Another Meditation on Dating
I stumbled upon an interesting column discussing why smart people have trouble finding love. It must be noted the author pimps his book pretty hard. I'm pretty sure he was being tongue-in-cheek in the 'shameless self-promotion' sort of way comedians sometimes are, but I'd still recommend not buying the book just to spite him. He also assumes his audience consists entirely of heterosexuals, although his points are pretty universal.
The basic thesis of the write-up is that smart, educated people spent much of their teenage years concentrating on their accomplishments instead of trying to get laid and consequently didn't develop a lot of the wooing skills that come naturally to academically-slow crowd. If the lonely intelligentsia just learned to loosen up and have fun, their love lives would be as active as the rest of the planet's.
OK, so the revelation isn't particularly shocking -- people have been telling me to lighten up all my life -- but it did raise some questions. Did I give up a lot of important experiences by not dating in high school? Have I placed too much emphasis on academic accomplishments? Am I being presumptuous to think I place in the 5% most intelligent people on the planet? [Answer: Definitely not]
It's true that I can overanalyze things to the nth degree. It can be tiresome. A philosophy professor once commented that Socrates sounds like he was a pain to be around. "My dear Socrates, yes, the pursuit of material wealth is a fool's errand, but STFU already you tool." It's also true a single glaring typo can turn me off an otherwise-decent online profile. And socially awkward? Got that covered.
But "loosening up" is easier said than done. Someone who's uptight in social situations has built up a lot of habits and tics that are so ingrained they may not even be aware of them. And if you're inclined to have deep political, philosophical discussions it might be a little difficult to feign interest in, say, the latest American Idol results show.
The basic thesis of the write-up is that smart, educated people spent much of their teenage years concentrating on their accomplishments instead of trying to get laid and consequently didn't develop a lot of the wooing skills that come naturally to academically-slow crowd. If the lonely intelligentsia just learned to loosen up and have fun, their love lives would be as active as the rest of the planet's.
OK, so the revelation isn't particularly shocking -- people have been telling me to lighten up all my life -- but it did raise some questions. Did I give up a lot of important experiences by not dating in high school? Have I placed too much emphasis on academic accomplishments? Am I being presumptuous to think I place in the 5% most intelligent people on the planet? [Answer: Definitely not]
It's true that I can overanalyze things to the nth degree. It can be tiresome. A philosophy professor once commented that Socrates sounds like he was a pain to be around. "My dear Socrates, yes, the pursuit of material wealth is a fool's errand, but STFU already you tool." It's also true a single glaring typo can turn me off an otherwise-decent online profile. And socially awkward? Got that covered.
But "loosening up" is easier said than done. Someone who's uptight in social situations has built up a lot of habits and tics that are so ingrained they may not even be aware of them. And if you're inclined to have deep political, philosophical discussions it might be a little difficult to feign interest in, say, the latest American Idol results show.
Ultimately, there's no real answer here. Working on social awkwardness would always be good, but otherwise it's just a matter of compatibility. *shrug*
Labels: dating
posted by Antonio at 8:23 PM
5 Comments:
Just an additional comment to the the part that says, "educated people spent much of their teenage years concentrating on their accomplishments instead of trying to get laid and consequently didn't develop a lot of the wooing skills".
I would say this goes double for gay people. We tend to spend all of our teenage years in the closet, consciously or not, throwing ourselves into something that will either avoid revealing to anyone else that we feel different, or attempting to suppress those feelings so that we don't have to deal with them, or both. Even in cases where kids do come out at a relatively young age, they are usually going to be the only openly gay ones in their social circles and have no one with whom to develop "the wooing skills".
I've never done an academic study on the subject but I suspect that this is one (of many) factors as to why gay men have a lower rate of being in a committed relationship than other groups and that the relationships they do have tend to be shorter.
I definitely agree with that Sean. Sadly it seems like many guys never break out of the adolescent state of mind and mature into more meaningful relationships.
Hello, just visiting.
I disagree with the premise of the book. I know many smart, educated people that developed social skills to attract other smart, educated people.
American Idol, America's Next Top Model or any other popular reality show, we all have to suffer at some point.
There's no real answer.
Actually, I can personally say that you're an arrogant, hypocritical dick with an inflated estimation of himself.
Oh, anonymous internet user, you're breaking my heart.
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