to perform their best. Inevitably they will fail to meet the high standard that's been set for them.

I suppose Tiger's partially to blame for the hysteria. Besides cheating on his wife A LOT (which, remember, was wrong), Tiger created a squeaky clean public persona. But, hey, that's how the game is played. Apparently, "globe-trotting womanizer" doesn't sell sneakers and jock straps.

"What am I supposed to tell my kids?" Tell them to admire an athlete's drive. Admire his sportsmanship. But remind them that they're only human. Acknowledge that in all likelihood they won't be as successful as a pro ball player. Tell them to be skeptical of his media image. Tell them to wrap it up (please, for the love of God, tell them to wrap it up).

There's also the option of, you know, being the role model they look to. Odds are your child will lead a life much closer to yours than Tiger's anyway, you should be setting the tone.

Legion - Terrible movie

2010-01-25T18:31:00.005-05:00

Occasionally I see a movie so bad it becomes the new benchmark by which I measure shitty movies. Ultraviolet's ugly special effects, bad dialogue, and impossible-to-follow action elevated it to the top of the junk heap. After paying full price at the theater, I discovered a new contender for the crown: Legion.

The basic story (SPOILER ALERT!) driving the movie is that God is tired our "bullshit" and has decided to eradicate humanity. In order to do so, he must also stop one child from being born, who would redeem mankind. Fortunately the angel Michael disagrees with God's plan and descends from heaven to combat the pseudo-zombies The Almighty sends to kill the unborn savior's mother. Yeah it didn't make much sense to me either.

From the second scene, in which a crazy old lady orders raw steak in a diner and they serve it to her without putting up much of an argument, it becomes clear things were going to get pretty ridiculous. Which would be fine, if the characters were more interesting. Instead we get a bunch of generic, bland archetypes making the predictable horror movie mistakes.

Michael - Paul Bettany, who appears ripped and shirtless on the poster yet remains fully clothed the entire film*, portrays Michael, an angel trying to tame mankind like some poor teenage girl chasing a bad boy. Michael shows up at the diner (where the whole movie takes place) wielding holy weapons like machine guns and... regular guns. Rather than take 30 seconds to bring everybody up to speed, Michael barks orders and hands out guns until he's flat asked What The Hell Is Going On by the...

Diner Owner - Dennis Quaid (clearly needing a paycheck) plays a gruff, cantankerous middle-aged man out to save his own skin. He's bitter about the past because his dreams never came true or a women constantly betray him or some shit. He also doesn't trust...

Charlie - Charlie, played by Who-the-hell-cares, is an 8-months pregnant waitress chain-smoking her way to a special needs child. God chose her to bare the savior of mankind. Well I guess He did, she seemed to be knocked up by the good old-fashioned way**, and God is attempting to kill her, so it's hard to say if she was "chosen" or just kind of fell into the gig. But it's ironic that she's saving mankind, I mean, she curses and smokes and isn't ladylike at all. That's soooo original and unexpected. Here's a fun bit: Charlie mentions that she considered abortion but couldn't go through with it, but that doesn't stop her from smoking right up until six hours before her child is born! She's anti-abortion and pro-birth-defect!

Jeep - Jeep (yeah really) is hopelessly in love with Charlie even though she wouldn't care if he plunged his face into the deep fryer and turned the heat up. The owner warns Jeep to quit bothering with Charlie but Jeep fends him off with brilliant insights like "she ain't like that". Incidentally, Jeep's pathetic pining somehow inspired Michael to switch sides. Regrettably, his shirt also stays on the whole movie.

The rest of the cast is an equally forgettable pack of horror movie staples. Tyrese plays a wannabe thug, Kate Walsh plays the Jackass Who Had It Coming, and blah blah blah. It all ends with an angel-versus-angel battle and most of the cast cut in half or blown to pieces.

The thing that really annoys me is all the crap that went unanswered. Granted, I don't expect a lengthy theological discussion in horror movie but they could've taken 5 minutes to answer some basic questions like: Why doesn't God simply smite the child's mother? Why did people become sort of super-zombies? How does this pseudo-Messiah fit with Jesus? Where are the four horsemen? If God is trying to prevent the birth of a child, doesn't that make it the Anti-Christ? Did NBC firing Conan O'Brien push God over the edge?

Don't bother with this one.

*Criminally false advertising
**Meth and alcohol-fueled sex session

Games I played 2000-2009

2009-12-29T21:17:00.004-05:00

The end of the oughts (or the naughts or whatever the hell you want to call them) inclines me toward making some sort of authoritative declaration of the best video games of the decade. However, I don't have nearly the time nor the money to play all the good stuff out there. Off the top of my head, here are some critically-acclaimed games over the last few years that I've never touched and likely never will: Mass Effect, both Assassin's Creed games, both Uncharted games, inFamous, Dragon Age, Lost Planet, Persona 4, any Call of Duty, any Halo since the first one, and Killzone 2.

So instead I'm offering up a random list of thoughts and awards for the stuff I did play. Here goes.

Favorite game based on a movie/cartoon/comic book: Batman: Arkham Asylum. Fun, engaging, packed with secrets, and excellent use of the license.

Favorite new character: Dante (Devil May Cry series) - Dante serves up ludicrous, over-the-top action and cheesy dialogue and does it with style (not feeling the belt-over-nipples thing though). What more could you want?

Dumbest shit ever: GBA-GCN connectivity - Most people probably forgot that in 2002/2003, when gamers were asking to play their favorite titles online, Nintendo pushed their ridiculous Game Boy Advance to Gamecube connectivity feature. But the payoff wasn't worth it. Getting
4 people in one room with all the necessary equipment was a nightmare outside of a college dorm. And no game ever really sold the concept (not even Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles or Zelda: Four Swords).

Continuing irrational fear: MMORPGs - World of Warcraft reinforced my decision to avoid MMORPGs at all costs. I'm amazed at the number of people who discussed their addiction to the game. Not just pasty nerds mind you, these were regular folks who presumably could get laid.
That's a pit I'd rather not fall into.

Obligatory mention of Tingle - Tingle, introduced in Zelda: Majora's Mask, is a 35 year old man who flings around confetti and dreams of being a fairy. I don't think much else needs to be said about this.

Genre I'm officially over: Music Rhythm games - I own an embarrassing number of rhythm games. It started with DDR Max 2 and ends with my impulse purchase of Guitar Hero: Metallica. In-between those two are about six other DDR games, countless dance pads, Donkey Kong: Jungle Beat, Guitar Hero 1-3, Guitar Hero: World Tour, Rock Band 1 and 2, Space Channel 5 and Elite Beat Agents. Sadly I will not be developing my turntable skillz anytime soon.

Game I've bought for the last time: Final Fantasy IV - I've owned FFIV and no less than three forms: first as a SNES game, then on the GBA, and now a new DS remake. It wasn't until about 5 hours into the DS game that I realized (1) I was bored out of my mind and (2) how
incredibly stupid my purchase was.

Biggest fiasco: the Red Ring of Death - The 360 is a great system... when it works. Never before has a game system breaking been accepted as a fact of life among its fanbase. Even the PS2's issues seemed to disappear by the end of its second year.
Honorable mention: PSP Go

Favorite downloadable game: Pac-Man Championship Edition - I tried to think of something better (read: more innovative and original), but this is the one I keep coming back to. Over and Over.
Honorable mentions: Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo HD Remix and Braid

Biggest surprise: The overwhelming success of the Wii - I've never been a fan of "waggle", so the Wii's runaway success was a bit perplexing to me. Wii Sports bored me after ten minutes and hasn't been played in well over a year and a half, yet some people will play it for hours on end. After years of being a fan of the Big N, it's a little shocking to see the company return to dominance by shifting focus away from their core fanbase.

Best atmosphere: Bioshock - Beautiful rushing water, great ambient lighting, recordings from believable, interesting characters, and a bevy of wacky powers and weapons. Brilliant.

Best revival of a franchise: Metroid Prime series - Proof once again that Nintendo knows how to translate their games into 3D better than anyone.

Most absurdly proportioned women: Soul Calibur IV - Look, Namco, I know gamers are mostly horny, lonely males, but don't patronize us.

Favorite game of the decade: Super Mario Galaxy - No question.

Sorry, but this shit is so overrated: Grand Theft Auto - The driving isn't that great, the controls are clunky and unintuitive and the characters just don't interest me. GTA is by far the most overrated series of the last decade. Who cares how much there is to do if none of it is all that fun?

Miscellaneous stuff:
Most likely to lead to the onset of ADD: Wario Ware games
Favorite game featuring a guy in a pink cape: Viewtiful Joe
Character most likely to be seen at a furry convention: Krystal of Star Fox Adventures

Overall, it was an exciting decade for a relatively young industry. The market practically exploded with new customers of all ages.

Sega should take notes

2009-11-23T18:04:00.004-05:00

New Super Mario Bros. Wii came out Sunday and I have been consuming its rich tapestry of treasures voraciously. Gameplay is everything in this throwback to the 16-bit days, as evidenced by simple visuals and extremely basic story. Hell, even the title sounds like a lazy afterthought. "It's a new Super Mario Bros. on the Wii. Hey that'll work"

When you compare this to the state of Mario's former rival, Sonic the Hedgehog, the difference is staggering. The Blue Blur's console games have varied between OK to abysmal in recent years. After repeatedly adding annoying critters to the series' lineup, Sega listened to fans and ditched the virtual petting zoo only to replace them with cheap gimmicks. Worse, the developers packaged it all up with painfully cheesy storylines and theme songs.

In contrast, the NSMBW expands upon the gameplay of older Mario games with a just few new moves and powerups. The level designs force players to make the most out of the plumbers' abilities, pushing timing and patience to their limits. Nintendo doesn't even bother with shoehorning new characters into the game, slapping in two generic Toads for multiplayer purposes. And the nostalgia factor. The entire game is practically a love letter to old-school fans, with Koopa Kids, airships, flagpoles, munchers, Hammer Bros., and Bowser himself.

What's the lesson for Sega here? Gameplay is king. Ditch the parade of sugary-sweet newcomers and concentrate on expanding Sonic's moveset in intuitive, fun ways. Then mine the classic, Genesis Sonics for good ideas and improve upon them using the gift of modern technology. Forget about storylines, they're entirely predictable and pointless anyway.

Then maybe we can be friends again.

National Equality March Wrap-up

2009-10-12T18:19:00.006-04:00

I love DC. During the day you can visit countless museums and landmarks. At night you can enjoy some great bars and clubs. This is all topped off with a great public transportation system and scores of gorgeous guys. So when activists organized the National Equality March, I called up my pal Eric, who let me stay at his pad and turn the weekend into a mini-vacation.

After arriving Friday night, I did a little shopping in Georgetown Saturday morning. From there, it was a quick walk back to Eric's to change and then off to a discussion about religion and sexuality. I arrived pretty late thanks to getting disoriented about my location after getting off the Metro. Overall, it was a productive session with a lot of perspectives and resources shared.

Later that night I met Sean, who's visiting from San Diego, and we went to Jack's for dinner. Sitting next to JR's (my fave DC bar), Jack's has some of the best food I've had anywhere. Definitely recommend the Chicken Crepe or Risotto.

Meanwhile the President spoke in front of HRC and told us "I still plan on doing all that stuff I said I would at some point or another".

Afterwards, I met up with another friend at the 9:30 Club. Apparently it was Blowoff night, which is some sort of bear dance party, meaning I saw a lot of back hair and man boobs*. I paid $7 (!) for a Yeungling and chatted up a bi guy until Lady Gaga made a surprise appearance on the balcony. She waved at the crowd and I waved back, at which point I felt profoundly stupid.

The next day I woke up early and sat in my car for an hour to recharge my iPhone using the car charger. My cell usually exists mostly as a prop, but the Google maps feature turned out to be a lifesaver (and battery eater) on DC's confusing streets. From there I caught the Metro to the march.

The March

The bright sunny day made for a pleasant march. Eric wasn't with me, so I mostly kept to myself and played observer. The crowd was mostly people in their late teens or early 20s. And despite what others say, I noticed a good deal of racial diversity. About halfway through I ran into a friend from Durham. We discussed Obama's lack of action on gay issues and our hopes moving forward with the movement. It's eerie how often I run into someone I know in DC, big events or not.

I noticed a disappointing lack of opposition during the march. Some guy drove by in a truck praising DOMA and I saw one guy holding a sign that said "GAY SEX= DEATH", but the Westboro nuts were MIA. I did see passersby wave and cheer us on as we walked by.

Finally we arrived at the Capitol Building and the rally began. The Gay Men's Chorus lead off the rally with the national anthem and "Over the Rainbow", which nearly rolled my eyes out of their sockets.

There were a ton of speakers so I'm going to give a quick summary of my impressions:

*The first speakers were four young activists from around the country and they were as passionate as anyone I've ever heard speak. If you have the time, watch them, they were all great.

*Cynthia Nixon spoke almost exclusively about repealing DOMA and went as far as saying it should be the movement's number one priority. Um, no. It might be crucial for affluent celebrities, but most of us need protection from job discrimination and catching ass-beatings first. I'm not saying it's unimportant, but it doesn't deserve emphasis over other legislature.

*The biggest roar of applause came when Lady Gaga took to the stage. She waved to the crowd and I waved back again. She wasn't terribly eloquent, but I loved her for this: "Obama, I know that you're listening. ARE YOU LISTENING?!"**

*Stacey Ann Chin belted out a moving performance of her story and perspective. "Spoken word artist" is normally the sort of thing that makes me gag, but homegirl won me over.

*Self esteem remains an important issue for LGBT people, but Angela Green was the only speaker I saw touch on it. She also hurled some barbs at black pastors who regularly attack LGBT people in the pulpits. I didn't care for the line about "whores on the usher board" ***but the rest of it was on point. Scroll to about 4:00 to see Angela Green speak.

*Julian Bond was the keynote speaker for the march. He was excellent, but his speech was mostly a retread of when he spoke to the HRC earlier this year.

The march turned out to be a huge success, with reports of a turnout as high as 250,000 people. The one complaint I have is that the message was mostly the same old thing: call, email, and write your congresspeople so that your voices are heard. I believe it can be strong beacon to motivate others and strengthen the movement. I'm pleased that despite the huge cheers for Lady Gaga and Cynthia Nixon, the rally was mostly grassroots activists representing many different racial and cultural backgrounds.

After the March

Once Julian Bond finished speaking I listened to my aching legs and back and made my way back to Eric's apartment. There I watched a documentary called Outrage, which covers closeted politicians. Highly recommended.

Later we went out for sushi, then came back and watched Desperate Housewives, because after seeing Lady Gaga twice in 24 hours, dancing with hairy sweaty men, marching under hundreds of rainbow flags, and watching a documentary about guys who cruise truck stops, my day clearly wasn't gay enough.

*Not hating on you bear fellas, you guys are a ton of fun, no pun intended. ;) **Does anyone else hear Chris Rock saying "I told you that bitch crazy" every time Lady Gaga does something freaky? ***For all relatives reading this, I'd like to state that none of the wonderful ladies on the usher board are whores at the church I grew up in. Also the pastor, who to my knowledge isn't affirming of same-sex relationships, has never specifically targeted LGBT Americans.

Just a little crush-ed

2009-09-22T22:26:00.006-04:00

I think we've all been here before: you meet someone fun and exciting, they seem just as into you as you are into them, and all the pieces seem to fit. And you've liked people before, but this one seemed somehow different, special.

But there are rules, right? You can't tell someone you're crazy about them after a few short dates. You could scare them off. Or they might like 'the chase'*. Or you might look desperate. So you play it cool, as best you can, all the while hoping this is it. Your chance at love.

But it doesn't happen. And in the aftermath you're left to wonder what, if anything, you did wrong and why you're left with the short end of the stick.

The whole thing makes me think of an episode of Seinfeld (this happens often), my favorite one actually. In the "Fix Up", a frustrated and lonely George is set up for a blind date with Elaine's friend Cynthia. The first scene, in which George and Cynthia share their problems with Jerry and Elaine separately, reads like excerpts from my thoughts.

Cynthia: I mean the problem is that the good ones know they're good. And they know they're in such demand they're just not interested in confining themselves to one person.

When you can take your pick of the litter, you're not going to stick with Dwayne Wayne when there could be a Julian right around the corner. I wonder if I've ever been like that for someone. [Yes, I'm assuming I'm a good one, shut up] I've met nice guys before who just didn't do it for me for one reason or another (boring, no job, crappy job, not as attractive sober, etc) and moved on. Did they waste energy wondering what went wrong with me?

George: Why must it be so difficult? Why is there all this tension and hostility? Why can't I just walk up to a woman on the street and say, "Hi. I'm George. How are you?" Is that so terrible?

So now I'm back at square one. I was at square one in the first place, but I was starting to lift my foot for square two. My choices are either online forums, where the good ones enjoy the same privileges as before, or bars, where cliques create a barrier around good prospects.

Cynthia: Maybe I need somebody who has nothing, somebody who just has to
appreciate being with me because he's so desperate.

Well let's not go nuts.

*What happens when these people catch someone?

Site Design Basics

2009-09-08T22:32:00.003-04:00

This is the web page to make payments for services in my city. Even though I've lived in my home for two months, I just received my first water bill and it only covered the last 15 days. I hate writing checks and mailing bills, so I'm glad they had an option to pay online.

But before making payment I had to enter my account information. So the page instructed me to take the account number on my statement and split it in half before entering it. It seems the first six numbers are actually my customer ID and the last six are my account number.

Wait, what?

First of all, it's confusing to have the "Account Number" represent both the actual account number and the Customer ID. Then they ask for the account number first when it's the last six digits. This is unnecessary and counterintuitive. Both of these problems could've been avoided by asking for the whole "Account Number" in one twelve-digit number (as it's listed on the bill) and then splitting it behind the scenes.

And on top of all this, it didn't find my record when I entered my information.

Sigh.

Lessons in Damage Control

2009-09-06T13:15:00.005-04:00

I think most people would agree that having your personal family issues dragged out into a public forum is a difficult thing to go through. And I have to imagine navigating the sea of bullshit that comes with it can be daunting and tiring. Even so, I'm appalled at some brain-dead statements these public figures have made that do absolutely nothing to quiet the controversy or resolve conflicts.

[Note: Even though the two examples I'm about to discuss involve Republican politicians' families, this is only a coincidence. If the many philandering Dem politicans were equally stupid in the aftermath of their illicit affairs I'd be on their case too.]

Levi Johnston

Not the brightest bulb in the pack, Levi Johnston makes an easy mark for dishing the dirt on Sarah Palin's home life. And he's taken the bait quite readily. He's said that there wasn't "much parenting" in Palin's home, stated that Palin wanted to keep the pregnancy a secret (bringing back the preposterous conspiracy theories about the birth of her autistic child), and basically trashed her credibility to hell and back. Kudos for keeping it real, but isn't he aware he has a child to think about and he'll have to deal with the Palins for next 18+ years? How are you going to raise and visit your infant son when you're dishing dirt about his baby mama's mama on national TV? Dude doesn't even have a book deal.

Mark Sanford

Mark Sanford's politics disgust me. Favoring traditional marriage and abstinence-only education makes him a relic. His attempt to refuse stimulus funds was an appalling case of political posturing. And while I laugh at the hypocrisy of the views he espoused, I'm shocked at his inept handling of the fallout.

I've never cheated in a long-term relationship (partially because that would require being in one first), but if I learned one thing from TV, it's that you ALWAYS minimize the meaning behind an affair. "It was a one-time thing." "I was weak and didn't mean for it to happen." "Once I got in, I didn't know how to get out." What you absolutely do not do is get on national TV and call your mistress your "soulmate" and while trying to reconcile with your wife.

Sanford's wife Jenny, on the other hand, has broken standard protocol and managed to come out all the better for it. Usually wives silently stand beside their husband while he apologizes to the public for his shenanigans, but Mrs. Sanford has held the governor's feet to the fire. Now I'm sure other wives have made their husbands work to get back in their good graces (Hillary reportedly made Bill sleep on the couch for two months), but to my recollection Jenny Sanford is the first to do so publically. Good for her.

As for the rest of these guys, think before you get on TV and make a spectacle of yourself. Geez.

30 minus 1

2009-08-12T22:58:00.001-04:00

Today is my 29th birthday. The old axiom says "Age is just a number", but it seems too soon to be this close to 30. Maybe the problem is me. I already think as though I'm already 30 and I think of 30 as being over the hill. Must be a gay thing. Or the fact my friends constantly make jokes about my age. Jerks.

There have been some changes in the last year, the most obvious being that I bought a house. Owning a home seems to convey a certain level of accomplishment and responsibility that earning a college degree or holding a job don't. Such accolades are ill-fitting for a guy who really just wanted a nice place to keep his stuff. People also tend to assume you're in the business of "settling down". Someone from my hometown even I asked if it was a precursor to finding a wife (hah!).

I'm also forced to deal with these creatures known as 'neighbors'. Previously I rented a room in a house, allowing the owner/roommate to negotiate dealings with their kind. It's a tribute to my antisocial nature that I lived on the same street 4 1/2 years and only knew the names of two other people on the street. The ideal relationship would be one of casual indifference where one would call the cops if they saw my house being robbed, but generally leave me to my own devices otherwise.

So here's to year 30.

A Few Political Topics

2009-08-06T16:25:00.005-04:00

On Healthcare:

I'm far from a healthcare expert, but everyone agrees the system is broken, which makes the lack of motion on the issue that much more frustrating. Too many Blue Dog Democrats are too weak-kneed to step out and take a stand. A few people have argued that the government is way too inefficient for a complicated industry like healthcare, which is a legitimate point, but a corporation is too driven by the bottom line (meaning they'll deny someone coverage anyway they can, ethics be damned) to be trusted with such a crucial issue. All other things considered equal, I'd rather deal with a slow-moving, inefficent beast than a slow, heartless one.

Meanwhile the GOP and its base has been injecting their special brand of stupidity into the entire debate, screeching about socialism now that they've worn out calling Obama a Kenyan, Muslim, Marxist, fascist radical. I mean, I'm willing to look at their alternative solution. Well I would be if they, ya know, had one.

Frankly I don't care if we have socialized medicine or not, I'm primarily concerned with affordable healthcare being available to people at all income levels. Whatever legislation, if any, gets passed, it won't be nearly enough and ten years from now Congress will still be fighting over this while Big Pharma cackles with glee.

Henry Gates' arrest:

I don't care what anyone says, Gates should not have been arrested. No matter what the source is (the police report, Gates' personal account, the 911 caller) Gates committed no action that would justify arresting him. The officers' defense, which as far as I can tell amounts to either "I warned him he was being disorderly" or "I have a family to think about", is downright ridiculous. Yelling at someone, even a police officer, in your own home is perfectly legal and an almost 60 year old man who walks with a cane poses a threat to no one. Unless he's Yoda.

Having said all that, Gates was being kind of a prick. "Do you know who I am?" Who says that? (As it turns out a lot of people) And were I a cop responding to a call about a robbery and the owner ended up chewing me out and accusing me of racism, I'd be pissed, too. After all I'm only doing my job, chill out. But would I arrest? No.

And then the Prez weighed in on the matter. People all over the country blew a gasket just because Obama said Crowley "behaved stupidly", which was putting it mildly. I personally would've called him a power-tripping asshole, but some might not see that as presidential. Then he dared to acknowledge that racial profiling remains a real issue, which isn't a bold statement by any stretch of the imagination when policemen have shot black men in the back as they lay unarmed on the floor face down, in the chest while they lay unarmed in their parents' driveway, and while they sat unarmed on their own porches. And that's since January.

The most unsettling part of this overblown incident is the sentiment I've seen expressed by many (mostly black) bloggers and pundits that Gates "broke protocol". For those that don't know, conventional wisdom for black males basically says bend over backwards to be nice to a policeman no matter how unreasonable and belligerent s/he may be because, well, you might get shot or at least end up in jail on trumped up charges. The inherent paranoia in this idea is almost as troubling as the number of incidents, documented and anecdotal, that reinforce it.

I believe most policemen are reasonable people to who genuinely work to protect citizens, but what does it say about the level of accountability in the profession when a large segment of society sees you as more of a threat than an ally? Where you can shoot an unarmed man in front of his home and only be forced to resign? Where you can choked an EMT driver and get off with a suspension? Until incidents like these are things of the past, this will continue to happen.

Late to the Party: Beyond Good and Evil

2009-07-27T21:34:00.002-04:00

The excitement over Beyond Good and Evil 2 gave me the motivation to finally track down and play the original game. The cult following it garnered over the years always intrigued me, being drawn to things of the sort. Unfortunately it also ratcheted up the resale value of the game. What was once $10 a month after release now goes for over $60 on eBay. I found a cheap copy (no manual or case) and jumped right into the adventure. So after finishing the game, does it hold up to the hype it received? Eh.

More than anything else, BG&E defies categorization. The combat, puzzle-solving, and dungeon-like levels are reminiscent of the Zelda series, yet a large amount of time is spent stealthily sneaking past guards and photographing evidence. There's also a healthy amount of minigames, races, vehicular travel, and exploration. On top of that, a CPU-controlled partner accompanies you on missions. The game accomplishes all of these things fairly well, but nothing really stands out.

The combat mostly consists of mashing A until the bad guys go boom. They do mix it up with partner cooperation, but the heart of the combat is pretty simplistic overall. Boss battles are rare and passably entertaining. Thankfully the developers made combat a very small portion of the game.

Stealth manages to be pretty engaging if you're willing to look past the glaring holes in the premise. Jade (our heroine) must sneak past guards in each facility, but most every room has a giant gap in the guards' patrol route that even the most rudimentary defense expert could spot. On top of that, should she be spotted, Jade only needs to retreat to a very obvious hiding spot and the guards and sentry drones will return to their posts in about 15 seconds as though nothing's wrong. Consequently sneaking through each room feels less like stealth and more like light puzzle-solving. It's interesting enough, but the discrepancies detract from the experience.

The story and characters are the key points that pushed BG&E from sleeper hit to cult classic, but I just wasn't feeling it. Pey'j, Double H, and the others are certainly colorful, but they're not very compelling. Maybe I'm just incapable of caring about a pig that makes bacon jokes every time he nearly bites it. Or Double H's bizarre recitation from some policeman's manual. I mean the guy's supposed to be this espionage expert, but talks like he's a meathead who reads military manuals. If you're a fan of government conspiracies, the plot will certainly hold your attention, but the twists won't every knock you on your back. Even the final battle's surprise revelation was underwhelming. It's also not explained very much, when there [i]definitely[/i] should've been some explanations forthcoming.

The visuals and audio hold up pretty well. It has a day/night cycle system, which seems to exist for the sake of having a day/night cycle system. The water reflections impress, particularly during sunrises. The entire game is letterboxed which you get used to but is kind of annoying at the beginning of the game. The voice acting is decent. The cinematic score hits all the right notes when the drama kicks up, it's just hard in cynical mind to feel for a girl's bond with the anthromorphic pig who raised her. Call it prejudice.

So overall I liked the game, but feel no desire to play it again.

Everything Old is New Again

2009-07-13T21:33:00.004-04:00

The video game industry is taking a cue from movie studios and remaking its most memorable classics. It used to be that merely rereleasing old games was enough. Indeed, they did exactly that during the last three generations of consoles. However, the well there has essentially gone dry. With some exceptions, every memorable title that came out before 1995 is available for download on either the Wii, Xbox 360, PS3, or all three. So now they've taken on a new tactic -- revamping old arcade classics for the age of high definition TVs and broadband Internet.

Although remakes have been going on since 1993's Super Mario All-Stars, I'd say the current trend really took off with the announcement of Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo HD Remix and Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix. Fortunately the ridiculously-long-name trend didn't catch on. Both games updated the graphics for HD displays and incorporated online play, with little lag time to boot. SSF2T HD even went the extra mile with remixed music and more balanced fighters. Capcom had us all drooling at the mouth with Mega Man 9, which used the NES graphics for a whole new adventure.

Even before those, Namco surprised everyone with Pac-Man Championship Edition. The addictive update felt refreshing thanks to a morphing play screen and a demanding time limit. I've wasted many a night trying to best my high score. The company failed to recapture the same feeling in Space Invaders Extreme, which just felt bland and looked kind of ugly. There's also last year's Galaga Legions, which plays completely different from the original. It feels more like Gradius than the bug-fighting arcade classic.

Speaking of Gradius, Konami has jumped on the bandwagon, but not like you might hope. Instead of new graphics and gameplay, Konami's given us Gradius: Rebirth and Contra: Rebirth, essentially remixed levels taken from the SNES games. No HD graphics, gameplay tweaks, just a lot of recycled sprites. Weak. But Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles makeover at the end of the month is shaping up nicely.

Nintendo's gotten in on the action too, with Dr Mario Rx, an online-capable version of the old puzzle game. One could argue that New Super Mario Bros. and the Wii edition of Punch-Out are remakes, although I'd say there's enough new content and gameplay tweaks to be distinguishable from their older versions.

What's my take on all this? Well I don't mind a good remake as long as it brings something new and refreshing to the table, or at least some good visuals and online functionality. It's impressive that a few gameplay tweaks managed to make Pac-Man: CE feel both new and nostalgic at the same time. Online play alone justified the rerelease of Puzzle Fighter and SSF2T, the HD visuals was icing on the cake.

What I do not like is using old assets (game engines, art, and the like) and repackaging it. It smacks of laziness and easy money. As much as I enjoyed Mega Man 9, it'd be exciting to see the series revived in 2D with HD visuals and hand-drawn sprites. Of course, if the extra cash means more original and riskier games, it's worth the tradeoff.

Is being gay a "white thing"?

2009-06-30T20:36:00.005-04:00

About a month ago, the Secret Service carried a woman away from Air Force One. This religious nutcase wanted to hand the President a letter objecting to gay marriage. Kind of humorous, but pretty run-of-the-mill looniness. But a quote from her blog caught my eye:

"For the most part [gays] are white males who have sexed themselves out on perverted sex and they are never satisfied."

Now for the most part this misguided quote isn't noteworthy. The tired "gays are perverted hedonists" thing has been done to death . The fact lesbians don't appear on her radar also shows how distorted her view is.

But white males? ~Groan~ This reflects a sentiment I've heard occasionally: being gay is a "white" thing. (Other "white" things: reading, not liking sports, not liking soul food, being generally interested in other cultures, talking "proper", getting good grades, playing video games without "Madden" in the title, camping, skydiving, surfing, all music outside hip hop, rap, R&B, and gospel, and skiing)

(I could also go into how black people's experiences, like everyone's, are too diverse to fit within someone's narrow scope of who we should or shouldn't be, and how it's damaging to mock youngsters for pursuing interests they're passionate about, and maybe, just maybe, embracing an African American male who doesn't fit the hypermasculine image perpetuated in the media would a positive step forward, but I digress.)

Not only is the idea stupid it's lazy. When people say it's a "white" thing, what they really mean is a "white, urban, liberal" thing because they're basing this off images seen on television and in movies. Anyone who puts even a smidgen of thought into it would realize there are many predominantly white communities hostile to gays. This is true not only in America but many parts of Europe.

The movement has gained traction in non-white countries all over the world. Activists in Singapore recently held their first gay rights demonstration. South Africa, that mecca of whiteness, beat the US and most of the rest of the world to legalizing gay marriage.

In the US, DC's black gay community is large enough to hold a separate pride event. And gays are growing up in churches and homes throughout the black community, the community just likes to pretend we don't exist. But we do, and we're becoming more visible by the day.

Even in the most homophobic places in the world the hatred gays endure also serves as a reminder we exist. In Jamaica and parts of Africa gay citizens face physical violence Americans like to think we've moved past, even thoough beatings and killings remain a problem in even supposedly-tolerant places like New York City. In Iraq, killing squads hunt down gay Iraqis (the courageous few who live openly), and yet there are still activists working towards liberation there.

So can we put the "white" bullshit to rest already? LGBT people exist in all walks of life, at every category of class, race, ethnicity, and religion. Those who deny this just have their heads in the sand.

Who's under that veil?

2009-05-18T21:06:00.004-04:00

I watched the Desperate Housewives season finale. I watched the creepy-ass Dave as he was thwarted by his own insanity. Watched Katherine stand at the airport like the lonely girl at the school ball. Watched Gabby seethe over the new resident in her home. (Would it be too gay to admit I thought her bedroom looked awesome?) Laughed at Karl's jokes and smugness in the face of Bree's objections. And then the obligatory cliffhanger: Who's Mike Delfino's bride?

More importantly, why should I care?

If it's Susan, we get more Susan-Mike screen time, which will be entertai--- ZZZZZzzzzz. These two couldn't be anymore boring. I mean, I can barely stand Susan when she's breaking into people's homes, meddling in their affairs, and generally being a dumbass. The "root-for" couple can't get back together when there's four more seasons to go. Except for maybe Chandler and Monica, who were second fiddle to but much more interesting than Ross and Rachel, no series has resolved sexual tension midway into its run and kept it interesting. And where does this leave Jackson?

If Katherine is the bride, they merely delay the inevitable for a few more years. Susan and Mike get to share pleasantries when Mike picks up M.J. but never admit their true feelings until another crazed psycho comes knocking (seriously, how many people can have a vendetta against one family?) Meanwhile Katherine... tries to become interesting and relevant. Eventually the writers find a way to get the two back together and remove Katherine from the picture just in time for the series finale. I suppose they can throw everyone off and kill off Mike ala Billy on Ally McBeal (I'd prefer Susan bite it, but whatever), but I'm not betting on it.

Of course, they could always throw us a curveball and put a completely new woman in there. Maybe an old ex or a new woman who swept Mike off his feet or someone else off Wisteria Lane, like Karen McClesky. Uh, never mind.

Whoever it is, I hope it's more interesting than last season was. As for the other loose ends,

Usurper! Usurper!

Gabby has a new target to trade barbs with: a younger version of herself. What's the new girl's angle? My guess is she's not really related to Carlos, sent to seduce him and push Gabby out of the picture. Cheap insults and self-absorption. Yawn.

Lady and the Tramp

Karl's easily my favorite reoccurring character. He knows how to push Susan's buttons and handles Bree pretty well. Plus he's kinda sexy in a rugged, middle-aged sort of way. His sleazeball vibe works well with the wholesome Bree. Well, that is if you consider an alcoholic who tried to poison her husband and let her boyfriend die next to her without calling an ambulance wholesome. Republicans. But since Orson has become more annoying, this new direction could be fun.

Preggers

Besides Bree, Lynette is consistently the strongest character on the show, but the pregnancy is just so... played out. And twins? Oh my, that's twice as much trouble! Not looking forward to this at all.

Vacancy

With Dave in the looney bin, there's a vacant spot for another family. What dysfunctional wackos will it be this time? Militia men? PETA members? Scientologists? Witches? Will they be lesbians? Black? Asian? Transgender? Hicks?

I just hope it's better than the last 20 something episodes. There's little hope of matching the quality of season one, but I won't stick around four more years of mysteries we can guess on the first episode.

So are you guys even trying? pt. 1 (Wolverine review)

2009-05-05T20:59:00.007-04:00

*SLIGHT SPOILERS*

I didn't have high expectations for X-Men Origins: Wolverine. For one thing, as much as I love the character, he isn't terribly deep. Even with all the pages of backstory he's still just a bad-ass with a mysterious past and the occasional soft spot for a woman willing to fuck him. An anti-hero works great for ensemble casts, not so much when he's front and center. On top of that, this film is a spinoff, which usually means less budget and a weaker director. So the bar is pretty low. And the film still slinks beneath it.

X2 turned out so great due to smart-writtenly moments of dialogue that allowed the characters to be people, filled with ideas, dreams, and anxieties. The superheroes were brought down to earth and the audience felt for them. Consequently, when the action kicked up, we were invested in the outcome.

All of that is missing from Wolverine. His relationship with Kayla feels weak and forced. He expresses grief by yelling at the sky, even as a kid (in one of the most cringe-worthy scenes ever filmed). The backstory with Victor is so shallow you couldn't drown an ant in it. It's essentially a prepubescent sibling rivalry. Why is Victor so much more bloodthirsty? Does he ever really intend to kill Logan? Did Logan ever care enough to try to change Victor? Such relevant ideas are left behind for a weak revenge plot.

OK, so the acting, plot, and character development are sub-par, a good action film can make up for these shortcomings with good visual effects, action, and some witty dialogue. And we get some of that. Wolverine's escape on a motorcycle was an exciting set-piece. I got a few chuckles with Deadpool and Agent Zero, but both characters are out of the picture halfway in. Why deprive us of the certifiable hotness that is Ryan Reynolds?

I mean, damn.

*Ahem*

The rest of the film is an uneven mess that comes to a boil with the laziest final battle imaginable. Without giving too much away, let's just say Wolverine fights an enemy more fit for a video game (very similar to Seth from Street Fighter IV actually) than a movie. I guess the writers couldn't be bothered to set up something with trivialities like emotional weight and dialogue.

Oh and there are other little issues that bring the whole thing down even further:

*Cheesiness: The played-out shot of someone walking away from an explosion

*Even more cheesiness: Gambit (who could've been left out and spared us a lot of fanboy bitching) shows up out of nowhere and predictably quips "Miss me?"

*Incredibly cheap-looking claws. What intern was in charge of this?

*They just wouldn't stop with the cheesiness: At one point Wolverine offers his hand to help a former enemy get up off the ground and said enemy pauses (for dramatic effect) before taking his hand.

Wait for the DVD, guys. Not worth the price of matinee.

It's "die" with a "t" on the end

2009-04-30T23:28:00.004-04:00

Diet is a frequent topic of conversation around my friends because, well, I bring it up a lot. Anytime we eat out I do all kinds of culinary acrobatics killing an otherwise good day of eating. It's a tricky thing to pull off, but it works, mostly. My dietary practices are extremely ad hoc, a collection of rules, red flags, and workarounds to keep a spare tire at bay. I've never attempted to list them all until now.

Labels

The most informed way to make choices. I pay attention to these fields, in order of importance: calories, fats, and sodium. I also make sure to check out serving sizes to avoid getting hustled and downing 13 servings of a "50-calorie" snack. Sodium is a big issue for prepackaged foods and can cause your body to retain water, so I pay (some) attention to that whenever possible.

Off-limits

I rarely have the following: pizza, beef, non-diet soda, breaded food (i.e. chicken tenders/nuggets), foods loaded with cheese (ESPECIALLY quesadillas), fried rice, fried chicken, potato chips (except occasionally Sun Chips), and pasta. Sweets don't tempt me often, so I don't usually have cake, ice cream, or much any dessert.

Damage Control

When I'm "bad", I'll reduce portions to minimize damage. Throwing away half the fries from a fast food place lops off 200-300 calories easily and they're never missed. Leaving whipped cream off a dessert takes off a 100-something calories. I like to split desserts at restaurants, although not everyone is agreeable to that.

Snacks

Snacks are an easy way to fuck up an otherwise good diet. Working in an office only complicates things, I've cursed many a donut-toting 'teammate'. If hunger pangs start working their way through my body, I have a big-ass box of Nut 'n' Honey bars in the cabinet at my desk. At 180 calories and $8 for a box of 60, these things are a godsend. I eat healthy (these things don't even have high fructose corn syrup, everything has high fructose corn syrup) and don't waste money at the vending machine.

Cooking

I'm your typical bachelor, which essentially means my cooking is passable at best. I bake boneless, skinless chicken breast, throw it on a plate with some rice and a vegetable and chow down. Throwing some basil on the chicken and boiling the rice in chicken broth adds some flavor, but I won't be inviting friends over unless there's takeout involved.

My Weaknesses

Alcohol is the biggest issue for me. I like to have a few after a long hard day and then crash for the night. All those calories right before bed just invite my body to pile some fat on. The next issue is eating out. I have no desire to consume a 'healthy' salad and have to guess what's tasty and not artery-clogging. Sometimes it doesn't work out too well. I once ordered a 2300 calorie plate at On the Border and didn't realize how much crap I wolfed down until I got home.

So there's the entirely unsolicited window into my head when my belly is empty. This unstructured system works well for me, which is about all you can expect. Successful dieting is all about figuring out what works for you and doing it. It's worth noting I didn't develop all these practices at once, they were slowly accumulated over the years. Most are based off tips I've read in WebMD articles and on nutrition message board discussions.

The Devil is in the Details

2009-03-30T21:09:00.003-04:00

I can't believe March is almost over. It really feels like the month just began. I thought it'd been a long time since I'd written anything only to discover I put a post last week. For some reason I thought it had been much longer than that. Memories feel like that to me sometimes, like they just happened the other day and at the same time feel distant.

Over the last few months I've been in the process of buying a home. The whole thing has been exciting in the sense that owning property is a huge step (oh and that sweeeet $8k tax credit) and tedious in the "what the hell is that fee, and i don't care about these options, just give me the damn thing already" sense. But with the subprime crisis I have to stay alert. A lot of intelligent people got screwed by bad mortgages because they didn't understand them. Gotta stay on top of that stuff. The house has to be built and I can't close until it's finished, so this gives me time to research and make sure I know my stuff.

Around the same time the house closes I'll be taking another trip to Disney World with MacBoy. I hadn't planned on going again, given the many other, non-corporate parts of the world I haven't seen, but MacBoy scored a pretty good deal. MacBoy is crazy obssessed with Disney World, to the point of actually listening to podcasts about the place. I kinda feel like I'm enabling a drug addict.

At least MacBoy is happy to handle all the arrangements of the trip. He's planned reservations for dinner, flight tickets, transportation, and has set up a tentative schedule for all 7 days of the trip. I just pay my half and enjoy the ride.

The Problem with Tyler Perry

2009-03-23T20:36:00.007-04:00

To those that ask me, I'm pretty vocal about my dislike of Tyler Perry films. I've seen Diary of a Mad Black Woman and Madea's Family Reunion and hated both films. Some blogs have pointed out the thinly-veiled sexism in his movies while others have taken issue with the stereotyping. My take is a lot more simple: they're fucking terrible.

A little backstory: In a movie about everyday people I hate characters who 'break' the rules and destroy my suspension of belief. For instance, in every Adam Sandler film I've ever seen he plays a fuckup who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. Despite all this, he somehow manages to pull the hot chick who inexplicably sees through his udder mediocrity to the pitiable loser underneath. This issue arises with Jay in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, the losers in Saving Silverman, and even Kramer on Seinfeld, although George at least calls attention to absurdness of Kramer's fortunes.

So that's my problem with Madea: it makes no sense for anyone to seek advice from her (or even respect her). In Mad Black Woman, Helen, rejected by her husband and at her worst, seeks out Madea for consolation. Her solution? Crash through the gate of his property, take a chainsaw to the furniture, and rip his mistress' clothes. Are these the actions of a wise matriarch or a raving lunatic? Wild, reckless behavior is intrinsic to the character, which might be fine if she were some crazy cat lady down the street, but instead she's sought for her counsel. Why? She totes a gun and inevitably finds herself facing down a judge. Madea's rare moments of wisdom rarely rise above homespun platitudes fit for an episode of Dr. Phil.

The storylines that weakly intertwine with Madea's are just as bad. The villains are cartoonish caricatures pushed beyond the point of redemption (another problem I have with Adam Sandler movies). It's not enough that Steve Harris and Blair Underwood are philandering and abusive assholes, they must be involved in illegal business practices. Lynn Whitfield puts down her daugher at every opportunity in Family Reunion, but then, just in case we were starting to like her, one daughter reveals that Whitfield allowed her ex-husband to rape her at the tender age of 13. Just to push the point home, the low-rent Wilhemina says to her estranged daughter "You know I love [your sister] more than you", as if we haven't figured that out. The lines between 'good' and 'evil' are clearly drawn. Why can't relationships be about two imperfect people with problems that try to sort through them? Does he think we can't understand that?

Discussing the 'message' of his films is never a necessity, the characters will spell it out for you explicitly, stopping short of looking directly at the camera. Diary of a Mad Black Woman is sprinkled with painful 'diary monologues', where Helen tells us straight-out why her newfound celibacy is making her new man so spiritual and awesome ("He gave me emotional intimacy"). Madea's Family Reunion tortures us with several, lengthy lectures during the actual reunion, functioning as an overblown therapy session for every hot-button black issue for the last ten years. Damn, just let us figure it out on our own already.

This only scratches the surface, I haven't covered any of the questions that distract me during the films. Why are people riding a bus trying to convince a girl they hardly know to date the driver? Is an old man filming a young girl bent over at a family reunion supposed to be funny? Who the HELL has people hanging from the ceiling at their wedding? Or ripped musclemen playing trumpets? Why are most blue collar workers good guys (or gals) squeaking by and most professionals evil, money-grubbing sickos?

I'd like to give him another shot, but every critique of his new films find the same problems I've echoed here. At least he's using his influence to promote Precious, which looks promising.

Licensed but Excellent: Ducktales

2009-03-09T14:37:00.006-04:00

Crappy licensed games have been a constant source of anguish in the video game industry since E.T. nearly killed the industry. Not only were the games terrible nine times out of ten, they sold much better than original IPs without recognizable characters. However a few games broke this trend, being worthy of the attention they generated. I'll chronicle them some of these rare gems in this series: "Licensed but Excellent".

Ducktales

Background: In the late 80s to early 90s, Disney cartoons dominated the after-school cartoon lineup. Gummi Bears, Talespin, Chip 'n' Dale Rescue Rangers, and Darkwing Duck captivated latchkey kids around the nation. The best of these was Ducktales, which followed the adventures of Scrooge McDuck and his mysteriously-orphaned nephews*.

At the same time, Disney formed a long-term relationship with Capcom, one of the best video game publishers in the world. Throughout the 8-bit and 16-bit era Capcom released several excellent games bearing Disney characters on the cover. Their first big hit put Scrooge and his friends in digital form.

Why it rocked: Two words, pogo cane. Playing as Scrooge McDuck, his normal jump was relatively useless, but players quickly discovered the real fun lay in bouncing around on Scrooge's cane, which acted like a pogo stick of sorts. With it, Scrooge could trounce enemies, soar higher than ever, and even jump on spikes.

His cane could also be swung to hit rocks, stones, canisters, statues, and coffins. Each object had a different reaction, making experimentation absolutely essential. Additionally, each level was overloaded with secrets, multiple pathways, and hidden alcoves. Players could play through the game multiple times without seeing everything it has to offer.

Looking back, Capcom could've taken the easy way out and made a shooter revolving around Gizmoduck, who was all the rage at the time, so kudos to them for going the less predictable route.

How it holds up: The pogo jumping mechanic works as well as I remember. And rediscovering the wealth of secrets kept me on my toes. While not overly difficult, the game wasn't quite as breezy as I expected. Some of the jumps in the first level were pretty harrowing. Three measly lives and no continues made things even tougher.

With only five levels, it's amazing this justified a $50 price tag in 1990. Nowadays gamers bitch if they don't get at least a 10-15 hour single-player experience with online functionality. The boss fights leave something to be desired. Wait for the obvious opening, pogo-bounce off your foe, rinse, repeat.

The biggest issue lies with the sound. The music is passable (some might call the moon level "epic"), but the enemies make this high-pitched pseudo-squeal when you kill them that sounds sort of like rewinding a tape recording of a cat being tortured. This goes for rats, spiders, apes, aliens, space ducks, and bosses. Every. Single. Enemy.

Chances of rerelease: Pretty low. The Ducktales fandom isn't particularly passionate or widespread as far as I can tell. More importantly, there doesn't seem to be much momentum towards working out the legal deals to make a rerelease happen. Even so, this would be great for Nintendo's Virtual Console service.

*The niece/nephew sidekick always annoyed me. It's a convenient way to have 'kid' version of a character without dealing with the messy business of establishing a love interest/family dynamic to the character.

Another Meditation on Dating

2009-03-03T20:23:00.005-05:00

I stumbled upon an interesting column discussing why smart people have trouble finding love. It must be noted the author pimps his book pretty hard. I'm pretty sure he was being tongue-in-cheek in the 'shameless self-promotion' sort of way comedians sometimes are, but I'd still recommend not buying the book just to spite him. He also assumes his audience consists entirely of heterosexuals, although his points are pretty universal.

The basic thesis of the write-up is that smart, educated people spent much of their teenage years concentrating on their accomplishments instead of trying to get laid and consequently didn't develop a lot of the wooing skills that come naturally to academically-slow crowd. If the lonely intelligentsia just learned to loosen up and have fun, their love lives would be as active as the rest of the planet's.

OK, so the revelation isn't particularly shocking -- people have been telling me to lighten up all my life -- but it did raise some questions. Did I give up a lot of important experiences by not dating in high school? Have I placed too much emphasis on academic accomplishments? Am I being presumptuous to think I place in the 5% most intelligent people on the planet? [Answer: Definitely not]

It's true that I can overanalyze things to the nth degree. It can be tiresome. A philosophy professor once commented that Socrates sounds like he was a pain to be around. "My dear Socrates, yes, the pursuit of material wealth is a fool's errand, but STFU already you tool." It's also true a single glaring typo can turn me off an otherwise-decent online profile. And socially awkward? Got that covered.

But "loosening up" is easier said than done. Someone who's uptight in social situations has built up a lot of habits and tics that are so ingrained they may not even be aware of them. And if you're inclined to have deep political, philosophical discussions it might be a little difficult to feign interest in, say, the latest American Idol results show.

Ultimately, there's no real answer here. Working on social awkwardness would always be good, but otherwise it's just a matter of compatibility. *shrug*

Random thoughts on Street Fighter 4

2009-03-01T11:44:00.003-05:00

Street Fighter 4 has been dominating my time ever since its release almost two weeks ago. I originally had some trepidation about the game. Capcom usually has to tweak the fighting engine with new releases before they get it right. But so far I'm enjoying the new game.

The high-definition, 3D graphics make the fighters look better than ever. In still screenshots they look rather goofy, but in motion it all looks seamless and smooth. The pseudo-cel-shaded style pays homage to the anime-style of the Alpha and Street Fighter 3 series, while meeting the standards for the 21st century.

A few other thoughts:

The announcer makes me want to punch the screen half the time. It's the same problem with Street Fighter Alpha 3 and Capcom vs. SNK 2. Why, why, why isn't there an option to disable him?
Most of the English voices grate just as much. Blanka, Akuma, and Zangief are the worst.
Pressing three punches for Ultras is unnecessary. Why not use heavy punch/kick for ultras and weak/medium punch/kick for supers?
Speaking of which it takes a long time to build meter for super combos. EX specials have proven more useful.
Dan is hilarious. His ultra made me laugh my ass off.
I'm still trying to get the hang of the focus attack-dash cancel thing everyone harps on and on about.
The intro boasts a brilliant sense of style (although I am NOT feeling the theme song). If they could've incorporated it into the game, it would've pushed the whole thing to another level.
Online play is a blast. I've had my ass thoroughly kicked and dished out my share of ass whuppings in return. And lag isn't too bad if the connection is good.
Reviews have been calling this game very "casual friendly" and that is not true with even the most generous definition of "casual". I don't think this is a problem because if Street Fighter ever reached the point of hitting this benchmark it'd cease to be Street Fighter. I can't see the average Wii Sports player getting the hang of quarter-circle motions.
I don't care for any of the new fighters except for maybe Crimson Viper. Abel's okay. El Fuerte gets on my nerves and Rufus is just gross.
Why the hell is Capcom trying to nickel-and-dime us with this alternate costume bullshit? Namco has been providing alternate costumes and customizable clothing for years at no extra charge.

Despite all the complaints, I really enjoy the game. It's great to pick up a few online matches here and there. The unlockable prizes make for a nice distraction too, even though unlocking all the fighters felt like needless busywork. Hopefully a patch will tweak a few annoyances *cough*announcer*cough*.

I present to you a chart

2009-02-22T16:37:00.001-05:00

Playing the Numbers Game

2009-02-16T20:06:00.003-05:00

The latest episode of the NPR show This American Life leads off with a discussion of dating prospects. A group of physicists determined that out of the 600,000 people in Boston, they are approximately 2500 eligible women for them to date. The population was filtered by age, education level, relationship status, and likelihood of physical attractiveness to reach this number. The man interviewed found the final number depressing.

My response? Give me a friggin' break. These guys were college aged and have any number of venues to find dates. Parties, university functions, bars, festivals, church, grocery stores, bake sales, etc. Unlike most guys, gay men can't simply approach any random hottie off the street unless we're willing to risk an ass-whupping. When it comes to finding a spouse, the world is the straight man's oyster. Compare that to the plight of the average gay or lesbian and it's a virtual nirvana.

Living in the Raleigh-Durham area of NC, I decided to run some numbers of my own to see how a gay man might fare here. First of all, I decided to use the Census statistic for the Raleigh-Durham-Metropolitan area, 1,047,629, rather than simply the population total of any one city. Secondly, since the number of gays is difficult to determine (thanks to our old friend the closet), I settled on an estimate of 6%. Finally, my number accounted for gender, age, weight, education level, weight, and relationship status.

Obviously the percentage of gays ruled out a lot of the population. And since women are out of the question, that number is cut in half (actually there are slightly more women in Raleigh than men, but it's close enough). With an age range of 18-40, we have about 41.4% of the population to work with. The technology boom brought a lot of college graduates to the area, so 46.5% has a bachelor's degree or more, nearly double the national average. Then there's obesity, which cuts out 25.6% of the population (if you want to cut off overweight people shave off 62.3%). Finally, let's say that 40% of the guys are in relationships.

So let's take those numbers, add the 20% possibility (used on This American Life) of finding the other person attractive and see the final total:

1047629 * 0.5 * 0.06 * 0.414 * 0.465 * 0.744 * 0.4 * 0.2 = 360

Yeah you read that right. Keep in mind that NPR used just the population of Boston for their calculation. If they'd draw from the 4.4 million people in the Greater Boston area, as well as acknowledged that 40% of Boston residents have college degrees and cut off the obese population, then the number comes to 24,701.

This doesn't account for other factors like gay men in the closet (which is a lot in NC), serosorting, and the few spaces in which gay men can meet safely. So I don't think the future Phd holders of Harvard university have much to worry about by comparison.

I'm also aware that some of these factors are arguably superficial. A college degree doesn't mean the graduate is intelligent, a considerable age gap can be overcome, and obese people aren't necessarily undateable (as some of my former boyfriends can confirm). Still the numbers tell an interesting tale.

New Drawing

2009-01-27T21:11:00.005-05:00

In my New Year's post I mentioned I'd like to exercise my creative side more. Last night, while gazing at the bits of a foam on the side of my beer glass, I found inspiration. So here's my latest drawing:

And here's the source. I took a little artistic license with the liquid in the glass and the background:

Also gives you a nice look at my entertainment center. I've accepted that I'm just not going to be the next M.C. Esher with my first thousand or so drawings (if ever), but overall I'm pretty satisfied. Drawing the distortions in the glass was a bit of a challenge.

Who says a bottle can't solve all our problems?

The End of a Nightmare

2009-01-19T23:15:00.004-05:00

This is a stream-of-consciousness post, so bear with me if this sounds incoherent. Today is the last day of Bush's presidency. These are words I've wanted to type for a long, long time. After the 2004 election, I just detached from the actions of our government and quit caring. No matter what I just accepted that Washington didn't have my best interests in mind. I watched Republicans bend over backwards to install a theocracy through whatever means they could find. I watched instances of utter incompetence be exposed again and again. I watched as constitutional rights were denied, dissenters were villified, and despair grew.

After Hurricane Katrina, all hope was gone. Raised in a (socially) conservative household, I felt I needed to give Bush a chance, but no more. It was apparent that he was grossly unfit for the office, the embodiment of privilege winning over qualification for an office. The nation voted for a man it'd like to have a beer with when that was all he was good for.

I've read the grievances against the Bush administration a million times. Wiretapping. War mongering. A blatant disregard for science. Politicization of every department of government. Gitmo. Iraq. Afghanistan. 9/11 intelligence failures. Cronyism. The most disturbing looks into the inner workings of the administration comes from insiders. How can a group of people be so unprofessional, so insensitive to the needs of ~~the poor~~ the non-rich, so dismissive of the U.N.?

That's why "hope" was a central theme of Obama's candidacy. We had none. I was optimistically pessimistic that things won't get that bad under the tyranny of Bush. "Yeah he's fucking things up but he can only do so much damage".

Now Barack's not perfect, but at least he's willing to reach out to people, even if I don't care for some of those he's pulling into discussion. That's the true essence of democracy, working with people who disagree with you, not demonizing the opposition. Tomorrow can't come soon enough.

New party member

2009-01-14T20:16:00.005-05:00

The upcoming release of Resident Evil 5 had me contemplating the dearth of black characters in video games. I'm talking original characters created specifically for a video game, not licensed characters like Storm, War Machine, and Shadow Man. The few black heroes and villains to be found are usually painfully stereotypical. As bad as film and television can be, diversity and racial sensitivity in video games lags far behind both of those industries.

So when the newest Final Fantasy XIII character was revealed, I was surprised to see he's a brother. The first (and last) time the series had a black party member we got Barrett, a foul-mouthed, Ebonics-speaking Mr. T clone (Sorry guys Fran doesn't count). One step forward, two steps back. Since then blacks have existed off and on in the Final Fantasy sequels, but this is the first time a black person has made it into the main party in 11 years (wow, hard to believe it was that long ago). Here he is, Sazh Kalzroy:

Well I'm not instantly repulsed, so that's a plus. The afro is a bit much, characters with afros have been played out since 1998. Not much is known about Sazh except he fights with twin pistols and likes chocobos, so it's too early make a call one way or the other. I don't get a gangsta vibe from his design, so the gun-toting probably won't be an issue.

But if we're honest with ourselves, it might be difficult for a Japanese developer to sidestep the many trappings black characters fall into. Hell, Western developers can't seem to get it right, as evidenced by Cole Train in Gears of War (I mean, holy shit, this is bad). But there are some pretty clear rules they can follow:

Don't base them off black celebrities. Rappers and athletes are overrepresented in American pop culture and it doesn't even come CLOSE to representing the average African American. Blacks are lawyers, doctors, managers, cashiers, and politicians, so don't pigeonhole them based off the biases of US television. I'm really happy to see that the pistols hasn't led to a faux-50 cent flying around Final Fantasy XIII.

Don't make the characters dumb or needlessly violent. This is pretty self-explanatory I think.

Feel free to make them evil. An angelic do-gooder might be viewed as pandering, but a calculating, motivated, and even demented villain could be really cool. I really enjoyed The Operative in Serenity, who slaughtered dozens of people but espoused a clear, if twisted, philosophy.

Write them like the white characters. Final Fantasy VII features a fantastic world with interesting technology and a unique society in upheaval. So why the hell does Barrett sound like he's straight out of Compton? There aren't any country, Boston, New York, or surfer accents on the white characters, so how did Ebonics survive translation into the society of Midgar? It shouldn't have. Unless a game takes place in the present, past, or very near future, it doesn't make sense to specifically give the black characters stereotypical speech patterns at all.

I'll definitely be picking up Final Fantasy XIII on day one. Here's hoping Square Enix is a little more conscious of stereotyping this time around.

2009

2009-01-02T07:57:00.002-05:00

Reflecting back on 2008, I don't have a really strong feeling one way or the other. It wasn't a bad year by any stretch of the imagination. No deaths. No lost jobs, homes, or cars. The only breakup was mutual and friendly. That is at least something to be thankful for.

It wasn't an especially good year either. No major goals or milestones. Not much excitement, except for a trip to Disney World. Oh I did spend a few days in LA and DC. I did find a good friend in MacBoy and I'm grateful for that. I also put down the deposit on a house about a month ago, but the move-in won't occur until June at the earliest.

So 2008 feels just... meh. I'm way too cynical for resolutions, but there are some things I'd like to see change in 2009. For one thing, I want to get out of the house more. Too many weekends were spent either on my couch or one of five other places. I'm in my late 20s and have more disposable income than ever, there's a lot of this country I've never seen, much less the world. Mountains, beaches, San Diego, San Francisco, New York, Chicago, Europe, Atlanta, Australia, Hong Kong, Seattle, Las Vegas.... the list goes on and on.

I'd like to feel work isn't a torturous lurch towards 5 o'clock. Somewhere in a magical, mystical world there exists people who enjoy their jobs and wake up looking forward to work. I want to take the initiative and become one of those people. How will I do that? Well that remains to be seen.

I want to be use my creative side more. This would be helpful with my career too. I have an occasional drawing here and there, I want it to be come a regular habit. I've been studying music theory off and on, now I want to experiment with composition. A creative outlet could expand my mind and give me a different perspective.

Well that's it. Let's see how it all works out. Happy New Year!

The Airing of Grievances

2008-12-24T12:35:00.005-05:00

Festivus is here which means it's time for my favorite holiday tradition: bitching about stuff! I got a lot of problems with you people and you need to be called out. Let's get right to it (in no particular order)

California - You voted to take away the rights of gays to marry, buying into the fear and lies of the Religious Right. Then many (not all) of the marriage equality activists turned their anger on black folks (regardless of how they voted or their orientation) when the ban would've still passed if blacks voted at the same rate as whites. Not cool.

Family Guy - Went from consistently funny to spotty quality with some real stinkers in the last year. And rape is not funny.

Nintendo - Talk about a piss poor holiday lineup. The two most prominent games on the DS are nearly 15 year old rereleases and the major Wii title is a tired fishing/gardening simulator.

George W. Bush - Thanks for throwing the country into the shitter. And these last minute acts of deregulation you're pushing through are beyond the pale ridiculous.

My brother - Sorry it's not 'just a phase'. I look forward to you saying the same thing 10 years from now.

Writers of Desperate Housewives - Get to the point already with Dave. And extending an already-formulaic show two years basically guarantees that it'll need to be put out of its misery by the end.

Sarah Palin - How the hell are you going ask "Who is Barack Obama?" when no one heard of your ass before August? Try figuring out what the VP does, then get back to us. At least you got us more screen time with the lovely and hilarious Tina Fey.

Conservatives - Nothing to say to y'all actually. Just want to laugh in your stupid faces.

Bad Drivers - The left lane is for passing, not going 10 mph under the speed limit. Also, pulling out in front of car going 55 is a great way to take a trip through the front windshield. I hear that a good time to turn on headlights is when it's raining at night. Just a thought.

Hideo Kojima - I love the Metal Gear Solid series, but look into hiring a writer and an editor. Seriously.

Square Enix - I'd like to see a Final Fantasy without androgynous male and scantily-clad female lead characters. And see the editor/writer thing mentioned above.

NPR - You cancelled my favorite show, News & Notes. The podcast was a must for my morning drive to work.

Well I know I'm missing something, but that's all I got for now. Happy Festivus!

Party Foul

2008-12-18T18:44:00.003-05:00

It seems like there's some kind of controversy every few days with Obama's upcoming presidential term. People obssess over the diversity of his cabinet. The press gobbles up whatever tidbit they find. They bother him about his (weak) links to Rod Blagojevich.

Now his inauguration is under fire. Pastor Rick Warren will be giving the invocation at the ceremony, prompting outrage from LGBT groups across the nation. Oddly enough, little has been said about his stance on reproductive rights. Still many are (rightfully) annoyed that someone who worked so strongly to pass Proposition 8 will be front and center on such a joyous and historic day.

I get the idea behind Obama's goal to bring people together. The country is seriously divided. Half the nation thinks the other half is out of its mind, evil, or just plain stupid. Building a consensus will move us forward rather than drawing us into the bickering of the past.

But Rick Warren is not progress. He's moved a few inches away from "rabidly anti-gay" to "calmly anti-gay". The guy's one good point is that he (finally) reminded Christian conservatives that they are called to help out the poor and has raised awareness of the AIDS epidemic. I like the idea of an "inclusive" inauguration, I just wish someone so blatantly non-inclusive wasn't involved.

When you get in front of a crowd and equate homosexuality with incest and pedophilia, that's not inclusive. That encourages the brutal beatings and murders of people like Lawrence King, Jose Sucuzhanay, and Ali Forney. That contributes to closeted men who marry and are unfaithful to their wives, gay teenage suicide, and unsafe sex practices. It's an outright lie, based on fear and false perceptions.

This guy doesn't belong at the table of inclusion, he belongs on a street corner yelling at whoever will listen to him. Unfortunately he has considerable influence and while he won't be making policy decisions for Obama, he can sway the opinions of millions who listen to him. Having him on his side will likely help the president-elect.

I long for the day when this is no longer true.

Poor Little Rich People

2008-12-02T10:48:00.006-05:00

This whole economic crisis has been hard as hell on some people. Home foreclosures, cutbacks on groceries, putting off doctor's appointments... it's not easy. However there's one group whose suffering has gone largely unnoticed: The Filthy Stinking Rich

Multimillionaire Michael Hirtenstein used to flaunt his acquisitions of opulent real estate. "I collect homes because I enjoy it," he once told DansHamptons.com about his eight properties—which included a $27 million apartment on the 76th floor of Manhattan's Time Warner Center. In August 2007, the 45-year-old Hirtenstein, who made his fortune in telecommunications, regaled the New York Post with his plans for a $35 million, glass-enclosed duplex in Manhattan's Tribeca neighborhood, replete with suede-covered walls, three living rooms and a heated pool with built-in underwater video screen. Alas, the economy ground to a halt, and so did Hirtenstein's conspicuous consumption of real estate. He quietly reneged on the Tribeca duplex, forfeiting a hefty deposit.

Oh noes! How will poor Mr. Hirtenstein get by without his fix of aquatic-CSI episodes? Who will sound the alarm for this aching soul, ditching limousines for (*gasp*) town cars and ordering top-shelf liquor in chain restaurants?Lord

Hirtenstein's "frugal" living is the result of witnessing his friends' finances dwindle. My guess is they were all engaged in a gigantic pissing contest to outdo each other's absurd, extravagant lifestyle and now that the game is over, Hirtenstein would rather not rub it in their faces. I mean the guy had the good decency to forgo buying a Ferrari (which he considers a "toy"). He knows how to scrimp.

Perhaps I'm being too hard on him, but I was raised not to place too much value on material things. The phrase "bling bling" (besides sounding really, really stupid) irked me for this very reason and its widespread usage (even in the linked Newsweek article) baffles me. So when I read about spendthrifts like Hirtenstein and their almost cartoonish indulgences I can't help but be disgusted.

Not that they're the only ones doing wasteful spending. And at least they didn't trample anyone to buy their luxury apartments and clothing. Seriously what is wrong with people? Busting down Wal-Mart doors to get at a plasma TV and some cheap DVD players? Are we going to have to declare martial law next Black Friday?

Granted I'm not innocent here either. I spent $70 at Amazon to score some cheap Wii games and picked up a 500 GB hard drive yesterday. And earlier this year I dropped some serious cash to score a PS3 and a new TV of my own. (UPDATE: And now Tatsunoko vs. Capcom is seriously tempting me) But I like to think my spending is a little more controlled. And the picture on the screen is soooo sweet.

Dinner conversation

2008-11-20T12:35:00.003-05:00

Thanksgiving will be my first visit with the family since a brief stop on July 4th. A lot of has gone down on the national stage since that time. Obama had an overwhelming victory in the general election after a tough, rigorous campaign. The stock market has crashed hard, banks have gone belly up, and the economy looks rough for the near future. Passage of Proposition 8 caused an uproar and protests in almost every state in the country. There's no shortage of fodder for discussion. While you might think the election of Obama would be cause for celebration, there are some pretty hardcore conservatives in the family.

Why would any black American support the political party that has been all-but-hostile to their vote? The one not interested in expanding healthcare for everyone or helping get families out of poverty? The one that botched the federal response to Hurricane Katrina and led us into a costly, poorly managed war?

Well as many gays discovered on Nov. 5th, many blacks are socially conservative. The church's prominence in the black community is unavoidable. It's the number one way to get a message out there. So it comes as little surprise (although disappointing) that anti-abortion, anti-gay, and anti-contraception views are common, despite the very real problems of teenage pregnancy, STDs, and a general lack of safe-sex practices.

But our church isn't particularly political and ministers rarely bring up gays, abortion, or birth control. Most of these views come from the Focus on the Family radio program, which one female relative listens to every day (last I heard). In 2000 she said George W. Bush was a "good, Christian man" even while he refused to pardon a mentally challenged man on death row and called a reporter a "grade-A asshole". They even convinced her to support the Bush tax cuts, even though she's nowhere near the income level that would benefit from them.

So conversation at the Thanksgiving table should be interesting. Will we all deftly avoid the topic of politics? Will someone bitch that the first black president openly supports pro-gay legislation? Some of us are skilled at avoiding touchy subjects, others of us say what's on our minds without thinking. Others love to incite an argument. How much yelling will take place? How much will I laugh at the destroyed reputation of conservative golden-boy Georgie and the collapse of the GOP?

I'll be back next week with the 411. In the meantime, how does your family handle political discussions? Do you avoid the subject? If not, is there a lot of agreement or a lot of arguing?

Boobs, Glutes, Pecs, and Quads

2008-11-12T12:18:00.010-05:00

The picture above is Seth, the new final boss in Street Fighter IV. Besides being not entirely human (what's the deal with the vortex?), Seth's muscular body looks ridiculous. Somehow the artists discovered (invented, if you will) a new muscle in the middle of the chest.

Video games take a lot of (deserved) flak for the plethora of unrealistically proportioned female characters. The list of culprits is a mile long: Ivy and Taki from the Soul Calibur series, Lara Croft from the Tomb Raider series, Mai Shiranui from King of Fighters, and the entire female cast of Dead or Alive just to name a few. I've always found the appeal of these buxom beauties a little baffling. At some point doesn't the ample bosoms and super-small waists become more distracting than alluring? I think the fanboy preference of Aerith from Final Fantasy VII over Tifa wasn't just her tragic sacrifice, but that she looked like a girl they might actually meet somewhere.

But for all the griping about these absurd femme fatales, little to nothing is ever said about their overly muscular male counterparts. Compared to its contemporaries, Street Fighter's female combatants are fairly tame. Sure the idea of fighting in a swimsuit and combat boots is outlandish, but the bodies (mostly) resemble those of real women. The fellas on the other hand look like they've been seeing Bane's doctor. The character art makes this especially clear. The musculature on display there can only be seen on the dehydrated torsos of body builders in the thick of competition. Skintight clothing does nothing to inhibit the prominence of muscles either.

Translating the Street Fighter cast to high-definition has only exasperated the problem. The male cast members look more freakishly roided up than ever. There's also an issue with their facial animations, but that's for another post entirely. Looking at the screenshots, it looks like the team attempted to take the cartoonish and slightly exaggerated look of the character art and translate the look into 3D. The end result is some goofy looking fighters.

Of course, as a Street Fighter fanatic, I'll be there on day one to pick it up regardless. Going back to SFIV's almost-naked final boss, Seth (pretty bland name there) boasts the same type of over-the-top powers that Gill did in SFIII. What happened to the days of Bison and Sagat, when the final boss had abilities closer to the rest of the roster? Why not rely on smart computer AI to make the final battle tough instead of overpowered guys in speedos?

Having said all that, I can't wait for February 19th, 2009 to play with all the buxom and steroid-pumped fighters. Now where's my Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix?

Portrait of a Canine

2008-11-09T16:17:00.004-05:00

It's been awhile since my last artistic post, so now's as good of a time as any. Bert, MacBoy's lovable beagle, is my subject this time. Here's the drawing:
And here's the original:

First of all, I really should pick a lighter dog next time. Bert's dark spots are a pain to shade in. I think it resembles him well enough, but the texture of his fur is lost. I also wish I could draw the border of his fur just below the collar and the window pane behind it without the bold line there. I think I'll try out cross-hatching with my next drawing. And since every loves a cute dog picture here's another one of Bert.

Until next time.

Winner? That One.

2008-11-06T21:09:00.004-05:00

After 21 months of out-campaigning, out-organizing, and out-debating his opponents, Barack Obama won the presidency. He even managed to turn NC blue, something that hasn't been done since 1976 and set a record for percentage of the popular vote won by a Dem. Amazing.

For icing on the cake, "Godless" Kay Hagan ousted Elizabeth Dole's worthless ass from office.

The only downside is the passage of Proposition 8 in California, eliminating gay marriage there. A pretty big setback that's already caused a lot of infighting in the LGBT community.

The Boob Tube

2008-10-29T22:42:00.004-04:00

Hanging out with MacBoy has gotten me back into regular television. I limited my viewing habits to Family Guy and Intervention after Friends went off the air, mostly out of lack of interest. Now he has me hooked on Desperate Housewives and Ugly Betty. Here's my take on things so far this season:

Can we get a new dynamic on Tom and Lynette's relationship? It seems like every episode either (1) Tom has some crazy new idea (RV, garageband, etc) that Lynette shoots down, (2) Lynette does something sneaky and manipulative to get what she wants or (3) Lynette is on Tom's back about spending time with the family. It's getting old and a bit predictable. And WTF was up with the RV idea anyway? Did Tom really think his family would want to ditch all their friends and wonder around the country for a year? The Scavos is supposed to me the"All-American" family (white, middle-class, kids), so it's unlikely the two will break up or have full-blown affairs, but it's clear the writers have trouble finding interesting things for them to do.

Susan's annoying slapstick humor is thankfully missing so far. I enjoyed seeing the drama of her divorce from Mike. As melodramatic as her "we're Susan and Mike" speech was, Teri Hatcher made it work. She practically broke the fourth wall and said to us "C'mon we're Susan and Mike, you just know we're getting back together".

Gabby and Carlos have been a little light on humor, but I'm enjoying the growth of the two characters. The two selfish rich people are gone and they resemble a loving, if dysfunctional, family now. But how is a masseuse making payments on a home like that and feeding his family?

Bree remains the funniest and most intriguing housewife. Except for arguably Susan, she endured the most tumultuous time during the break. Andrew has even grew into a responsible, stand-up guy. Mostly. Did anyone else find it convenient that Bree threw two dinner parties and only invited people relevant to the context of the episode, first when Edie asked Dave about his past and again for Orson's send-off before he went to prison?

Dave's creepy, mysterious presence brings a slight bit of tension to the show, something I expect to increase during November sweeps. Some have speculated that he's related to George (they both have the last name Williams), but his target is a man, when Bree would be the most logical target for avenging George's death. So who does that leave? Hopefully not Mike Delfino, too predictable.Could Orson have ticked him off? Or was he an old business associate of Carlos? Tom Scavo would be a nice change of pace. Who knows.

As for Ugly Betty, things are hit-or-miss. That dorky, stiff, boring Henry is thankfully gone, and Gio's definitely the more interesting of the two love interests. Gio's more blunt and rude than Henry, which works better against Betty's good-girl persona. Alexis has been reduced to a recurring character, which is probably good. I imagine that transgender fans weren't too happy with her endless backstabbing and attempts to murder people.

Wilhelmina's maneuvers for power are losing steam. Honestly, how many times can she stand in front of the Meades with that stiff, cold look and say "I've got you by the balls, now give me what I want before I twist"? Daniel's growth as a would-be father was a nice change of pace and it gave Claire an opportunity to drop the alcohol and be a real mother. But so far the season is just meh. Will having a child soften Wilhelmina up? What happened to Marks' boyfriend? And will Amanda's far-fetched search for her real dad go anywhere? We'll see.

On a final note, MacBoy also finally ~~forced~~ convinced me to watch Queer As Folk and quite possibly the four most painful episodes of television this side of House of Payne. Some parts softcore porn, some parts drama, no parts good dialogue or acting. Some parts are so painful I had to check if the show wasn't a parody.

Why I won't be voting Republican anytime soon

2008-10-15T17:55:00.002-04:00

So in a conversation with a friend about the 2008 election, he lamented that, while he supports Obama, the election will likely hand both houses of Congress to the Democrats. His line of thinking is that it's best for Washington have one branch of government be controlled by Dems and another controlled by Republicans, forcing compromises to get anything done. I simply disagree with this notion.

First of all let me say that fiscal conservatism has a lot of good points in theory. Most people would agree that limited government spending, a small government, and a balanced budget are worthwhile goals. Let me also say the Democrats, even under the banner of Obama, aren't the golden caravan that will take America to the Promised Land. The liberals compromise too often and rarely take a stand on issues. Intellectuals could make a strong argument to support the ideals of either party.

But that isn't what wins Republican elections. The Republicans have a long history of relying on animosity towards gays, blacks, and illegal immigrants to shore up votes. That's why Willie Horton's pictures was plastered all over TV screens in 1988, that's why Jesse Helms attacked Harvey Gantt on affirmative action, and that's why the Federal Marriage Amendment was discussed on the floor of the Senate in 2004 and 2006. This vile, divisive strategy was coined the "Southern Strategy" by Richard Nixon's strategist, Kevin Phillips.

The Christian Right align themselves with Republicans to help shore up the votes, brazenly attacking science, art, and anything that contradicts their world view. The almost-scary manner in which these people adhere to a point of view in the face of contrary evidence keeps me awake at night. Take abstinence-only education. The overwhelming majority of people will have sex before marriage, yet the Christian Right refuse to admit that it'd be helpful to teach children about protection. And on top of all this, they hold up the 1950's as the ideal time of the American people, ignoring the blatant, systemic racism that kept people of color from moving up at the time.

This is to say nothing of the gays (which I'm one of), a group who they believe can be "healed" or "converted", despite the APA disavowing the notion THIRTY-FIVE YEARS AGO. When they're not bleating about how sinful we are, they're attributing every tragedy imaginable to us, including Hurricane Katrina, 9/11, and the collapse of the Roman empire (really).

And when the Republicans can't rely on racial animosity, homophobia, and religious fanaticism to win them votes, they'll resort to voter suppression (to be fair, Democrats have been accused of this too), targeting many of the very groups they're already stepping on. It amazes me that a party which claims to be so patriotic can violate the very basis of our government with a straight face.

There are so many other things that I could get into: the disdain for and disregard of poor people, the ridiculous distractions during elections (OMG that guy isn't wearing a lapel pin!), the anti-intellectualism, flip-flopping on issues, the lazy complaints about the "liberal media", etc. For me to vote Republican the party would have to morph into a creature virtually unrecognizable from its current incarnation, working to address the interest of people from all walks of life, not just straight, Christian, white males. It has to show respect scientific advancement, make real strides in eliminating poverty, develop a foreign policy that seeks diplomacy first with a concerted effort, and quit trying to institute a theocracy. Until I'll either vote Democrat, third party, or just sit out the elections

More about that whole collapse of the economy thing.

2008-10-06T21:00:00.003-04:00

NPR did another great show explaining the complexities of the financial crisis. If you're as clueless as I am, I definitely recommend giving it a listen. Some of the practices of the firms on Wall Street were absolutely ridiculous. Towards the end of the show they outline an alternative to the bailout that the treasury secretary can use, a "stock injection". The experts explained that this would hold banks responsible while putting the government at less risk. The majority of economists prefer this option and it would go over better with the public, so naturally the odds of the secretary using it are pretty low.

Sigh.

And I couldn't ignore this. McCain's campaign is tanking fast, so he might as well try to link Obama to terrorists. The GOP has never been afraid to play off people's basest fears. And since implying Obama wants to teach kindergarteners that pee-pees go in hoo-hahs didn't fly, he might as well throw whatever he can at Barack. 29 days and (hopefully) this will all be over.

On a lighter note...

2008-09-30T21:49:00.000-04:00

I just had to share this.

Brace yourselves.

2008-09-30T18:50:00.003-04:00

This clusterfuck to end all clusterfucks of an economic crisis combined with the ongoing circus of the presidential election has my head swimming. I keep hearing about home foreclosures, bad mortgage loans, and families deep in debt. I keep hearing about predatory lending, unscrupulous business practices, and punishing the people responsible.

I've heard very little about the so-called victims. Who are these people? How many are there? Why did they sign up for loans they couldn't possibly pay back? The "people responsible" are equally anonymous. What all did they do to cause this? Why were they able to perform such ludicrous transactions?

Fortunately NPR did a great hour-long show that gave a pretty good idea of how this all happened. It can't possibly cover the full scope of the problem (I didn't hear anything about variable-rate mortgages, for instance), but it's better than anything else I've seen.

Now it's the government to the rescue! Economic n00b John McCain suspended his campaign to go down to Washington, take advantage of this crisitunity, and fix the economy. Emergency meetings with the Prez, Congressional leaders, and the cabinet members were held. Everything's going to be alright, right? Right? Well not really. Biggest fuck up ever and our government is too busy squabbling to do anything useful.

And that scares me.

Epic fail.

2008-09-27T20:32:00.005-04:00

In the spirit of Al, I'm taking a rather objectionably written online profile to task. The world of online dating uncovers many people clueless about presenting themselves to others. One profile reads like so:

LOOKIN FOR THOSE BLATINO,BLK,OR SPANISH TOPZ
if are him and can deal wit white guyz that are into hip hop and r&b without thinkin they tryin to be somethin else then get at me...i am who i am and no one can JUDGE ME but tha LORD ALMIGHTY himself ya heard... i am a ovaweight... so if ya dont like ova weight people i aint for u either and u can kizz my A** so juz remember im ghetto azz fuc. oh yea i live in burlington and i look mofo good.

"i look like tha type that can take a dic"

Oh where to start with this? "wit", "azz", "dic", "juz". Why'd he feel it necessary to bleep "ASS" but still type out "fuc"? Why point out no one can judge you but God? Does God judge people based on their musical preferences? And if you're going to say you "look mofo good" you might want to invest in some whitestrips before you take a picture. Ya heard?

District of Columbia

2008-09-24T22:20:00.004-04:00

I love DC. A tourist can choose from dozens of monuments and landmarks during the day and countless hotspots at nighttime. And the guys here are hot. From the airport to my hotel I passed about 20 hotties on the Metro alone. I got into town Tuesday night and stayed until the following Monday, so I saw a good deal of the city.

Tuesday night I went to Freddie's Beach Bar which was so gay on the outside you could see it from a helicopter. The decor inside was perfectly inline with the beach theme without overdoing it. Somehow it manages to flashy while mostly avoiding a cheap, ritzy look. Very Cool.

Tuesday night (and I discovered most nights) is karaoke at Freddie's. Inexplicably I decided to perform without any egging on or being especially drunk. My singing voice is an insult to the very concepts of singing and having a voice, which pretty much relegated me to rap songs, which were in short supply. I figured Kanye West would be a good choice, his rap isn't too fast and generally friendly to most bar crowds. The only choice in the book was "Through the Wire", a song I've heard countless times (23 times on my iPod) but did not know the lyrics to. "Stronger"? "All Falls Down"? "Workout Plan"? "Gold Digger"? Not available. So I butchered that song and went back to my bottle. The audience was mercifully sparse.

Wednesday night I trekked out to the Banana Cafe, a Cuban/Puerto Rican restaurant. After taking five minutes to get seated (plenty of empty tables could be seen), drinking some weak (but cheap) margaritas, and eating food that was so-so at best, I left. And no one was on the piano, despite the posting on the website. Afterwards I went to Remington's a country-western bar with yet another karaoke event and line-dancing lessons. A pretty underwhelming night.

Thursday night I stayed and prepared for my presentation on Friday. I was happy with the presentation I gave on Friday morning, although I stuttered a bit. Hopefully I'll get better the more I do it.

Friday night was a blast. First I went to Jack's for dinner and some drinks. I lack the language to really describe the atmosphere of the place, but it was so... cool. The lighting was low enough to give it a relaxed air, the music wasn't blaring yet enjoyable, and the color scheme hit the mark. On top of that they had $3 Stoli drinks. By comparison, Legend's in Raleigh charges 3.50 for house drinks.

I soaked up the vodka with some tasty risotto at Jack's and wandered down to J.R.'s. Now this was my type of bar. The crowd is diverse, lacking the pretension almost taken for granted on the gay scene. And it was really crowded, but making it over to the bar and getting a drink never took too long. Definitely my favorite place.

I found myself strangely craving IHOP Saturday morning. I jumped on Google and found a one a block from a Metro station. Nice. Later I wandered aimlessly around the Capital area. That night I was preoccupied with activities I'm not going to get into here. Cough.

At the recommendation of Red Seven, I went to Annie's Paramount Steak House for breakfast Sunday morning. Great food and service, not to mention some excellent mimosas. Afterwards I checked out the Newseum, DC's most delicious pun. Tons of great displays, including an antenna from the World Trade Center. The whole place is a bit of a downer though, turns out shooting photos of children playing puppies doesn't get a lot of coverage.

Sunday night I went back to J.R.'s for $2 Stolis and a lot of flirting. On the way home I noticed I was wearing my shirt backwards. Don't ask.

I slept on the plane Monday morning. I'll definitely be back.

I'm a horrible gentlemen

2008-09-23T15:57:00.004-04:00

How good of a gentleman are you? I hope you fare better with this meme than I did. The skills in bold are one I actually possess. Yeah 6/23 makes me a regular James Bond. *shrug*

Change a flat tire. Had to learn real fast when I was about 22. I have done it once since then.
Carve a turkey. No, the opportunity never arose
Open a bottle of champagne. Yep.
Change the car oil. Someone suggested teaching me. I passed.
Can recommend a good barber. I'd recommend my barber. I'm not particular about my hair at all
Tie a bowline, clove hitch, and a square knot. I don't even know what those are.
Chop wood. Manual labor? Ack.
Shoot a rifle. Maybe someday.
Make a dry Martini. No experience on that one
Keep a checkbook balanced. I can do it if the need arises. I remember learning in 3rd grade.
BBQ. Not really. I let other people handle that.
Lay a fire. I would almost certainly screw this up.
Change a fuse. Aren't they obsolete now?
Polish shoes. Not really. I assume it's easy to learn.
Read and understand stock quotes. I'm completely lost when it comes to the financial world.
Keep score at a baseball game. Ugh. Why would I even be there?
Jump start a car. Haven't done that in a long time, but probably could.
Know how to throw a punch. I'll stick to the Buster Bluth fighting style.
Own a tux. Again, no. I don't even like wearing ties.
Know how to judge a new wine. If you mean guess it's alcohol content.
Do your own taxes at least once in your life? Back when I first joined the work force. Not that hard.
Know how to play poker. Not really. I played it off and on in middle school until the teachers shut it down. Prudes.
Carry a handkerchief. No. Kleenexes are ubiquitous anyway.

A mixture of updates

2008-09-11T09:10:00.002-04:00

That's my candidate

I was absolutely thrilled by Obama's speech at the end of the DNC. An amazing speech by the candidate is almost taken for granted these days, but he knocked this one out of the park, no question. By comparison, McCain's snooze-inducing send-off barely managed to get the convention-goers out of their seats until near the end. And Sarah Palin's cheap shot at community organizers? Pretty low, not to mention poorly thought-out. How many churches organize in communities? One criticism I do have of Obama is he practically promised us the moon (get us off foreign oil in 10 years? C'mon). Otherwise he portrayed a real vision of America that I'd be proud to be a part of.

Gaming

Final Fantasy Tactics A2 is out and it's as hopelessly addictive as its predecessors. It maintains the same engrossing gameplay, the same simple but pleasant visuals, and the same mix of races and classes. In fact, the game might as well be Tactics Advance with a fresh coat of paint and a few new jobs. For all the clammer for innovation in video games, the series seems to lose nothing by reworking the same formula.

Life

As I write this I'm waiting to board a flight to DC where I will be attending a conference for work. My boss has asked me to present on the project our team is working on. It presents a good opportunity for me to practice public speaking and represent our company. This will be my second trip to the nation's capital, so I'm taking a few days to sightsee after the conference is over. A lot of great bars and clubs in this city.

The summer is over. Can you believe it? I mean, it literally feels like it just began. Other than my trip to Disney World with MacBoy, I didn't get out much. Didn't even manage to squeeze in a random beach trip. Fall means colder temperatures, sweaters, jackets, and leaves changing color. North Carolina weather can never decide if it wants to be warm or cold until about February, reeking havoc on my skin. Cold weather causes my lips to become chapped. Warm weather makes me sweat. Any sudden shifts in temperature causes my skin breakout. Time to load up on sunscreen, acne ointment, and chapstick.

How could this happen to meeee....

2008-08-19T22:52:00.003-04:00

My Xbox 360 just displayed the Red Ring of Death, essentially rendering it useless. It's a real shame as I'd been enjoying Geometry Wars 2 and Braid (a great work of art) for the last two weeks and indulging in some ass-whupping in Soul Calibur IV since my birthday (thanks MacBoy!). It seems like I only blog about video games when I need to bitch about them*, but in truth I have a blast most of the time playing games, otherwise I'd find something better to do. And right now, when I have a legitimate gripe with Microsoft and the most unreliable console ever to be released, I find much of my anger directed at Nintendo.

A little background: I don't like Wii Sports. It's not my knee-jerk, pathological dislike for sports. Mario Tennis on the N64 made me a big hit in our suite sophomore year. The execution of Wii Sports is too simplistic for me to enjoy it. Every activity involves swinging the remote, and there are few, if any, tricks or techniques to be discovered. I like my games complex, with deft timing and/or stat tracking required for success. I also prefer colorful, exotic characters to those sterile, bobblehead-like Miis. I can see the appeal of Wii Sports, it's just not for me.

I'm firmly in the minority on that one. Wii Sports is mostly responsible for the Wii's overwelming success and old people, soccer moms, and all sorts of people who'd never pick up a controller love it. This leaves those of us who've been with the Big N through thick and thin in a tricky situation. The company doesn't quite need us like it used to. Wii Play and Wii Fit are flying off the shelves. The likes of Mario, Zelda, and Metroid just don't carry the weight they once did.

This is what made Nintendo's E3 conference so frustrating. After reading about the software displayed, I'm not even sure the company knows or cares their core audience still exists. The release schedule consisted almost entirely of the same blandly-designed titles that have been selling. The DS isn't faring much better. Square Enix has been carrying the system for the last 3 months. The only marginally interesting title at E3 was a remake of a 15 year old Kirby game. As it stands the Wii's remaining 2008 schedule does not interest me one bit.

*That's pretty much the reason I blog about anything.

Time Keeps on Slipping

2008-08-12T10:27:00.002-04:00

I turn 28 today. I could bitch about the inevitable march toward 30, but I'm enjoying life right now, so let's not. Besides, there'll be plenty of time for that when I'm 29.

You might notice that the title of the blog has changed. I thought this was necessary at this point in my life. I find the original title "...and then you die" (which follows "Life's a bitch") too pessimistic and cynical at a time where my life has improved considerably. "Fog of Life" sums up where I am now. Not sure what direction I want to take, not sure what direction I SHOULD take, not sure if there's a direction I should be taking. So the future seems like (you guessed it) a fog.

Now last year I attempted a list of 27 interesting facts about myself and gave up at 21 or so. This year, in the spirit of Marissa, Al and others, I've managed to come up with a list of 100 facts about me, some interesting and some not. I used the previous years' facts for the first 20 or so, but otherwise it's all new content and a revealing peak into who I am.

1. I grew up out in the country. The sticks, the boonies. The house I lived in had eight rooms but as many as eleven people lived there at one time. Needless to say, it was a bit crowded. There was quite a bit of woods outside for playing. The woods had a little trail with a small hill at the end. You could go down the hill in half a second and traversing the trail took all of 30 seconds, but I rode it countless times.
2. Within walking distance from my home I could reach my great-grandparents, grandparents, two uncles, and the place my dad sometimes lived. It was a lot of fun to have so many relatives you could reach in a short time. I'd bother them for apples growing in their tree, peanut butter-jelly sandwiches, and whatever else I could get.
3. Around thirteen I discovered Seinfeld, which went on to become something of an obssession for me. I think it was Jerry and Elaine's anti-social attitudes and the show's focus on the "excruciating minutaie of every single daily event" that drew me in.

4. I won the spelling bee at my school in sixth and eighth grade. We do not speak of seventh grade. (Note: The last sentence was supposed to be an attempt at deadpan humor, but several people thought it came off as bitter. I guess my efforts at being funny need some work.)
5. When I was in 12, my grandparents started a shop I worked at where we bought and sold used video games. This was very odd, since they generally disapproved of my gaming obssession. This was excellent for me though. I got to talk about video games all day and I could play the used games for fun.
6. My dad and I played chess off and on from when I was 13. One night I beat him.
7. My favorite teacher in high school was probably Ms. Strickland. She was the kind of straight-talker that made you think a teacher lived on the same planet to you. She taught art, which was my favorite subject, but had little, if anything, to do with why I liked her.
8. I originally went to NC A&T when I started college. The dorm I lived in had a loudspeaker for the RD to talk to everyone at once. It was so loud it’d completely drown out the TV. I transferred to NC State for my sophomore year.

9. After the first time I played the NES, pretty much every other toy in the world became nonexistent. I remember a passing interest in comic books, but when Christmas and birthdays rolled around video games ruled the day.
10. Among the physical activities I've attempted and suck at: basketball, baseball, football, tennis, bowling, pool, and volleyball. Still not attempted: gymnastics, fencing, curling, and racquetball.
11. I cannot swim. I even took a swimming class in college. Can. Not. Do. It. The key problem is that my toes don't point. My foot goes from a 90 degree angle with my leg to about 130 instead of the almost 180 everyone else's does. Consequently the only swimstroke I can do with any success is the breaststroke. It doesn't help that I sink like a rock. However, none of this stopped me from going cliffdiving.
12. At a pretty early age I decided I didn't like sports. However, that dislike didn't progress to full hatred until I learned I was the ONLY person in my house whose entire life didn't revolve around them. On top of that, just about anyone's desire to watch a sporting event could trump my game time. Oh and sports could overtake *gasp* church too! I'm not bitter about that at all. Nope.
13. Consequently, any so-called male role model could alienate me pretty easily by uttering the words "I used to be just like you" and then using the word "sports" in the next sentence. The juxtaposition repulsed me. In fact, I never really felt much of any connection with any male role models as a child. Their attitudes toward life and the interests they had never really fit with mine.
14. Some of my favorite times in early childhood were spent at my grandparents' house (dad's side of the family). We'd go all sorts of places together and eat out. Most importantly (and I can't emphasize this enough this time of year) their place had air conditioning.
15. When I was about 3 a mirror fell on me, cutting up my face. You can still see a scar on my upper lip. I have no memory of this event, which I’m told ocurred because I wouldn’t stay away from the mirror like I was told. My brother says there was blood all over my face.

16. I had my first drink when I was 19. It was at my friends’ birthday party. I believe there was Coors in the keg.
17. I didn’t get my license until I was about 20. Part of the reason was I didn’t want to pay for insurance and the other part was I wasn’t that good at driving.
18. I never went on a date in high school or college. Consequently people would sometimes ask me if I’m gay, my answer was always “No, I’m just pathetic”. No one ever found that as funny as I did.
19. In third grade I had to get glasses. I wore glasses until shortly after I turned 21, when I got contacts. The glasses my mother picked out had thick, brown rims. Incidentally, the next year Steve Urkel rose to popularity, so I was quite the hit with the ladies. Well, not really.
20. My first job was at Wal-Mart. Working at the job was probably the first time I became aware that I don’t smile much. As a cashier the management wants you to smile at customers, something so unnatural for me it was almost always forced.
21. At this point, I'd like to see as much of the world as possible. Get out of North Carolina and experience other parts of the country. After all I'm young (sorta), why not live it up a little while I can?
22. I still like cartoons.
23. I automatically lose respect for anyone who calls me "white" because of the way I talk or the things I like. The reaction is almost pathological.

24. No Doubt is my favorite rock band. I'm mostly indifferent to Gwen Stefani's solo stuff.
25. Virtually all non-Christian music was considered "bad" or "heathen" in my family growing up. This probably explains a lot about me.
26. The same can be said of any movie or TV show involving magic or mythical creatures.
27. I'm gay. Casts #18 from last year in a different light, doesn't it?
28. The date June 12 2005 was when I went on my first date with another guy, which I alluded to in this entry. To the friend who asked about that date, if you're reading this now you know!
29. June 12 2005 was also my first date period.
30. I'm not kidding.
31. Really.
32. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters.
33. They're all my half-brothers and half-sisters. Two half-brothers and a half-sister from my mom and one half-sister from my dad.
34. My Meyer-Briggs score is ISTJ.
35. Introverted - No question. My score said I'm strongly geared towards introversion. I go through my day with a minimum of human interaction.
36. Sensing - Only slightly geared towards this one, but I do tend to rely on scientific data and observed actions to make decisions over any intuition or the like. I probably dismiss abstract ideas too quickly.
37. Thinking - Given that I'm sometimes accused of being cold and logical, this makes sense. I do try to put myself in someone else's shoes, although that's not always as easy as it seems.
38. Judging - Not sure about this one. It seems to be defined to mean I prefer thinking to sensing when I relate to the outside world.
39. I was an incredible suck up right up to the age of 13 and maybe even beyond. I cringe when I think about it.
40. My family believed in spankings. It worked for me. I did everything in my power to avoid them.
41. I wear blue contacts now. I love them, but I feel a little guilty when people compliment my eyes.
42. Should gay marriage become legal (and in 20 or so years I expect it will be), I think I'll get married if I meet the right person.
43. I've been told I can dance ok. But I place absolute no faith in other people's assessment and I assume they're being nice.
44. I also think most people can't dance. Most people are either decent or terrible dancers with a very small percentage of good ones. To me dancing should be about having fun instead of impressing people.
45. I hate sports. I probably mentioned this before but it bears repeating. Hate. them.
46. I did enjoy watching some of the final set between Federer and Nadal though.
47. I haven't heard from my best friend of high school in a year and a half. I hope he's doing ok.
48. I'm losing my hair slowly but surely.
49. I used to hate getting my haircut and thought I'd be better off bald.
50. Now I think that line of thought was flawed, but if given a second chance, I'd only do the minimum to keep my hair neat.
51. I originally majored in art and design in college, but switched to computer science. I wonder sometimes if the job security of the latter was worth sacrificing the creativity of the former.
52. I have very few friends and only a few acquaintances.
53. I've never lost anyone I considered "close" to me. All the relatives that have died up to this point I didn't know very well.
54. If I had a "type" it would be slightly overweight, dark-haired or brown-haired white guys in their 30s.
55. I am not attracted to skinny guys. When I see one I think, "Where's the rest of you?"
56. I've never been in love.
57. I read an article in GQ once that essentially said "Never give unsolicited advice". I try to follow that rule but sometimes I think I hold my tongue too much.
58. I like kids. In small doses. It would be more accurate to say I like the sense of wonder and innocence in children, but not the obnoxious and messy part.
59. I've never left the US.
60. Scars from impetigo, contracted when I was little, caused spots to appear on my leg. Recently I've been using sunblock to reduce the appearance of those scars. I think it's working.
61. I also use sunblock on my face to prevent scarring from acne.
62. People say I was spoiled when I was about 5. The subsequent years after that pretty much undid any spoilage that occurred.
63. I used to take things quite literally. If you say you'll call back in fifteen minutes, at 15:01 I wondered what was going on. It's a difficult habit to break.
64. But people should call when they say they will.
65. I'm thinking about buying a house.
66. The finance world intimidates me. Mortgages, equity, refinancing, bonds, stocks, IRAs and mutual funds just seems hopelessly complicated.
67. I took my first flight when I was 11 to visit cousins in New Jersey.
68. Any issues I have with women can almost always be traced back to my mother. This is probably not uncommon, but it's something I need to work on.
69. I'm the textbook-example of the now-debunked theory that gay men have overbearing mothers and negligent fathers.
70. I hate losing contact with people, even just acquaintances. One of the great blessings of the Internet age is we can keep up with old friends through Myspace and Facebook.
71. I think I should be doing something great with my life. I envy people who work 9-5 every week and seem content. Keyword: seem.
72. I wonder if the idea that we should all have fun jobs doing fulfilling work is a false idea perpetuated by the "American dream".
73. A mispelling will make me ignore an otherwise decent online profile. (Yes, I use online dating sites)
74. It amazes me there are still people who don't know typing in all caps is an online faux pas.
75. I don't have anyone I'd consider my best friend, except possibly my brother. I feel best friends maintain contact, and hang out at least once in awhile.
76. According to my iPod, I've listened to "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse 49 times. I am still not sick of it.
77. I've had an urge to jump on a trampoline (something I've never done) for over a week now.
78. People who incessantly talk during movies is a major pet peeve of mine.
79. Overused catchphrases is another.
80. Also being asked a lot of questions, particularly ones where the answer is obvious.
81. I'm very self-conscious. During conversations I think "Am I talking too much? Am I boring them? Is my expression sending a different signal than I think?"
82. I occasionally make obscure references to Simpsons episodes, Star Wars, and other nerdy stuff. I try to do it in such a way that the conversation will continue normally for people who don't get it.
83. I don't like telling the same joke twice, even to different people.
84. I waver between being proud I'm in the best shape of my life and thinking about how I can shave off a few more pounds.
85. Anytime anyone talks about Tyler Perry movies I have to bite my tongue. I think his movies are terrible. Jason Whitlock covered some of the many, many problems with his work.
86. I have the same issue with Adam Sandler movies.
87. I've never been to a major concert. By "major" I mean a show that takes place in a large venue that holds 1000+ people.
88. I actually rarely, if ever, go out to see live music performances.
89. To me a car is a means to an end. As long as it gets me from point A to point B with a reasonable amount of comfort I don't see the point in getting a new one. Mileage, durability, and convenience are far more important to me than horsepower, style, rims, and anything else others are interested in.
90. I can be overly sensitive to teasing remarks.
91. I've been told I take stuff too seriously and overanalyze things. I think sometimes people say stuff that doesn't make sense and I call them on it.
92. A lot of times I type a comment for a blog and then decide to not post it because it doesn't add much to the discussion.
93. My mind is constantly thinking something, whether it's life, politics, or what I'm having for dinner.
94. If it weren't for alcohol, bars and clubs would be completely abhorrent to me.
95. There are a LOT of places that I wish it were appropriate drink alcohol at.
96. I don't like naps. They make me feel like I'm wasting the day. Plus I usually end up staying awake until 4 in the morning later that night.
97. Drinking caffeine after 5 can also cause me to stay awake late at night.
98.People who attempt to "bring me out of my shell" annoy me. I'm very content were I am, thank you very much.
99. When I listen to music, I picture images in my head that move in sync with the track.
100. Many times when I write a message over AIM I change how I want to phrase a sentence midway through typing it. Unfortunately I don't proofread closely and the message I send frequently has missing words or extra words where they don't belong.

That was then, this is now.

2008-07-28T09:22:00.002-04:00

My 10-year high school reunion has me thinking about how much our lives have changed. Popular culture has shifted a great deal, arguably moreso than the time between 1988 and 1998.
In 1998:

No one knew who Britney Spears or Paris Hilton were.
The Parent Trap delighted audiences. Lead actress Lindsay Lohan's future looked bright.
Titanic was still raking in cash.
DVD playback was cutting-edge technology.
Programming your VCR was the primary way to record a show.
Cell phones were increasing in popularity.
Text messaging was practically unheard of. Picture and video messaging seemed laughable.
No one knew what a "megapixel" was.
People were anticipating new Star Wars movies.
Mel Gibson had a positive public image.
So did Michael Richards.
Gay marriage and civil unions weren't legal anywhere.
MySpace was five years away. Facebook was six. Friendster was four.
eBay was a novelty online service.
The rest of the world didn't passionately hate the USA.
Lying about oral sex was considered an impeachable offense.
Let's be clear: lying about oral sex, not lying about a war, was and is impeachable. Really.
Gas was barely over $1. Almost sounds like a fairy tale doesn't it?
Blade was noteworthy as a comic book film that didn't suck.

In 2008:

Reality television has taken over the airwaves.
Sitcoms are virtually non-existent.
You can't enjoy a 1.50 movie without some dumbfuck answering his phone during the film.
Celebrity gossip qualifies as news.
Mainstream rap music is utter crap.
DVR records shows for you. Parents still need their children to program it.
Gays can get married in two states and civilly united* in four.
Picture messaging means you can send pics of your junk all over the world in seconds.
Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are known for their dysfunctionality more than their film/music "talent".
People know who Paris Hilton is. Nobody cares though.
Batman: The Dark Knight is noteworthy as the best comic book film ever. Films based on comic books, once a rarity, litter the summer movie season.

*I like the term "civilly united". Makes the couple sound like Transformers.

Hypothetical Scenario

2008-07-10T23:21:00.003-04:00

(I should inform other gamers that this entry contains major spoilers for the Playstation 3 game, Metal Gear Solid 4.)

Let's say you're an exceptional computer hacker. You're playing a supporting role in a covert operation to prevent a megalomaniacal Russian man from achieving world domination. Stick with me here. During the course of your operation you cross paths with a beautiful young doctor who seems very nonchalant about the amount of cleavage she shows off while discussing complex medical data. She joins up with your team, bringing aboard critical information about that crazy Russian's intentions. Before long you two discover a mutual attraction and after an agonizing six hours you express that attraction sexually on the cold floor of a helicopter. Surely this is a romance for the ages.

Well maybe not. The next day she royally screws you and your team over. She defects back to the crazy Russian and his renegades, taking data stolen from you. This happens at the worst possible moment as your partner in covert ops very nearly dies and her psychotic master slaughters dozens of army personnel to demonstrate his power. After your partner inexplicably survives the massacre and returns to base, you make your next move, hoping to prevent the now-imminent rise of a world dictatorship. It's at this new location you, the expert hacker, see the treacherous doctor again and not only is she still in cahoots with the whacked out Russian, she has a new man. Your team members fight her new, buff boyfriend and kill him.

In one last act of drama-queen attention-whoring, the doctor commits suicide with a deadly injection. She looks longingly in your eyes as she slowly dies. Now as some poor loser manipulated and used by her intelligence and beauty, what do you do? If you said kick her in your ribs, you're wrong. You bawl your fucking eyes out like a punk. After all you feel an intense connection with this woman whom you met and shared some awkward and painful dialogue with a few days ago before bumping uglies. The fact she nearly killed your partner and put your whole operation at risk is irrelevant.

This scenario plays out in Metal Gear Solid 4 in one of the most painfully bad cinema scenes ever coded. Before I continue bitching about a major game release like last time, let me just say the game is absolutely fantastic. The sneaking portions are exhilarating and fun with plenty of ways to avoid detection. The action sequences are wild, ambitious, and exciting. The boss battles live up to the series' usual high standards. On top of that, the game manages to wrap up the series' complex storyline, leaving few, if any, mysteries unsolved. Some have suggested that a grandiose release like this make a strong argument for video games as an art form. Ummm no. I mean, I'll agree you can argue Metal Gear Solid 4 is art as long as "art" is preceded by "not very good".

The dialogue in the game is an exercise in torture. It makes waterboarding seem pleasant. It makes Michael Bay look like Michael Gondry. It's overwrought, forced, and cliche. The camera tricks in the cinema scenes use tired techniques overused in Japanese anime as well as American films. Zoomed out shots while someone cries over a dead body. Slow motion while the hero escapes a collapsing building. An outstretched hand and ham-handed last words as someone breathes their last breath.

Here's the offending cinema scene. The computer hacker in question is Otacon while the beautiful young doctor is Naomi Hunter. It's worth noting that Naomi later redeems herself on many levels (leading to another ridiculous bout of crying from Otacon) but at this point she's a traitor to the player and all the good guys.

The most annoying part of this whole scene is there is no reason for Otacon to be as emotionally involved as he is. And his voice actor is pretty horrible. Ugh.

Ultimately, Metal Gear Solid 4 falls short of being an asset in the "games as art" discussion. It should take a look ICO, Shadow of the Colossus, Bioshock, and maybe even The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker as good ways to make emotionally resonant games without beating the viewer over the head with lengthy cutscenes and melodrama.

Progress

2008-07-03T14:40:00.004-04:00

Sessions with Vic (my personal trainer) have been going well. We've developed a rapport that works well enough: he makes me do painful, demanding stretches and exercises while I curse him in my head. Especially when we're using the squat bar. I hate the #$%^ing squat bar. As far as I'm concerned the inventor of the squat bar can take it and place it in regions of his/her body I'd rather not think about.

As much as I revel in the torture I endure 3-4 times a week, it'd be pointless if there hasn't been any change. Sure friends and family had noticed a difference, but I prefer measurable benchmarks and statistics. That way I can compare measurements over time and adjust accordingly. When I began back in March, the statistics were as follows:

Body-fat percentage: 21.1%
Weight: 193 lbs

Not bad. To get the body-fat percentage, Vic had me hold some device that resembles an Xbox controller. I find it baffling that holding something in your hands can tell you anything meaningful about your body, but whatever. Fast-forward to a few days ago. Vic uses calipers this time for accuracy. His first measurement for body fat: 14.6%. That'd be exciting if it weren't so absurdly preposterous. At that level my body type is classified as "athletic", and looking in the mirror this morning, that description DOES NOT fit. He remeasured and came up with 15.3%. Meanwhile the controller thingy (its technical name) says 21.1% again while the gym scale says 186.6 pounds. My scale at home has consistently said 184-187 lbs for the last few months. So to recap:

March
BF% (device): 21.1%
Weight (gym): 193 lbs
Weight (home): 185 lbs

Today
BF% (calipers): 14.6-15.3%
BF% (device): 21.1%
Weight (gym): 186.6 lbs
Weight (home): 185 lbs

Results: Inconclusive. The calipers have a 2-3% margin of error and Vic says he's seen the device be off by as much as 12% (WTF?). Obviously gains have been made. Another measurement in a month or two will be more helpful.

Obssession might not be a strong enough word

2008-06-12T16:05:00.002-04:00

Metal Gear Solid 4 comes out today. Metal Gear is one of those gaming franchises that people buy systems just to keep up with like Halo, Zelda, Mario and Grand Theft Auto. When you think about it, it's quite insane. Fanatical devotion to one piece of entertainment so strong to be willing to spend $400+ to buy the equipment necessary to experience it. Yet this segment of the gaming community exists and has for some time. Sadly, I belong among this group. I'm a big fan of the series and plan to drop the cash for a PS3 and the game later today. Well I would be except for one factor:

I'm running out of room.

My game room has the following:

Two PS2 Guitar Hero controllers
One Xbox 360 Guitar Hero controller
One Xbox 360 Rock Band Guitar
Donkey Kong Bongos
Two metal DDR dance pads
A Rock Band drum set
PS2
Xbox
Xbox 360
Wii
Dreamcast
Surround sound receiver + speakers
32 inch TV
Overflowing video game/DVD rack

This is all in a 10 x 13 room. On top of that I'm pretty much out of inputs for my television which has a paltry two component inputs and a now-obsolete DVI port. I write all of this to say that now might be a good time to upgrade my setup and sell off my unused game stuff. Or possibly move into my own place to store this stuff. Or be institutionalized.

Spin THIS off.

2008-06-10T15:53:00.002-04:00

I regarded the announcement of Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII with indifference. Final Fantasy spinoffs rarely manage to go above the level of a quick cash-in. See the abysmal Dirge of Cerebus. Or the overrated Final Fantasy X-2. But my interest piqued when good reviews for Crisis Core started rolling in. So I picked up the game and borrowed my roommate's PSP hoping for a good time. I should've saved my cash. Crisis Core, quite frankly, sucks.

For those that don't know (SPOILER ALERT!!), the game follows Zack, a minor character from the original Final Fantasy VII who befriended Cloud (the hero of FFVII) during his early years. In that game, a flashback reveals Zack suffered an untimely death at the hands of Sephiroth, which sets the tone for this new game. You control Zack the entire game, following his journey as high-level soldier. Which brings me to the first problem:

Zack is boring

As a character, Zack is completely and utterly uninspiring. His personality consists of being friendly, a little brash, and... that's about it. He's basically an older version of Sora. He has no sense of agency in the story and watches as his friends and mentors betray each other until it's his turn to face the music. It's like the characters in Cloverfield or War of the Worlds who have no idea what's going on, trying to find their own way as the world falls apart around them, only to die. That his spiky-haired design hasn't aged well doesn't help matters. Can't Square Enix give a main character a short haircut for once?

When Zack eventually meets Cloud, their friendship is weak and hollow. The two become friends because they're around each other quite a bit towards the end of the adventure, but Cloud has even less personality than Zack so it's difficult to see any sort of bond between the two. He's just some wimpy kid. But RPGs are more than stories and characters right? Battles are the real meat of the game. Unfortunately

The battle system isn't fun

The pseudo-real-time battle system doesn't work very well. To swing the sword you mash a button and then Zack runs over and attacks. There are slight delays between each subsequent swing, so consecutive attacks look awkward instead of fluid. Why not let us navigate Zack around ourselves and perform swings instantly?

The game slaps on top of this basic framework the Digital Mind Wave system. This poorly-explained system unleashes special attacks and status bonuses based on Zach's current emotions. Or something. It determines what happens based on a slot machine that runs constantly. The DMW can interrupt a battle, taking up the entire screen, flashing seemingly random pictures and videos at the player, until the slot machine stops. This can take upwards of 30 seconds and occur multiple times in a single fight. If it sounds confusing, it's because it is. I had to find a message board to explain what's happening (the manual and in-game tutorials were worthless) and even then it didn't make a lot of sense. The novelty of this wacky system wears down pretty quickly.

All the bells and whistles could pay off if the game put up a decent challenge that forced you to make the most of this system. It doesn't. I hacked my way through the majority of the battles, occasionally casting a spell to heal or mix things up. The only reasonable challenge is the final boss, who fell pretty quickly once I took an hour or so to grind. This leaves me with the most painful part of Crisis Core:

Genesis

The central villain of Crisis Core dragged the experience down with his endless recitations of lines from a play and horrible voice acting. The way these lines function as a metaphor for the game's storyline would be clever... if I were 12. And even then it'd be a stretch. When he isn't making Mariah Carey look like Meryl Streep, he tossing out crap like "We are all monsters", trying to sound dark and mysterious when he's really just an emo douche. He's no Sephiroth. He's not even a Seymour. Just watch this insufferable pissant, move to 2:00 to feel the pain:

So I'm done with Final Fantasy spin-offs. Until Final Fantasy Tactics A2. And I play Final Fantasy XII: Revenant Wings. Or maybe I'm just a sucker.

Meme time

2008-05-26T20:43:00.003-04:00

What were you doing five years ago?
Working with a temp company remodeling a Sears. I was at my poorest and brokest that summer since high school. I also got down to my lowest weight ever, 168 pounds. The job itself was as good as any job with lots of physical labor in hot summer weather could be. In other words it sucked.

What are five things on your to-do list for today (not in any particular order) 
Hmmm, the day is practically over, so I'll give five things I did today
1. Meet with the personal trainer
2. Drive home for Memorial Day cookout
3. Show 10 year old cousin how to play Mario Kart
4. Explain to the aforementioned cousin that driving into walls is counter-productive
5. Drive back to Cary.

What are five snacks you enjoy?
Trail mix
Twix
Cookies
Golden delicious apples
Oatmeal Creme pies

What five things would you do if you were a billionaire?
Pay off my debt
Get the best health insurance available for all my family
Buy a new house and hire someone to decorate it
Start a new software development company
Two chicks at the same time (not really, just an obligatory Office Space reference)

What are five of your bad habits? 
Not making eye contact with people
Browsing blogs at work
Eating fatty stuff
Exhibiting poor posture
Zoning out

What are five places where you have lived?
Johnsonville, NC - Rural area which is great if you want to be bored 24/7
NC A&T University - My first year of college was at NC A&T. The college was ok, but the dorm I lived in (Scott Hall B) was horrible. The administrator used an intercom to talk to the whole dorm. This thing was so loud it'd drown out the television. Imagine having entire movie scenes becoming unintelligible because some jackass is reviewing administrative crap over a loudspeaker.
NC State University
Durham
Cary - Containment Area for Relocated Yankees

What are five jobs you have had?
Cashier at Wal-Mart (sorry, at the time I was only 16 and all Wal-Mart wasn't considered evil back then)
Electronic Salesman (another retail job... I want to say it sucked, but eh)
Temp Worker (I was basically the agency's bitch and took whatever they offered)
Software Engineer (my current job)
Tester (Did this at two different coops, got me a lot of experience)

2008-05-15T19:08:00.002-04:00

Anaheim was a blast, at least the latter half of it. The first half was spent attending a conference near our hotel. In my infinite wisdom I only packed polos and jeans for a professional work conference. Let it never be said a college degree implies common sense. On top of that my clippers weren't working right (something about the hotel outlet) so I couldn't shave. Basically the first day of the conference I looked like a homeless man. Afterwards we tracked down a mall for clothes and a barber for a beard trimming and I fit in quite a bit more. It's all a learning process.

After the conference, the CW wanted to do a little sightseeing so we drove up to the City of Angels, where people drive like a bat out of hell. Having driven on I-40 many, many times I thought I'd seen it all, but nothing prepares you for the chaos of LA highways. No matter where we went, someone drove at least 20 miles over the speed limit, bobbing and weaving through traffic. You might be tempted to think these are rich, Hollywood-producer jackasses or unscrupulous paparazzi on their way to snap a shot of Britney/Paris/Lindsey having a taco, but these were regular people in vehicles that were on the rode during the Carter Administration. I'm grateful the CW drove the whole time, even if it did take a few years off his life.

Driving around LA, we realized we didn't bother to look up any information on landmarks. We eventually found the Hollywood Walk of Fame and began taking pictures as per our obligation as tourists. Some noteworthy people are missing on that sidewalk. For instance, none of the following people have a star there: Brad Pitt, Denzel Washington, Julia Roberts, or the entire casts of Seinfeld or Friends. Then I found this atrocity:

I mean really. The guy isn't talented enough to have a urinal cake named after him, much less a block of cement in Hollywood. Like so many things in that town, the Walk of Fame's credibility has fallen. I'm assuming anything in LA had credibility in first place.

Afterwards my friend Sean drove up from San Diego and we went to Disneyland. Both the California Adventure and regular Disney theme parks are a lot of fun, but, as I've been told before, the rides are more about "the experience" than actual thrills and a sense of danger. So it leaves the rides feeling a little, well, dull. The Pirates of the Carribean and Haunted Mansion rides were especially disappointing in this sense. Even the popular Indiana Jones ride was pretty ho-hum. However all of these rides did an excellent job with visual effects, animatronics, and scenery. The Twilight Zone ride struck the right balance, featuring some impressive, staggering visual effects and fun, exciting drops in its elevator. When I was eight years old I would've been terrified on the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, but loved the others.

Then Sean and I went to a few bars on Santa Monica Blvd. First up was Eleven, a trendy nightspot packed to the hilt with the kind of ripped bodies and designer clothing you'd expect in a LA bar. It even featured a go-go dancer, whose specialty seemed to be "going" more than "dancing". The dude's dancing was more equivalent to spazzing out than anything rhythmic. And after maybe 20 minutes he was gone.

*I was going to abbreviate to "W", but that evokes thoughts of the Chimp-in-Chief.

Where did the time go?

2008-04-17T23:20:00.001-04:00

Folks from my high school are planning our ten-year reunion. The milestone sounds unreal. It feels like just yesterday we were all getting our diplomas. On the other hand, there's a large list of setbacks and accomplishments I've experienced in that time frame. The juxtaposition of these two ideas feels contradictory, yet fitting. Looking over my classmates' facebook and myspace profiles, some haven't aged a day while others I don't even recognize. I wonder what impression I'll make on them without the thick glasses, slouching posture, and severe awkwardness. Am I where they thought I'd be?

My memories in high school aren't particularly scarring or nostalgic. I recall having a few friends who shared both my gaming obssession and off-beat sense of humor, two things that definitely haven't changed over the years. There were ups and downs at school (and home), arguments, a few dickhead bullies and the aforementioned social awkwardness, but I can't really say it was bad. I wouldn't want to relive that time, because having no car and no money while sharing an already-small room with someone else and therefore having little-to-no privacy ain't fun. And being a dorky black kid pretty much concludes ever fitting into any sort of clique, except the dorky kids. Hmmm, maybe it's worse than I remember.

One nice thing about a high school reunion is it gives you a way to reconnect with people you don't keep up with anymore. After high school if you lose contact with someone there's no easy way to do that. Facebook and MySpace are useful for that, although both sites became popular only recently. Even so, people can delete or neglect their profiles on those sites, just like they can skip a high school reunion. Sometimes I wonder about those whose paths intersect with mine briefly and then we go our separate ways. Did they succeed? Fail? Marry? Divorce? Would their lives make an interesting movie?

These are things that spring to mind as I get older. At some point over the last ten years I became adult without realizing it. Now my mind thinks about the economy, politics, saving for retirement, and health insurance. I used to be some kid waiting for summer blockbusters and major video game releases. Now I do that and pay bills.

Pimples, Disney, justice, etc

2008-04-02T20:50:00.005-04:00

An update on goings-on in my life.

The other day I was thinking about the US justice system and how those with money can usually skirt harsh punishment. When I tried to imagine a world where sentencing for crimes were handed down fairly and evenly, my head couldn't comprehend the idea. It almost seemed wrong to me. What the hell? Had my cynicism somehow looped upon itself until the reality seemed more 'right' than the ideal? I've read too many stories of injustice to lay back and accept business as usual. Maybe it was my realistic side overruling my idealistic side. Who knows. Further investigation is needed.

There should be a cut off age for acne. This shit is ridiculous for 27. And fluorescent lights are the devil.

My job is sending me to a conference in Anaheim, CA at the end of the month, which is great since I've been bouncing around the Raleigh-Durham area for the last six months without visiting anywhere new. Even better, the hotel is literally a block away from Disneyland, so some friends are going to show me around the park and the surrounding area. Definitely going to be a great time.

A mere month after that excursion I'm going to Disney World with a friend. Let's call him MacBoy. We planned out the trip last night, by navigating the website and checking out the schedule. This will be my first visit, but MacBoy's fourth, so he led me through all the necessary steps. From the luggage pickup, monorail access, airport transportation, flexible park visitation, and the all-encompassing pass complete with fingerprint verification, I was left in shock at the high bar Disney sets for their guests. And as MacBoy went over the many perks and amenities we'd enjoy the park began to sound so inviting it became creepy. Like in Big Fish when Ewan MacGregor goes to that perfect small town where the residents are incredibly nice, but they won't let him leave. I'm going to be Disney-ed out by the time all that's over.

Sticking to a diet isn't hard, but it sure isn't fun. This is doubly true when you're abstaining from drinking.

I've been enjoying the hell out of the Super Smash Bros. Brawl soundtrack. Nintendo not only included an absurd number of remixes of classic games (Dr. Mario and Tetris tracks? Yes please) on the disc, they commissioned an incredible number of composers to handle the task. It's a nerd's wet dream and a heavy dose of nostalgia.

Black Evil Television

2008-03-26T16:17:00.001-04:00

I've only seen 10 or so episodes of Boondocks and find their humor hit-or-miss, but they knocked it out of the park with these two banned episodes lampooning BET. Many black people are waking up to see BET for the insulting trash that it is, so McGruder's hilarious depiction of its execs (particularly Debra Lee) is right on the money. Enjoy them while they're still available.

No pain, no gain.

2008-03-17T18:28:00.002-04:00

Whoa it's been almost exactly a month since my last post. My apologies.

So after many months of getting absolutely nowhere at the gym, I decided to get a personal trainer. If nothing else, I'd learn to exercise more effectively and efficiently and it would give me some motivation to get my eating on track. Our first meeting would be a general discovery session so he could assess my overall body composition. To say he found problems would be like saying explorers found sand in the Sahara. During stretching he discovered that I'm not very flexible, which I already knew. I can't even sit cross-legged for Pete's sake. It also seems I shrug my shoulders a lot, often involuntarily. And I have been performing push-ups all wrong for years, putting my hands too far apart and one in front of the other. At the end of the session, my trainer said my body was a "trainwreck". I think he might have a second career delivering bad news to cancer patients.

My trainer stressed posture as my most glaring problem. He described the misshapen, wart-riddled old men who suffered due to years of bad posture, confined to either playing organs in basements or, at best, managing Republican presidential campaigns. I was a little take aback to hear it myself. In all the years the media warned us about smoking, heart disease, prostate cancer, testicular cancer, staying active, eating stuff with too many preservatives, high blood pressure, diabetes, having too many eggs, SARS, the bird flu, mad cow disease, mercury in fish, depression, and flesh-eating bacteria, you'd think they would've squeezed a peep about posture in there. The problem is there's no way to sell a product based around posture. At least not an exciting one ("Realign your spine with a few thousand hours of discomfort!").

Between my horrid posture and poor form when exercising, our sessions feel more like basic training. The trainer barks out a stream of commands to correct my blunders. I’ve completely given into this mentality, responding to almost all his feedback with “ok” and “sorry”, instead of “my legs are about to give out”. Throw “sir” at the end of my sentences and “maggot” at the end of his and the transformation will be complete.

Here's the thing about exercising: you can do the same exercise umpteen zillion times and still do it wrong. It seems I've been doing that all along. And doing an exercise correctly is difficult. Other things I've learned in these sessions:
*Put any weight on my arms and they become very wobbly.
*You can dry hump a pole and work your glutes at the same time.
*You can dry hump the air and work your quads at the same time.
*You can be sweating so hard that sweat goes flying in all directions when you talk and your PT will still push you for one more rep.
*My PT knows a little jujitsu.
*I don't trust my PT to not let me bust my head open while he demonstrates a foot sweep.
*Turning my right heel out can take any awkward position from "manageable" to "horribly unstable".
*Sitting like the fella below hurts like hell.

My next session is tomorrow. Maybe I can score some Vicodin before then.

You are being watched

2008-02-18T21:09:00.003-05:00

That's my house in that picture. Well it's not my house, my roommate owns the place. I pay rent to him, so you can call it my home, as I have a legal right to live there. That oil spot you see on the right is from my car. I should I get that fixed. But I digress.

That picture came from Google. My home is viewable via the Street View function and if you live in a major city, chances are yours is too. The feature is pretty robust, you can turn the view and see buildings from a variety of angles. You basically have a three-dimensional view of the entire street. For the three of you interested, you can see the street pic for Monk's Cafe here and a view of Seinfeld's would-be apartment here.

Anyone else a little creeped out by Street View? Google hasn't violated any privacy laws by taking these pictures, but then again I doubt lawmakers ever foresaw a corporation having a visual record of every street in America, Google's eventual goal. Already the service has raised some issues with photos showing people exiting adult bookstores and other seedy establishments. A friend suggested even the mere presence of an unrecognized car in a driveway can land someone in deep trouble with their significant other.

I know, I know. "If you have nothing to hide, what are you worried about?" Not much, I suppose, but I can't help but raise an eyebrow. If they can use what you can see from the street, why not what you hear? They can record loud coughs, domestic disputes, and raucous parties. Fifty years from now, Google will record your thoughts the moment you step on a sidewalk. Ultra high-res photos will analyze the effects of UV radiation on your skin. Weight sensors will detect your body-fat percentage. All of this will be recorded into a database searchable by paying customers who will send you emails about sunblock, antihistamines, counseling, beer specials, diet plans, and fast food.

Paranoid? Maybe a little. But not that much. Now where's my tinfoil hat?

Time Extended

2008-02-10T17:25:00.000-05:00

I've been following the primaries pretty closely, mostly because almost every blog I read has been following it as well. The Democratic side has been incredibly exciting and it looks like it will be going much longer than anyone anticipated. Meanwhile the Republicans have been mildly entertaining as the Sectarian Right don't have a viable God-fearing, homo-hating dickwad to latch onto. Instead it looks like they're stuck with McCain, who's probably the least objectionable Republican candidate for me, but not nearly divisive enough for the GOP base.

A lot has been written about Hillary and Obama. People seem to marvel about the prospect of electing a female or black man president and simultaneously complain when the media refers to them as the "female" or "black" candidate. Many exit polls show blacks voting along racial lines with 80 percent casting their vote for Barack. However, to merely look at this statistic is oversimplifying things. 1 out of 5 black voters aren't voting for the "black" candidate. And Al Sharpton ran in 2004 and didn't fare nearly as well. Obama clearly represents a lot of things to people -- change, progress, growth, reform. The diversity seen in his audiences reflects his broad appeal.

I'm not going to lie, I support Obama and his race is part of the reason why. His breakthrough performance in Iowa and his stirring speech following his victory represented a shift in the political landscape in this country. All the ridiculous talk about "black authenticity" died out, polls lost their credibility, and suddenly the Democratic race was wide open. Barack's staggering win in four primaries yesterday proves his momentum isn't dying anytime soon.

Don't get me wrong. Hillary Clinton consistently impresses me in debates and interviews. She's clearly knowledgeable about the many issues facing this country and she maintains poise under tough scrutiny. But her campaign pulled some race-baiting tactics that I thought we wouldn't see until the GOP attack machine started up. And part of me dislikes the idea of "Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton" presidential legacies. A trivial reason not to vote for her? Maybe. But increasingly the Clintons represent "the establishment" in my mind, especially when I consider how superdelegates might be a trump card for Hillary securing the nomination.

So I continue to watch the campaigns with great interest. This 2008 election is one that will be long remembered.

Requiem for a Dream - The Book

2008-01-31T22:38:00.000-05:00

Requiem for a Dream has earned a special place in my movie collection. I recite it's most memorable lines, the musical score is on my iPod, and it's probably the most rewatchable movie I've seen since Pulp Fiction. Wanting to explore the characters even more, I decided to pick up the novel. It's a great read, although somewhat offputting. Author Hubert Selby places all dialogue in the middle of the paragraph or sentence without any quotations marks or any precise indication who is saying what. It can make conversations difficult to follow. Take this passage:

Harry locked his mother in the closet. Harold. Please. Not again the TV. Okay, okay, Harry opened the door, then stop playing games with my head. He started walking across the room toward the television set. And dont bug me. He yanked the plug out of the socket and disconnected the rabbit ears.

That's the first few sentences, where Harry argues with Sara, his mother. Eventually you get used to it, but there are still sections where you're not exactly who is talking, particularly when both characters don't speak with a dialect.

Comparing the film to the book reflects the differences between each medium. (WARNING: The rest of this post contains spoilers for both the movie and book) Obviously the book allows for slower character development. The highs reached by Sara, Marion, Harry, and Tyrone last much longer and their descent goes much deeper. Twisted as it may sound, I found myself bored with the "happy" times and began looking for signs things were falling apart. Marion, Harry, and Tyrone express disgust at the site of other, downtrodden addicts, telling themselves they'll never be like them and denying they're even addicts in the first place. This trend lasts right up to the end of the novel when their addiction has blinded them to the chaos in their lives.

Mistreatment by the system is a common thread throughout the book and movie. Sara's needs as a patient are ignored first by her regular doctor and then neglected by the politics of the staff at the hospital. Tyrone faces a harsh sentence due to the racist legal system of the South. Harry also deals with this due to his association with Tyrone and receives subpar medical treatment. Additionally, Marion's wasted beauty and intelligence is lamented by the men she encounters, even as they continue to take advantage of her.

The film adds and expands parts of the story. For instance, the generic infomercial/game show seen in the movie and it's "juice" chant aren't featured in the book. The heartbreaking phone call between Harry and Marion towards the end of the film is also not in the book. Interestingly, the final line of the book centers on Tyrone's memories of his mother, not Sara's dreams of appearing on television. The trademark expanded pupils and flooded blood vessels seen in the movies can only be described in the book. In some ways the descriptions provide a better window into their experience as the chemicals enter their bodies, but the camera tricks in the film convey the immediate rush better. Plus it looks cool.

In a column, Director Darren Aronofsky declared addiction to be the hero of the book and the movie, which bothers me. For one thing, "addiction" isn't a person or group of people. I don't know of anyone who roots for addiction. Secondly, addiction wrecks the lives of otherwise (sort of) good people. How can it be the hero when the audience watches it drive people to such horrible ends? And why does the film need a protagonist/hero in the first place? Is that a necessary component to storytelling?

END SPOILERS

So which is better? I think it's pretty even. I like the book for its slower, detailed exploration of the characters. I like the film for the excellent performances, haunting music, and great cinematography. Both are highly recommended. They're not exactly uplifting works of art, so you might want to go play with a puppy or something afterwards.

clears throat

2008-01-15T14:32:00.000-05:00

A cold last week had me running at half steam for a few days. Much Dayquil was consumed until I ran out of that after which much Nyquil was consumed. Wednesday night I went to sleep at 9:45 (about two hours earlier than normal) with a dosage of Nyquil and woke up in the same condition Thursday morning. I worked from home and countered some Nyquil with a latte. Worked better than I expected, I didn't pass out and I was feeling better by noon.

When I was a kid my mom swore by Alkaseltzer, which tasted so horrid I'd almost rather remain sick. In fact, I frequently felt sicker while injesting the bitter elixir formed from water and dissolved kidney stones. Did it make a difference? I honestly don't remember. Sickness is like an altered state of being during which I can only vaguely recall being well and after which it feels like waking from a hazy dream. But I can remember the taste of Alkaseltzer and my mother's stern face as she made me finish the whole cup. Bleh.

But I'm better now. Well, my eyes are still itchy. And I seem to be coughing up phlegm just enough to make gross noises, but not enough to expel it from my body. The coughing becomes more pronounced around other people. I guess even viruses react to social anxiety. And my ears are popping. Well not so much popping as making a weird liquidy noise when I swallow. It's sort of like the sound of a CD skipping being distorted. I dunno.

But I'm here.

Stupidity in 2007

2008-01-01T19:03:00.000-05:00

Sometimes there's so much stupid in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my brain's going to implode. It's like there's a malicious force that wants me to know there's no use in trying, ever. And then I remember to relax, laugh at it and let it infect me with its brain-cell-killing power and I can't feel anything but disillusionment with my meaningless existence.

As anyone who follows our educational standards, political discourse, or television programs knows, rank stupidity runs rampant throughout America. The average slack-jawed idiot isn't particularly noteworthy, so I'm going to focus my attention on public figures who should really know better or at least have people advising them who do.

To start things off, let's revisit Miss South Carolina giving one of the most jumbled, incoherent speeches in history. Someday statistics will show a surge in aneurysms on that day. Was she even thinking or just reciting platitudes to sound interesting? Kellie Pickler further perpetuated the stereotype of the dumb blonde on Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader? when she asked Jeff Foxworthy if Europe is a country (like he knows). However, word has it that it's all an act that Kellie puts on for laughs.

Kellie's efforts weren't necessary as Paris Hilton, the public's favorite and most deserving punching bag, handled things quite nicely. The simple-minded Simple Life star completed a trifecta of idiocy by driving 70 mph in a 35 mph zone WITH her headlights off after dark AND a suspended license. She articulated her remorse to the judge with the statement "I'm sorry and I did not do it on purpose at all". Brilliant. The heiress was sentenced to 45 23 days in the slammer, was hilariously mocked in a Letterman interview, and even had her inheritance severely reduced.

Michael Vick even topped the ditzy bimbo's blunders when his dogfighting ring was busted up. Vick's money might've allowed him to evade a prison sentence with local and state judges. Unfortunately, his organization crossed state lines, meaning the federal investigators were involved. Combine the big ole gubment with fanatical animal rights activists and there was no way ~~Ron Mexico~~ Mr. Vick was escaping this one unscathed.

However, the award for mishandling the legal system must go to Senator Larry Craig. After being arrested for soliciting sex in a men's bathroom (ummm, eww), the toe-tapper pled guilty and then tried to retract it on the grounds that he didn't understand what he was doing (or some other bullcrap). I mean, c'mon. Then he expects the public to believe he isn't gay despite his plea and a rather suspicious scandal back in 1982 and a creepy statement he made about Clinton's womanizing.

But Senator Craig must be stopped as the Pope sees him and other gays as a threat to world peace. Never mind all the religious turmoil, corporate greed, and brutal atrocities occurring worldwide, dem queers are the problem! At least the Pope is aware of the gay's existence, apparently the president of Iran believes there are none in his country, even while his government is killing them in secret.

Stupidity saturated politics this year, although that's nothing new. The chimp-in-chief asserted that "Childrens do learn". Pat Robertson endorsed Giuliani even though Giuliani's pro-choice stance and record on gay rights directly contradicts the values he claims to stand for. On a related note, Giuliani leads GOP polls, a sad statement about the American public if there ever was one. With dubious fellows like Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney on the GOP side and increasingly heated competition between Clinton and Obama, the 2008 election will provide plenty of fodder.

Wrapping things up, I'd be remiss to overlook Sherri Shepard's uncertainty about the world's roundness and laughable assertion that nothing predates Christians. Isaiah Washington royally screwed himself when he brought back up the f-word incident at the Golden Globes. Oh yeah some douchebag with a low threshold of pain had his wisdom teeth removed with local anesthetic.

Happy New Year!

Open Letter to the People at My Gym

2007-12-07T13:45:00.000-05:00

Hey guys, it's me. To most of you I'm probably "that guy". The black guy with the headphones and the smelly pink towel (it was red when I bought it dammit!). I going to buy more towels someday, I swear. My experiences at this gym have been satisfactory so far. A treadmill is always available, the wait for other machines is tolerable, and all the equipment is clean. Every day I come in and I recognize many faces. Some of them are a lot thinner than a few months ago. Others are employees who have memorized my membership number. All of you excellent individuals have one thing in common: I don't know your names.

I'm not there for conversation. I rely on my iPod and my serious-by-default facial expression to avoid distractions like human interaction. Brief questions like "How many sets do you have left?" and "Are you using that bench?" are more than adequate for communication. It would really be nice if we had some sort of system of grunts and hand signals, but what can you do. Anyway, this has all worked out well for me. I run, sweat, drink, lift, bend, and stretch for about an hour and stave off pudginess for another day. However this delicate system came crashing down yesterday when an Asian woman made the egregious mistake of speaking to me. She felt the mental mind of the man who took hostages at Hillary Clinton was worth discussing, even over the volume of my headphones.

This is completely and utterly unacceptable. I have taken extreme steps to avoid eye contact with virtually every patron of this establishment, it would be nice if I remained as invisible to them as they (essentially) are to me. I'm sure this toned woman who accosted me is nice enough and might even be somehow attracted to me, but I have things to do. Moreover, I've constructed elaborate backstories for these other people and this gym would be a lot less interesting if I learned that 40-something guy in the white tee wasn't secretly a furry and the slightly overweight woman in a turquoise tank top wasn't the only surviving one of a set of triplets that travelled with the circus.

So please leave me to my own devices. I need to get home and play Street Biomass Puzzle Quest: The Halo Galaxy Crysis Limited Edition. You don't need to pull me out of my shell. And for Pete's sake, can't you see how sweaty I am?

Top of the game

2007-11-28T18:02:00.000-05:00

I'm going to throw down the gauntlet and say that Super Mario Galaxy is the best Mario game ever and therefore one of the best games of all time. Nintendo has proved beyond a doubt that they still can't be matched.

There is a joyous, fun vibe throughout the entire experience. The stirring music for selecting a star. The slight pause and subsequent burst of energy before Mario flies toward a new planet. The visual splendor that accompanies this journey. The addictive way I try to collect every Star Bit. None of this ever gets old.

Comparing this game to Super Mario Sunshine illuminates the many shortcomings of Mario's previous adventure. Collection isn't such a burdensome chore this time around. Don't get me wrong, you'll be doing plenty of collecting, but it's much more effortless this time around (at least until the purple coin challenges late in the game). The soundtrack soars above of anything from the Big N in the last ten years, including any recent Zelda title. Whereas Sunshine's cinematics featured bland sequences and painfully bad voice-acting, Galaxy boasts impressive action and mercifully opts for text dialogue.

Early in the game each level throws a new idea your way. It might be a new power-up, a new way of interacting with the world, or just a cleverly-designed puzzle. This continues well into the later stages. You can complete the main quest without much difficulty, but those that stick around and earn every star in the game will find some fun challenges. I dare anyone to play the Rolling Gizmo, Sweet Sweet, and Sling Pod Galaxies and say the game is too easy.

Is it perfect? No. The camera can be a nuisance at times. A few of the levels (out of 120) cross the line from fun and engaging to tedious and boring. Like all Mario games, the story is largely forgettable and a distraction at best. The squeaky way Mario exclaims "Super Mario Galaxyyyyy!!!" when you load it up on Wii makes my ears bleed. But none of these issues overwhelms the entire experience.

Some people will correctly point out that Super Mario Galaxy isn't revolutionary like Super Mario 64 and Super Mario Bros. I can't argue with that, but Galaxy builds on the strengths of those and other Mario games. Being the first to do something or even the first to do something well does not automatically result in a superior product. Others might claim that nothing could ever surpass those two games or Super Mario Bros. 3 or Super Mario World. No offense, but shut the hell up. Throwing down absolutes like that only shuts down discussion before it can begin. We might as well not even put it up for discussion.

Like the games in the previous paragraph, Galaxy remains engrossing throughout the entire adventure. Like those games, it squeezes a lot of mileage out relatively simple controls. Unlike Mario 3 and World, Galaxy has the finest visuals and audio of any game available on its system at the time of its release. Most importantly, Mario's latest adventure lasts much longer and gives you a lot more variety than his previous outings. Over 20 hours players will balance on globes, skate on ice, float through space via slingshots and tractor beam-like orbs, surf on the back of stingrays, ride giant flowers on the wind, navigate passages with shifting gravitational forces, float over dangerous waters in a bubble, and conquer the series' most impressive lineup of bosses yet. Ten years from now I expect Galaxy will have stood the test of the time very well.

Dried up.

2007-11-20T10:04:00.000-05:00

Argh! Cold, dry air is wreaking havoc on my skin. I looked in the mirror at work last week and discovered a patch of inexplicably dry, flaky skin on my face. Rash? Eczema? Zombie infection? I don't know, but the next day I scoured the shelves of the store for some relief, eventually picking up a humidifier. The humidifier works pretty well, except it can't go with me to the office. Actually, it probably could, but it hums pretty loud and I don't want to be one of those people. You know, the cubicle resident whose weird habits and loud phone calls (complete with graphic details of their last doctor visit) drive the others nuts.

And then my face broke out. In five days I went from the gorgeous man-child I've always been (see picture) to a dried-up, pimply facsimile (picture not available). So I went to the dermatologist, seeking respite from this epidermical epidemic. The doctor took samples, gazed through his microscope (side note: dude has a microscope at his office, that's kinda cool), and came back with a seven-point attack plan. Seriously, the guy was on top of his stuff. I have to change laundry detergent and moisturizer, stop taking some prescription pills, take some other, different prescription pills, smear on some prescription cream, bathe less (yeah I'm skipping that one), and shower with warm, not hot, water. He seems confident that it'll work, and given the results I saw with him before, I trust him.

I just wish he knew what to do about my cravings for human brains.

Newts have 20/20 hindsight

2007-11-05T22:28:00.000-05:00

I didn't do much too celebrate Halloween. I had dinner over a friend of a friend's house, but otherwise nothing of note. If it weren't for that, I would've probably done nothing.

Halloween was never a big holiday for me growing up. In fact, it was bquite the opposite. My home church objected to the occult theme revolving around the holiday and encouraged members not to participate. Instead they held a "Hallelujah Night", where kids were encouraged the dress as Bible characters. I'm not making this up. One year I won first place after I dressed up and told the entire history behind King David. As you can imagine, it was a sad time in my life. And the candy sucked too.

So I never got very wrapped up in the holiday. No horror movies, no dressing up, and not much fun at all. A friend was shocked to learn I've never carved a pumpkin, like that was a travesty. He later heard a black woman comment "Black people don't carve pumpkins". I strongly resent broad generalizations, especially when they apply to me*, but in this case I tend to agree.

I never dressed up either outside of the aforementioned biblical activities. The reasons there are quite different. For one thing, dressing up takes work if you want to do it well. You have to track down the clothes, materials, and any wigs necessary. Some amateur makeup and crafting might be necessary too. Too much work for not that big of a payoff.

There's also the social nature of Halloween activities. I tend to be a loner, and while I probably could latch myself onto a group, it's just extra work on top of costume building. Staying in with various kinds of liquor is much more attractive.

The biggest factor is the lack of interesting black characters to emulate in pop culture. In terms of being recognizable by the average slack-jawed mouth-breather, there are few choices out there. And I could adopt other characters with different racial ancestry, but I'd have to endure countless "But you're black" comments. Never mind that I might be able to emulate a character's personality or style. Or that, unlike many of the people that dress up as them, Jedis in the movies can see their feet without a mirror. I'd just rather not deal with the annoyance.

So if I were to dress up as any character, regardless of race, who would I go for? Hmmm, that requires a bit more thought than I like to devote to these entries, but here goes:

Jules Winfield: Oh, come on, you had to see this one coming. His name is the title of the blog, ferchrissakes. And who better epitomizes the definition of badass than Samuel Jackson, the actor who, with the direction of Quentin Tarantino, gave us the most hilarious assassination scene in the history of cinema? Combine the iconic role with the Chappelle show reference potential and its value becomes obvious.

Body Suit Man: Might as well get the obligatory Seinfeld reference out of the way. Body Suit Man would turn more than a few heads before folks realized that I wasn't that ballsy. Public decency standards fly right out the window on Halloween anyway. Similarly I could imitate these folks on Futurama, although I fear I've been outdone on that front.

Dante from Devil May Cry: The two-gun-wielding, large-sword-swinging, cheesy-dialogue-spouting Dante redefined kicking-ass for the post-Sephiroth video game scene ( he also exhausted my hyphen key). His distinct clothing and snow-white hair gives him a style all of his own. He eviscerates murderous puppets in seconds, survives a stab through the chest without batting an eye, and rains demonic lightning down on his enemies. What's not to love?

Chun-Li: Miss Thunder Thighs herself offers a great opportunity. Instantly recognizable, strong yet feminine, and a lot of fun. And if I'm gonna cross racial lines, why not bowl over gender boundaries while I'm at it? The World's Strongest Woman's stockings would also conceal my flawed extremities without taking away all the fun. You can file this one under "things I will never attempt".

*This is the only time I resent broad generalizations.

2007-10-21T10:59:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile since my last drawing. Sometimes I have trouble mustering up the motivation to get right down to business. My subject this is the most lovable of all losers, George Costanza. Seinfeld's "slow-witted bald man" is suprisingly nimble as you can see in the drawing.

Overall I'm satisfied with how it turned out, although I couldn't quite capture the whimsical look displayed in the original photo (seen below). I wish they'd chosen a less colorful shirt for the shoot as it's virtually impossible to make out where the more subtle shadows lie.

Raccoons, genitals, and Japanese folklore

2007-10-07T17:30:00.000-04:00

So last night I met up with the geek group I mentioned before. This night would be packed with video games, card games, and junk food, so it was my kind of event. First off, we watched a nice Japanese anime. The tale centered around a tribe of innocent raccoons facing troubled times as urban expansion destroys their land. Look at them, carefree, having fun partying, running on two legs with their animated balls bouncing between their legs.

Wait, what?

Yes, Pompoko's protagonists have very visible (and large) testicles. Apparently this is part of an old Japanese fairy tale. In the film raccoons have magical abilities that allow them to transform into statues, foxes, and even humans. The testicles inexplicably play a large role in transformations with the males. About the thirty minutes into the film an elder raccoon informs his fellow men of their crucial advantage and then reveals the large red blanket the others are sitting on is actually his naughty bits.

The sometimes-casual manner in which family jewels are displayed is unsettling. During an intense debate the militant raccoon Gonta insists on attacking humans to stop urban development, losing his temper and later apologizing. Not one person points out that his junk can be seen the whole time.

Perhaps the most disturbingly hilarious scene comes near the end as Gonta and his goons take on the humans. Here's a youtube clip of the entire affair.

In this scene we witness their nads becoming huge, dropping, flattening out, and being used as a parachute. Next we observe the horrible massacre of Japanese cops being crushed by gigantic flesh balloons. Those not killed by the initial assault undoubtedly suffocated under the intense stench of animal ball sweat. Unfortunately no one ever transforms their balls into steel. I guess that's something to look for in the sequel. Finally, an old raccoon elder, feeling he's had enough of this life, invites the tribe to stretch out his sack to enormous proportions and forms it into a ship. Many of the less talented raccoons sail away on the ship to some holy land, joyousing dancing and cheering along the way. The overwhelming smell of crotch did not seem to lessen their celebration.

In the end some of the raccoons decide to join the human world, walking amongst regular people while society at large is oblivious. However, they still get together occasionally and party hard as raccoons. Because sometimes you got to let it all hang out.

I wanna be sedated.

2007-09-20T23:38:00.000-04:00

...reflect for five minutes on the fact that all the great religions were first preached, and long practised, in a world without chloroform.

-C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

So I walked into the dentist's office two weeks ago. This was no ordinary visit. Nay, the time had come to remove my wisdom teeth, all four of them.

I had decided to have mine removed using only local anesthesia, meaning I'd be awake during the entire procedure. It can't be that bad, can it? After all, the staff didn't make it sound so bad. One girl remarked she had a hot dog the very same night. And I wasn't the wuss I used to be when it comes to pain. So this will be trivial and pointless, right? Right? Wrong. So very wrong.

I sit down in the chair and try to stay calm. I sign some forms saying that if I die during the operation I won't sue. No problem, corpses can't sue people. The assistant comes in and swabs the inside of cheeks. Usual procedure. Then it's time for the needles. The gums are numbed with that usual weird dull pain for inserting the needle. He gave a lot more shots than I'm used to. My bottom lip is completely numb now. Can't feel a thing.

But teeth are coming out of the top rows too. So here comes the needle. Whoa, why does it look like he's going for the roof of my mouth? That shot hurts like hell. I swear the needle hit bone. And my upper lip isn't nearly as numb as the bottom lip.

All right time for starting yanking these buggers out. Open wide and brace yourself. Dr. Jones tells me to raise my left hand if something hurts and goes for the bottom right tooth. There certainly are a lot of instruments being used to get this thing out. And then the pliers come out. Dude puts a lot of pressure on my mouth and rocks the pliers back and forth. Feels like he could break my nose if he slipped up. And is that a cracking sound coming from INSIDE MY MOUTH? I try to picture being somewhere else, I play music in my head, but no matter what that cracking noise is freaking me out. Before I know it,a little, bloody piece of me has been extracted from my body. That wasn't so bad. I almost want to say goodbye to it.

The upper right tooth decided this was entirely too easy on me. From the moment he touched it I experienced pain. Not enough to make a big deal, but more than all the others. So he starts doing his thing, and I'm really missing that anesthesia. A LOT. Suddenly I hate this man, this monster. I'm picturing him being dissected alive by demonic gremlins. I want to create an alternate universe where the upper right of my mouth doesn't exist. That one bad tooth ruined it for everyone. It's middle school all over again.

Finally, it's too much and I raise my hand. So they give me another shot in the roof of my mouth (whee!) and move on to others while it takes effect. I think they didn't hurt but who the hell knows. I'm too busy thinking all of this blood I've been tasting in my mouth and exhausted from the hell of the second tooth. The butcher, I mean dentist, finishes the other two and comes back to the satanic growth in the upper right of my mouth. At one point he remarks "Your bones are so dense!" This is consistent with how dense I feel for going through this awake. Eventually he rips that one out and then says "OK, we need to suture this". Fun.

So after enduring the pain of having my gums sewed back together, the dentist is finished. It's 9:30 and he's stuffing gauze pads in the corners of my mouth. I look in the mirror while I pay my bill. My mouth is swollen with the extra space the pads have taken up and there's blood on my lip. Oh wait, now I have to pick up a prescription! A mouth filled with blood, barely able to speak, and I have to navigate public spaces? Sounds like fun.

The clerk at the pharmacy says it'll be about thirty minutes. Unfortunately she's a lying bitch. Look, I can see fudging a little bit on time estimates, but I was waiting for ALMOST AN HOUR. Just say "we're incompetent and backed the fuck up and quit bullshitting me". Not wanting to speak for fear of spilling blood on the floor, I use grunts and hand signals to communicate. Thankfully, this works. Finally, my percocet is ready. I mumble something that resembles "Thank you" and quickly find my way home.

At the house I remove the blood-soaked pads, pop in some new ones and bite down to prevent bleeding. I take a percocet and watch some Futurama. Thank God I only have to do this once.

Summer movies.

2007-09-06T14:26:00.000-04:00

So the summer is pretty much over, so I guess it's time to reflect on the schlock Hollywood churned out to theater patrons. Overall, I think it was a pretty good summer for movies, even if there were a few disappointments.

Slightly disappointing: Spider-man 3. Good points: Harry-Peter relationship, the glider and hand-to-hand fights, good (but not flawless) special effects. Bad points: emo Spider-man, stupid bar dance sequence,Venom (He basically hates Spider-man for reasons that are his own fault), and other little issues.

Incredibly disappointing: Pirates of the Carribean 3. If there ever was a resolution to a trilogy that got EVERYTHING wrong, this is it. Not even The Matrix Revolutions (which I enjoyed, but was disappointed with) could match the festering mish-mash of this film. New characters were introduced and then killed off before we had a chance to get to know them. There were so many double-crosses and triple-crosses that it was impossible to understand why anything was happening. Even the writers must've picked up on this, basically explaining to the audience what had been going on and instead of letting us figure it out. Too confusing and messy to really be enjoyed.

I don't think they even tried: Shrek the Third. Maybe 3 actually funny moments, none of which I can recall.

Funniest movie: The Simpsons Movie. Groening and his crew pulled out a winner, despite my apprehensions. Non-stop jokes throughout the whole thing and in general a fun, exciting movie. Possibly my favorite movie of the summer.

Almost as funny: Superbad. You might think the high school sex comedy would be dead, but you'd be wrong. You might think the hilarious fat guy archetype would be dead, but you'd be wrong. You might think a montage of drawings of the male organ wouldn't be funny, but you'd be wrong. So very wrong.

Movie that tried hard to make me not like it and succeeded: Transformers. We all know the deal with Michael Bay. He's no Coppola, Scorsese, or Spielberg. I try to lower expectations accordingly. But come on. Some of leaps of logic are just too much. Why are we subjected to the Autobots stumbling in the backyard while Shia LeBouf tries to act like everything's cool with his parents? Why does the hero get on his high horse when he learns his girlfriend has a troubled past only to ditch the attitude ten minutes later?

The real kicker was Jazz. "Hey, what's crackin', little bitches? I'm Jazz and I'm black blickety black black. Rims hoes jewelry and laziness." Now I don't mind that they made Autobot "black", but geez, could you try a little harder not to stereotype next time? The only explanation for Jazz's poor English is that he learned how to talk from the Internet, which is strange because "web-speak" is mostly acronyms and abbreviations not diarrhea of the mouth.

Clearly I need to get caught up now: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. As one of the five people who's not swept up in Pottermania, Phoenix was my first exposure to the franchise. The imaginative world and fun characters pulled me in pretty quickly. Word has it this Potter film is darker than previous entries, which I definitely liked. So now I guess I need to see the previous four to get up to speed before the last two entries. Even the normally cheesy themes of love and friendship worked.

So I guess the summer was good about as often as it was bad. *shrug*

Another candle...

2007-08-16T21:16:00.000-04:00

Sunday was my birthday. Don't worry I'm sure your gifts are in the mail. I’m 27, meaning I can be described as “in his late twenties”. Sigh. Anyway, while squinting thoughtfully (see left) I thought about writing a long reflective post about my life up to this point. Instead I decided to throw together 27 random facts taken from different points over my entire life. Unfortunately, I couldn’t come up with a list of that long of interesting things about my life, either due to repression or not wanting to incriminate myself. Anyway what’s there is there. Enjoy!

1. I grew up out in the country. The sticks, the boonies. The house I lived in had eight rooms but as many as eleven people lived there at one time. Needless to say, it was a bit crowded. There was quite a bit of woods outside for playing. The woods had a little trail with a small hill at the end. You could go down the hill in half a second and traversing the trail took all of 30 seconds, but I rode it countless times.

2. Within walking distance from my home I could reach my great-grandparents, grandparents, two uncles, and the place my dad sometimes lived. It was a lot of fun to have so many relatives you could reach in a short time. I'd bother them for apples growing in their tree, peanut butter-jelly sandwiches, and whatever else I could get.

3. Around thirteen I discovered Seinfeld, which went on to become something of an obssession for me. I think it was Jerry and Elaine's anti-social attitudes and the show's focus on the "excruciating minutaie of every single daily event" that drew me in.

4. I won the spelling bee at my school in sixth and eighth grade. We do not speak of seventh grade.

5. When I was in 12, my grandparents started a shop I worked at where we bought and sold used video games. This was very odd, since they generally disapproved of my gaming obssession. This was excellent for me though. I got to talk about video games all day and I could play the used games for fun.

6. My dad and I played chess off and on when I was 13. One night I beat him.

7. My favorite teacher in high school was probably Ms. Strickland. She was the kind of straight-talker that made you think a teacher lived on the same planet to you. She taught art, which was my favorite subject, but had little, if anything, to do with why I liked her.

8. I originally went to NC A&T when I started college. The dorm I lived in had a loudspeaker for the RD to talk to everyone at once. It was so loud it’d completely drown out the TV. I transferred to NC State for my sophomore year.

9. After the first time I played the NES, pretty much every other toy in the world became nonexistent. I remember a passing interest in comic books, but when Christmas and birthdays rolled around video games ruled the day.

10. Among the physical activities I've attempted and suck at: basketball, baseball, football, tennis, bowling, pool, and volleyball. Still not attempted: gymnastics, fencing, curling, and racquetball.

11. I cannot swim. I even took a swimming class in college. Can. Not. Do. It. The key problem is that my toes don't point. My foot goes from a 90 degree angle with my leg to about 130 instead of the almost 180 everyone else's does. Consequently the only swimstroke I can do with any success is the breaststroke. It doesn't help that I sink like a rock. However, none of this
stopped me from going cliffdiving.

12. At a pretty early age I decided I didn't like sports. However, that dislike didn't progress to full hatred until I learned I was the ONLY person in my house whose entire life didn't revolve around them. On top of that, just about anyone's desire to watch a sporting event could trump my game time. Oh and sports could overtake *gasp* church too! I'm not bitter about that at all. Nope.

13. Consequently, any so-called male role model could alienate me pretty easily by uttering the words "I used to be just like you" and then using the word "sports" in the next sentence. The juxtaposition repulsed me. In fact, I never really felt much of any connection with any male role models as a child. Their attitudes toward life and the interests they had never really
fit with mine.

14. Some of my favorite times in early childhood were spent at my grandparents' house (dad's side of the family). We'd go all sorts of places together and eat out. Most importantly (and I can't emphasize this enough this time of year) their place had air conditioning.

15. When I was about 3 a mirror fell on me, cutting up my face. You can still see a scar on my upper lip. I have no memory of this event, which I’m told ocurred because I wouldn’t stay away from the mirror like I was told. My brother says there was blood all over my face.

16. I had my first drink when I was 19. It was at my friends’ birthday party. I believe there was Coors in the keg.

17. I didn’t get my license until I was about 20. Part of the reason was I didn’t want to pay for insurance and the other part was I wasn’t that good at driving.

18. I never went on a date in high school or college. Consequently people would sometimes ask me if I’m gay, my answer was always “No, I’m just pathetic”. No one ever found that as funny as I did.

19. In third grade I had to get glasses. I wore glasses until shortly after I turned 21, when I got contacts. The glasses my mother picked out had thick, brown rims. Incidentally, the next year Steve Urkel rose to popularity, so I was quite the hit with the ladies.

20. My first job was at Wal-Mart. Working at the job was probably the first time I became aware that I don’t smile much. As a cashier the management wants you to smile at customers, something so unnatural for me it was almost always forced.

21. At this point, I'd like to see as much of the world as possible. Get out of North Carolina and experience other parts of the country. After all I'm young (sorta), why not live it up a little while I can?

22. I loved cartoons as a kid and enjoy them to this day, so I'll leave you with this collection of Ralph Wiggum moments on the Simpsons, which, it must be noted, doesn't embody my view of the epitome of animation. However, it was relatively easy to find on YouTube:

Blockheads

2007-07-21T12:33:00.000-04:00

Planet Puzzle League, the successor to Tetris Attack/Panel de Pon, serves as a great example of the benefits of online gaming. The TA fanbase has never been very large. This is true for most puzzle games, except, of course, the original Tetris. Consequently I've had considerable difficulty finding a decent match in the ten years since the initial release. Sort of like finding a date. But all that would change earlier this year when Nintendo announced the American release date. Voice chat! Online rankings! Multiplayer madness! Only that's not quite the case.

For one thing, the game uses Nintendo's hated-from-the-day-it-was-conceived friend codes system. Unlike Xbox Live, where adding another player to your friends list is as simple as a few clicks, every Nintendo game requires you to somehow contact this person outside of the game and then exchange 12-digit codes which you both must enter to complete the addition. This severely stifles the opportunity to build an online community. Additionally, voice chat is only available in these rare, "friends list" matches. However, Xbox Live has shown us that many people use voice chat to shout racist and homophobic slurs, I can do without.

Another major sticking point is the two-player limit on online matches. Given the relatively simple parameters of the match, the dev team should've been more than capable of supporting a four- or even eight- player affair. But alas my dreams of standing atop a virtual hillside, looking down on a gaggle of utterly devastated foes goes unfulfilled.

What I find most disappointing is Nintendo's implementation of their online ranking system. For one thing, a 'ranked' match can only be played against people who share the same birthday (The Nintendo DS requests your birthday when you first power on the system). Yeah that's right. Inexplicably your field of prospective opponents is wittled down to 1/365 of the already-small population. (To clarify, you can play people with different birthdays, but those matches will be unranked.) On top of this baffling constraint, your online record is dropped at the end of every week, meaning there's no win record to proudly display to opponents.

This all means that the online portion is essentially a matchmaking service and not much else. No worldwide rankings to compare my win record with players from Japan and Europe. In fact, players have no clue about the skill level of their opponents before starting a match. I've decimated many a player 30 seconds into game. If we could see each other's win records this could have be avoided.

All of these issues goes back to the frustratingly conservative behavior of the Big N. The company that replaced blood with sweat in Mortal Kombat. The company that implemented an ultra-cute avatar creation system for the Wii. The company that altered mature themes to kid-friendly stuff for American gamers. What I'm saying to Nintendo is quit being lazy and grow a pair. Your fans certainly have them, so give them a little credit. Next time give us online stat tracking for wins and accomplishments. Make them permanent, so a win record actually means something. Allow voice chat anytime. And ferchrissakes, implement an online four-player mode.

I love Calvin and Hobbes.

2007-07-02T14:02:00.001-04:00

One comic sums up my entire feelings about work.

A +7 in social interaction

2007-06-26T21:31:00.000-04:00

In a weird coincidence, a few short days after I posted about my need for new activities in my free time, I received an e-mail inviting me to a Sci-fi/RPG/Geek group. Geeks have a reputation for being smelly eyesores who never get laid, so it sounded like a natural fit for me. It's as though the universe sensed the emptiness in my life and sought to rectify things.

An email arrived shortly with information about the first event - seeing Fantastic Four at the theater. Cool, the movie looks like it has some sweet action and great eye candy in the form of the smoking hot Chris Ev-errrm, Jessica Alba. Seeing the film with a group would be even better, as I have the apparently unpopular habit of seeing movies alone. Then I noticed the arranged meeting time was an hour ago.

The next event was scheduled soon thereafter: a casual Magic the Gathering card game. Whoa, that's a little much even for me. My nerdiness always involved technology, so of which would eventually be adopted by others. Many of the people who have mocked my video game habit have owned or do own a game console of their own. When you cross into card games, you're a stone's throw from tabletop RPGs, lengthy board games, and being smelly and living in your parents' basement.

But I was undeterred. After all, meeting some new people and learning a new game has to be better than re-playing Super Mario Bros. 2 for the billionth time. So I drove to the host's house with hopes of a good time. I was greeted by a nice, inviting group of people, all (gasp!) guys. We jumped into a practice game while a seasoned Magic veteran taught the rest of us the basics. About five turns into the game I noticed a growing issue. I didn't have any land. You see 'land' cards allow you summon monsters and cast spells. Everyone else had a great big friggin plantantion for waging war while I was stuck with a dinky plot the size of the median on I-40.

The practice game went well enough. At this point one player left early to go play World of Warcraft. Let's reflect on this a moment. He left a Magic card game to play an online RPG. This was about equivalent to leaving an armed robbery to go beat your wife. However, this gracious gentleman also brought cheesecake, so he is beyond greatness. Around this time a real, bonafide girl arrived, and a second, free-for-all game began. This game went much better for me. For one thing I had 'land' or 'mana' cards. But the roving tutor became quite ecstatic when he saw my legendary card. Several turns into the game I used that card to unleash hell, obliterating every other monster on the board, including my own.

This wasn't exactly the coup de grace I expected for though. While I eliminated everyone's monsters, all the other players were still in the game. Worse, everyone could still use any magic in their hands to turn their wrath on me. Fortunately, the other players were really slow. Several times I watched someone look over all the cards on the board, spend five minutes assessing what they could do with their hand, and then decide... to do nothing. So we had to quit before the game was over.

Overall it was a good experience that was surprisingly free of any body odor. Our next event will be the Transformers movie I expect to see an Autobots T-shirt at some point. I'm not sure how to upstage that. Perhaps a Decepticons cheesecake.

Grow some cajones.

2007-06-19T19:31:00.000-04:00

So I have a new entry for my long list of pet peeves, which include being asked too many questions, people who talk during a movie or TV show, and "surprise" prostate checks. Indecisiveness is the new culprit that gets my goat. You know what I mean. People who can't make up their mind or in some cases practically refuse to take an initiative on any matter drive me up a wall. Great quality for a guy by the way. Nothing screams "I can't get it up, let alone satisfy you" like some wishy-washy punk. Mostly I've encountered three scenarios:

Slack-ass Couch Potato

Me: I'm bored.
SCP: Me too.
Me: Let's do something.
SCP: OK, what do you want to do?
Me: Hmmm, let's see a movie.
SCP: Nah I don't feel like it.
Me: Alright, let's go to the park.
SCP: I don't feel like walking.
Me: OK, what do YOU want to do?
SCP: I don't know. Suggest something.

Well, um, gee jackass, I'm already two suggestions in, how about you put in a little effort? Clearly your lazy, fat ass can't be bothered to do something that might burn calories, but the least you could do is use a few of your dwindling brain cells think of something you'd be willing to do. Me? I suppose I could find ways to entertain myself, but God forbid you feel left out.

The Pussyfooting Patron

Me: So where do you want to eat?
TPP: I'm not sure.
Me: Well what are you in the mood for?
TPP: I don't know. What do you want?
Me: I'm in the mood for Italian/Mexican/burgers. How about [restaurant]?
TPP: Nah.
Me: Are you in the mood for [suggested cuisine]?
TPP: Yeah I guess...

You guess? Well sort through that cluttered dungpile of a brain and figure it out! It's dinner, not a used car sale, you mental defective. I'm trying not to starve here, not conduct a nationwide search for the dish that would be pleasing to you right now.

Invitation-Baiting Buffoon

(over instant messenger)
IBB: hey
Me: hey
IBB: i'm bored out of my mind
Me: lol i've been there
IBB: trying to figure out something to do...
Me: well i'm sure you'll figure something out

Now it might appear this is run-of-the-mill bitching. Not quite. The person on the other end expects me to eventually extend an invitation to come hang out as a brief distraction from his miserable existence. However, lacking the gumption to ask me straight out, he wants to lead me to invite him, saving himself the risk of being explicity rejected. This is the ultimate in empty-sac behavior people. The kind of person that would object to that huge fight France put up against Germany in World War II. Frequently I will blatantly ignore the hints and continue to suggest things to do, oblivious. The best part is concluding the chat without the invitation even being placed.

More things change, the more they stay the same.

2007-06-17T14:24:00.000-04:00

Flashback to 2003, I was working a shitty retail (is that redundant?) job and scraping by to make ends meet. My days off were spent playing video games and/or watching DVDs. It was pretty sad existence with actual human interaction nonexistent outside of work, which brought a level of discourse even with that of very intelligent slugs. Over the next few years, I go to graduate school, find better jobs, blah blah blah. So today after a trip to the gym, where the sum total of my conversation was saying good-bye to the clerk (sooo cute btw) as I left, I went home, watched Seinfeld Season 8 on DVD, and finally finished Final Fantasy Tactics after owning the game for over two years. If someone ever wants to fill me in on what actually happened in that game, please do. Then it occurred to me -- I haven't played Super Mario Bros. 2 in years. Shortly after that I realized I'd fallen into the same pattern as several years ago. But before that let's go back to the subject of Super Mario Bros. 2.

I decided to play the Super Mario All-Stars iteration of Mario 2. The standard procedure for remakes (which, one can argue, was set by All-Stars) is to redo virtually all the bells and whistles while keeping the core game intact, sometimes with the addition of new content. 'Enhancing' the music makes logical sense for the All-Stars. After all, the archaic NES hardware that produced the sounds for Mario 1, 2, and 3 can't match the much more sophisticated and versatile SNES' sound chip. Those archaic, crude sounds have their own value though. The samples in Mario 2 makes the crucial error of replacing brass sounds with more orchestral ones. The 'feel' of the game is thrown off a bit. The underground theme suffers quite a bit, losing the harsh tone in favor of something more organic. That isn't to say the entire soundtrack is a wash. Wart's theme is a pleasant improvement and I was surprised to discover how hard on the ears the original tune was.

So yeah getting back to the stagnancy of my social life, I need some new task or hobby. The drawings were a nice diversion. In fact I might do another one today. Maybe teaching myself to play the piano could be fun. A creative outlet would be nice right now. Then again it occurs to me that I have never played the original Half-Life or its sequel. This should be rectified while there's still time. Here are some other ideas I'm tossing around:

1. Take up alcoholism. As far as I'm concerned the liver is like a muscle. All these wusses' livers give out because they never gave them a proper workout. If you never spent your youth funneling tequila it's no wonder your body can't take it when you have a Fuzzy Navel binge years down the line. Wimps.
2. Play Super Mario Bros. 3. *sigh* I can't escape can I?
3. Join/start an erotic book club. Highly underappreciated genre of literature. There needs to be much more intellectual discourse on effectively conveying phallic objects penetrating orifices. After all, if we don't hold the authors to any standards, they'll throw 2 men, 3 women, and orangutang into a room and call that eroticism. Or maybe that is eroticism.
4. Join/start an erotic art club. You know, in the interest of symmetry or something.
5. Start designing clothing. I don't watch Project Runway, but commercials for the show has led me to believe I could stand to be a lot more gayer. Besides how else will I put together my Galadriel costume for Halloween?
6. Give back to society. *snicker* yeah right.

So now, gentle readers (all two of you), I turn to you for suggestions. How should I use my free time? Managing a stock portfolio? Erotic sculptures? Meth lab? Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

The movie game

2007-06-04T23:26:00.000-04:00

This Facebook meme peaked my interest, so I gave it a shot. It's lacking pre-1990 classics, but fun to reminisce nonetheless.

(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
(x) Boondock Saints
(x) Fight Club
() Starsky and Hutch
() Neverending Story
() Blazing Saddles
() Airplane

Total so far:6

() The Princess Bride
(x) AnchorMan
(x) Napoleon Dynamite
() Labyrinth
() Saw
() Saw II
( ) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
( ) Anger Management
() 50 First Dates
() The Princess Diaries
( ) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement

Total so far: 8

(x) Scream
(x) Scream 2
(x) Scream 3
(x) Scary Movie
( ) Scary Movie 2
( x) Scary Movie 3
( ) Scary Movie 4
(x) American Pie
(x) American Pie 2
(x) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp

Total so far: 15

() Harry Potter 1
() Harry Potter 2
() Harry Potter 3
() Harry Potter 4
(x) Resident Evil
(x ) Resident Evil: Apocalypse
(x) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
(x) The Village
() Lilo & Stitch

Total so far: 19

(x) Finding Nemo
() Finding Neverland
() Signs
() The Grinch
() Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
( ) White Chicks
() Butterfly Effect
() 13 Going on 30
(x) I, Robot
() Robots

Total so far: 21

(x) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
() Universal Soldier
() Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
() Along Came Polly
(x) Deep Impact
() KingPin
(x) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
() Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
() Joe Dirt - I turned this off one hour into it out of boredom.
() KING KONG - only the original

Total so far: 25

( ) A Cinderella Story
() The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
() Dumber & Dumberer
(x) Final Destination
() Final Destination 2
() Final Destination 3
() Halloween
(x) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-MAS
() Flubber

Total so far: 27

(x) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
( ) Practical Magic
(x ) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
() From Hell
() Hellboy
() Secret Window
() I Am Sam
(x) The Whole Nine Yards
() The Whole Ten Yards

Total so far: 29

() The Day After Tomorrow
() Child's Play
() Seed of Chucky
(x) Bride of Chucky
() Ten Things I Hate About You
() Just Married
() Gothika
() Nightmare on Elm Street
() Sixteen Candles
() Remember the Titans
() Coach Carter
( ) The Grudge
( ) The Grudge 2
(x) The Mask
() Son Of The Mask

Total so far: 31

(x) Bad Boys
() Bad Boys 2
() Joy Ride
() Lucky Number Slevin
(x) Ocean's Eleven
() Ocean's Twelve
(x) Bourne Identity
(x) Bourne Supremecy
( ) Lone Star
(x) Bedazzled
(x) Predator I
() Predator II
( ) The Fog
() Ice Age
() Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
( ) Curious George

Total so far: 37

(x) Independence Day
(x) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
() Christine
() ET
() Children of the Corn
() My Bosses Daughter
() Maid in Manhattan
(x) War of the Worlds
(x) Rush Hour
(x) Rush Hour 2

Total so far: 42

( ) Best Bet
() How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
() She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
() Sideways
() Mars Attacks
() Event Horizon
() Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
() Big Trouble in Little China
(x) The Terminator
(x) The Terminator 2
( x) The Terminator 3

Total so far: 47

(x) X-Men
(x) X-2
(x) X-3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
() Sky High
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
() Freaky Friday
() Reign of Fire
() The Skulls
(x) Cruel Intentions
() Cruel Intentions 2
( ) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2

Total so far: 57

( ) Swimfan
() Miracle on 34th street - only the original
() Old School
() The Notebook
() K-Pax
( ) Krippendorf's Tribe
() A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
( ) Boogeyman
(x) The 40-year-old Virgin

Total so far: 58

(x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Total so far: 64

(x) Baseketball
( ) Hostel
( ) Waiting for Guffman
() House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
() Elf
() Highlander
() Mothman Prophecies
() American History X
( ) Three

Total so Far: 65

( ) The Jacket
() Kung Fu Hustle
() Shaolin Soccer
() Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(x) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(x) Shaun Of the Dead
( ) Willard

Total so far: 69

( ) High Tension
( ) Club Dread
() Hulk
(x) Dawn Of the Dead
(x) Hook
() Chronicles Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
() 28 days later
() Orgazmo
() Phantasm
() Waterworld

Total so far: 71

(x) Kill Bill vol 1
(x) Kill Bill vol 2
(x) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
() Kingdom of Heaven
() the Hills Have Eyes
( ) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
( ) The Last House on the Left
( ) Re-Animator
() Army of Darkness

Total so far: 74

(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
( ) Ewoks The Battle For Endor

Total so far: 82

(x) The Matrix
(x) The Matrix Reloaded
(x) The Matrix Revolutions
(x) Animatrix
() Evil Dead
() Evil Dead 2
(x) Team America: World Police
() Red Dragon
(x) Silence of the Lambs
() Hannibal

Total movies: 88

My Narcissism knows no bounds

2007-05-28T18:30:00.001-04:00

Continuing my yearnings for artistic expression, and my never-ending, perverted self-love, I decided to do another self-portrait. This attempt brought two revelations to light. First of all, I have some huge frigging lips. When you look at yourself in the mirror every day, you forget things like that. Secondly, my second chin is still there. I'd like my jawline back someday. Here's the original pic:

And here's the drawing:

I go back in forth on my feelings. I certainly see many areas that need improvement. The shape of the head remains an issue. The lips look flat, like they don't wrap around my head. I didn't really capture the shape of my nose either. I did make some refinements (my forehead looked quite a bit more neanderthal originally), but eventually I have to let it go.

Next time I'll choose another subject to mutilate. Maybe one that will smile for the camera.

Oh sweet vanity

2007-05-25T00:00:00.000-04:00

Little known fact: At one point, I desired to be an artist. My preferred field varied quite often. Cartoons, comic strips, comic books, ya know high-brow intellectual stuff. I dreamed of creating beautiful, moving hand-drawn animated films. However, as I got older I became more aware of shortcomings, especially in comparison to certain people's exceeding talent. And so my artistic aspirations gave way to "reality" and I abandoned my dream to pursue computer science, a very different, but lucrative field.

Over the years, I made small attempts to maintain the skill I developed in high school. At one point I even drew a comic strip for the NC State newspaper. But eventually drawing became a distant memory. Now that I'm done with academics and I don't start a new job until next week*, I picked up my pencil again.

After all these years, I needed something to motivate my hand. Something real, inspiring, that speaks to my heart, and is relevant to the world today. Naturally, I drew myself. Here's my drawing.

Pictured below is the original photo I worked from.

Not too shabby. It's amazing how many concepts came back to me as I drew. Concepts like shading, artistic license, contours, line quality, and lining up features. I actually think the top is too small. My ginormous melon extends a little bit higher than that.

*Yep, you read right. The search is over!

Be Sure to Equip Accessories

2007-05-21T20:09:00.000-04:00

I recently watched the video for "

(inspiration music and vocals not included)

If all else fails, light all the torches in the room. If it can be shot, shoot it. If can be thrown, throw it. If it can't be shot or thrown, move on. Shiny objects are important. If he's still moving, the zombie ain't dead. Talk to everyone in the town. Punt or go for the field goal on the fourth down. I don't even like sports games and I know this. Buy status-healing items as soon as they become available.

Block.

Throwing is not cheap. Use your smart bombs. You'll probably die before you reach what you're saving them for. Listen to the music. It'll help you get the timing down. Water beats fire. Lightning beats water. Fire beats ice. Use your missiles liberally. If potions are expensive or scarce, use magic to heal. Else use the potions. Your brawlers should only heal others in emergencies. Go for the tetris, but don't let the stack get too high. The enemies that run away as soon as the fight starts have the most ability points and experience.

The vulnerable part is flashing.

Those three switches must be hit in a specific order. There are only six possible solutions. A rocket launcher is virtually useless in close combat. Tread carefully. Butt-stomp the post into the ground. It's Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A. Go for the hammer. Use the portals on the sides. If it can be parried, try parrying it. If the wall looks different, bomb it.

Learn to powerslide.

Don't waste time trying to pull off some fancy combo. Just do what you need to win the match. Handling is just as important as speed. That weird chime means something special happened. Headshots save ammo. Jump when the spring is fully compressed. The most useless weapon hurts the final boss. You will get hurt if you touch a bad guy. Don't neglect support magic. Your party becomes killing machines with the appropriate spells. Remember that you can also duck. All armor is useless until it's equipped. That girl selling flowers is going to die. The goblin just wants some food.

Whatever you do, pay attention to your accessories. Trust me on this one.

GI Joe

2007-05-20T16:41:00.000-04:00

Week One of being free from the shackles of academia went well enough. I doubt know how comfortable I am with the phrase "shackles of academia". After all, academia was (and is) my ticket away from retail hell or other similarly crappy jobs, so to refer to my second set of college years as a period of incarceration seems inappropriate. But I digress.

The job search continues. I'm not nearly as prepared for my interviews as I thought. I got stumped left and right in this last interview. Part of that is the asinine nature of technical interviews. Interviewers lob random technical question at you that really don't challenge your abilities. Even so, refreshing myself on the intricacies of Java seems to be necessary.

I'd like to know what hell is going on with my digestive system. Ever since a nasty bit of indigestion almost two weeks ago, all kinds of weird sounds have been coming from my stomach. Sometimes I haven't even eaten much and it still sounds like a cauldron. Maybe it just needs some eye of newt. Even now I can hear it rumbling from the apple I just ate. During a stand-up segment on Seinfeld, which I think we can all agree is the greatest thing in the history of the world*, Jerry asserted that if your body were a car, you'd never buy it. It's true that the body has to be clean, fed, shaved, and medicated quite often. Still, it's quite amazing to consider all the involuntary actions that occur without any input on our part. But when things go wrong, as they inevitably do, we're left at the mercy of doctors and the body's own ability to heal.

*Those who disgree shall be burned alive.

Graduation

2007-05-14T00:05:00.000-04:00

Yesterday two-and-a-half years of graduate school came to a close. It's so very nice to not agonize over homework, tests, or projects. So now I can agonize over job-searching, bills, and eventually deadlines.

Yay.

The proceedings went fairly well. A good number of my family members managed to make it despite the short notice. I skipped out on the larger morning ceremony in favor of the smaller departmental one later in the day. The prestige of a large university does not necessarily afford it dynamic and interesting speakers. The student speaker during my undergraduate ceremony back in '02 was particularly tiring. Her rattling off of cliched accounts of memories of NC State and cliched hopes for the future bored me to tears. Fortunately the one speaker at the Computer Science ceremony yesterday fared quite a bit better. It helps that her experiences and perspective isn't too far from those of the students. So overall things went well and without incident.

A few people commented to me that I should be more excited. I tend to discuss my graduation and future plans in the same manner an accountant might discuss the latest financial statements. In truth, I'm very happy to be done with school. Those last few weeks were crucial to my making the grade. The round-the-clock typing, coding, and studying left my head spinning. But like a lot of students, I never wanted to go to graduate school in the first place. It was an escape. A lack of experience and a poor economy left me high and dry in my job search back in '02. Grad school saved me from the retail hell I was wasting away in to make ends meet. It also gave me an easy way to gain experience through coops and internships.

It worked. Within two months of returning to school, I scored a well-paying internship that lasted ten months. In '06 I worked an additional eight months with another great company. So with this bit of experience, from which I also made a number of connections and forged a few friendships, and my advanced degree, I should have a good edge in finding a decent job now. But as far as excitement, eh. I'm just not finding it. I don't know where it is or where it should be. It would be nice in some of these job interviews. "You would be testing our search function, does this sound like something you'd be interested in?" "Umm, sure." I mean, how can you be passionate about something like that? You might as well ask me to discuss explicit and implicit differences between various Baroque sculptors and painters.

So you can say that I lack a certain level of enthusiasm for work. If this all sounds a little whiny to you, all I can say is you must be new here. Or slow. But all complaining aside, the future is exciting. It's just so uncertain.

Hopefully Kilborn won't sue...

2007-04-25T19:25:00.000-04:00

I viewed an interesting post on Center of Gravitas in which GayProf answered five questions given to him by a reader. I asked GayProf to give me five questions to answer on my blog and he was kind enough to oblige. So without further ado, here's my responses:

1. You have mentioned being a hard-core gamer. Which game do you think was underrated when it came out?

A good question and one for which I have many responses. Underrated games, like movies, develop a cult following. Unfortunately these games also become rare fairly quickly, resulting in jacked up prices on eBay. Over the years I've played some of the rarer of these games.

Rez (PS2, Dreamcast, 2001) - Rez is an absolute work of art, evidence of how audio and visuals can converge and elevate games to a whole new level. The trippy psychedelic presentation is so out there you have to wonder what kind of drugs the developers were on. The game is an on-rails shooter where you lock-on to enemies to take them down. The environments pulsate with the music and everything you do creates sounds that fit in with the tunes. Even the controller shakes to the beat. When I say that you have to play the game to really experience, I really mean it. The game went largely unnoticed by the general public, but interestingly it can be found for a reasonable $30 on eBay.

Tetris Attack (SNES, 1996) - Tetris Attack did well enough upon its initial release. However, the fact that the game isn't worshipped for its fast-paced genius is a crime. Having practically nothing to do with actual Tetris, Tetris Attack requires you match colored blocks in groups of three to advance. The challenge comes in when you match together chains by lining matching colors for falling blocks. The single player mode is addictive enough on its own. However, the real fun comes in when you launch the 2 player VS. mode. As you can see in the video above, the matches are intense and blocks are hurled almost as much as profanities. An online-enabled version will be available in June. I can't wait.

Donkey Kong Jungle Beat (Gamecube, 2005) – Video footage of DK Jungle Beat might lead you to believe it’s a simple, run-of-the-mill platformer. Ordinarily it would be, except you play the game with bongo drums. Hitting the drums controls movement, jumping, and attacking enemies. This elevates the fun to whole new level, particularly when one is intoxicated. Unfortunately despite having the Donkey Kong name attached, the game sold very poorly.

I might as well take this time to bring certain games down a peg as well. So here are my picks for overrated video games:

Grand Theft Auto III (PS2, Xbox, 2001) – GTA’s violent, bloody side doesn’t bother me. I enjoyed Devil May Cry, Metal Gear Solid, and Resident Evil 4 all games featuring sometimes-gratuitous violence. However GTA’s clunky control scheme makes the on-foot action a bore. The sketchy lock-on mechanism and simplistic hand-to-hand combat just aren’t satisfying. Driving realistic cars in a video game never really interested me either. Add on top of that only marginally interesting characters and weak graphics overall (although this understandable given the huge scope of the in-game world), and there’s not much to draw me into this game. Reviews of the sequels don’t mention much improvement to these issues, so I’ve largely skipped out on those.

ICO (PS2, 2001) – Normally you’d see this on the underrated list. ICO is praised as a unique, beautiful game. The player controls a boy who guides a helpless (really, really helpless) girl out of a castle by solving intricate puzzles. It bore the crap out of me. Many players say they developed a strong bond with girl, who must be tugged by the arm everywhere. I never gave a fuck about her. The puzzles were nice enough, but the combat was a bore. Not fun, not interesting, not worth my time.

2. What has been the worst dinner/party/gather that you either hosted or attended? Why so?

This would be the part where I share a funny story about how an otherwise-great party went horribly, horribly wrong. I don’t have any such story. To be honest, if you were to ask me about a great party I went to, the response would be the same. Parties usually are “eh” to me. Maybe it’s because I rarely go with a group to, well, anything. I’ve been told gatherings are a lot more fun that way. Anyway, I’ll share a list of not-that-good-in-the-first-place gatherings that went poorly.

1. When some dumb girl decided to fight my female friend at a party for no reason. Being drunk and not wanting to look like a "punk", my friend didn't back down. She ended up with a black eye and numerous bruises.
2. Every wedding I ever went to. Being from a conservative rural area, consuming any amount of alcohol is considered bad. That makes weddings that much more intolerable. Thankfully people rarely get married where I grew up. They just start having kids.
3. Once in 8th grade they had an honor roll event after school, and they served unsweetened Kool-Aid. WTF?
4. Back when I went to NC A&T a dance was advertised that offered free admission and free food. The flyer listed the organizers as “TCF” which it turns out stood for “The Christian Fellowship”. Needless to say the dance floor wasn’t packed.

3. What is a television show that you wished you could have been the lead actor? Why so? How would you have changed the role?

I was going to go with the obvious choice, Jerry Seinfeld, but I think I’ll change my answer to Malcolm Reynolds, played by Nathan Fillion.

Mal was tough, honest, and a bit of an asshole. I would’ve changed the role by having him get it on with Inara from the beginning. Or maybe Wash.

4. One of your recent posts discussed (to humerous effect) some rules/truths about internet dating. What, though, are you own goals for dating? How do you imagine your ideal situation in dating? LTR? Multiple partners? Monogamous? Do you want somebody like you or opposite of you?

Thanks, glad to hear my post was appreciated. I want someone who’s honest, caring, and fun. Someone whose company I can enjoy without either of us saying a thing. They don't have to have the perfect body, but I do want someone attractive and within 30 lbs of their ideal weight. It’ll be a monogamous, long-term relationship. I expect meeting someone like me would only amplify the depths of self-loathing, so opposites would be the preferred arrangement. But people are frequently surprised by the type of people they fall in love with, so I’d keep my options open as long as the person ascribes to the standard virtues of love, honesty, and trust that most value.

5. Why do you worship and/or adore GayProf?

GayProf seems like his alcohol which, despite my upbringing, is something I can definitely get on board with.