The cynic's guide to online dating
1. Anyone who posts just their face has a horrible body.
2. People without pictures on their profiles are large enough to occupy their own zipcode.
3. Someone who posts a picture that looks "ok" that's 3-4 years old looks like an ogre now. Good-looking people continually update their profiles with pictures of them that are not-ugly.
4. If they claim to be "very good-looking" but don't have a picture posted, they must be ugly, married, or both.
5. Approximately 2% of people with "cute", "hot", or "sexy" in their s/n actually look like they claim. NOTE: There's a 2% margin of error on this statistic.
6. No personal description in a profile = boring person.
7. In the case of any omitted data, always assume the worst. So a person who doesn't list their height, weight, ethnicity, and disease status and lacks a picture, is a four-foot-ten-inch tall, 380-pound Smurf that has contracted every known STD (including the ones you can only get from animals), and has numerous scars all over his/her body.
8. If a person is good-looking and sounds cool, they will never be interested in you. Cool people need lame significant others so they look better by comparison.
9. An engaging online conversation means absolutely nothing. Anyone can be clever when they have five minutes to think of what to say.
10. If you read a profile and think "Wow, this sounds exactly like me", keep looking. A person who's just as inadequate as you are will remind yourself how much you suck.
11. Someone who takes a picture of themselves in the mirror has no friends and is too dumb to set the timer on their digital camera.
12. Don't scoff at cell-phone pictures. Many a poc mark has been obscured by a low-res picture.
13. Always chat with people who are looking for true love online. Naiveness can be charming.
14. Never talk to people who want to meet you before learning anything about you. They have pieces of human flesh in their freezer.
15. Anyone with more than a hundred buddies on an online dating site never leaves the house.
16. Don't be above accepting a compliment online. Hideous people can have surprisingly discriminating taste.
17. Poor grammar and spelling is an instant deal breaker. On the plus side, this person might not mind if you hook up with them and can't remember their name.
18. Spare the rest of the world your melodramatic BS. You're not a unique, beautiful snowflake, a tulip in a field of weeds or a lovely bird about to spring its wings and fly. You're a garden-variety schmuck like the rest of us looking for a way to get off with someone as pathetic as you are.
19. Beware the beer goggles effect. The fact that you're drinking alone in your underwear at the computer means you'll get much more intoxicated in a shorter amount of time.
20. If they look attractive and are interested in you, that's not their picture in the profile.
2. People without pictures on their profiles are large enough to occupy their own zipcode.
3. Someone who posts a picture that looks "ok" that's 3-4 years old looks like an ogre now. Good-looking people continually update their profiles with pictures of them that are not-ugly.
4. If they claim to be "very good-looking" but don't have a picture posted, they must be ugly, married, or both.
5. Approximately 2% of people with "cute", "hot", or "sexy" in their s/n actually look like they claim. NOTE: There's a 2% margin of error on this statistic.
6. No personal description in a profile = boring person.
7. In the case of any omitted data, always assume the worst. So a person who doesn't list their height, weight, ethnicity, and disease status and lacks a picture, is a four-foot-ten-inch tall, 380-pound Smurf that has contracted every known STD (including the ones you can only get from animals), and has numerous scars all over his/her body.
8. If a person is good-looking and sounds cool, they will never be interested in you. Cool people need lame significant others so they look better by comparison.
9. An engaging online conversation means absolutely nothing. Anyone can be clever when they have five minutes to think of what to say.
10. If you read a profile and think "Wow, this sounds exactly like me", keep looking. A person who's just as inadequate as you are will remind yourself how much you suck.
11. Someone who takes a picture of themselves in the mirror has no friends and is too dumb to set the timer on their digital camera.
12. Don't scoff at cell-phone pictures. Many a poc mark has been obscured by a low-res picture.
13. Always chat with people who are looking for true love online. Naiveness can be charming.
14. Never talk to people who want to meet you before learning anything about you. They have pieces of human flesh in their freezer.
15. Anyone with more than a hundred buddies on an online dating site never leaves the house.
16. Don't be above accepting a compliment online. Hideous people can have surprisingly discriminating taste.
17. Poor grammar and spelling is an instant deal breaker. On the plus side, this person might not mind if you hook up with them and can't remember their name.
18. Spare the rest of the world your melodramatic BS. You're not a unique, beautiful snowflake, a tulip in a field of weeds or a lovely bird about to spring its wings and fly. You're a garden-variety schmuck like the rest of us looking for a way to get off with someone as pathetic as you are.
19. Beware the beer goggles effect. The fact that you're drinking alone in your underwear at the computer means you'll get much more intoxicated in a shorter amount of time.
20. If they look attractive and are interested in you, that's not their picture in the profile.
posted by Antonio at 3:20 PM
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